Adult children moving abroad

[Someday111]

Is it right for adult children to move abroad on their 40’s, when they have school age children, and very little money to support their family. Especially after you have provided financial assistance, as well as free child care for their children.

Whereas, my parents (grandparents to my children) moved abroad just after I became a single parent to three under 5’s and with an adulterous husband!

Adults make their own decisions.

That’s awful I’m sorry they didn’t support you better

I think that you need to make it clear that having to pay for everything when you visit them isn’t reasonable, I’ve never heard of guests having to pay for all their own food when they visit!

They need to be better hosts and as someone upthread suggested, perhaps your grandchildren could come and stay with you sometimes during the holidays so you don’t have to travel.

I get your perspective @Someday111 Most people would very much like help when they have very young kids or they are very old. It is possible to survive without it of course, just not as comfortable. Obviously if people are lot in good health it is understandable they can’t help. You paid them in kindness when you were in good health and they are gone when you might need that help back. You were part of a village but where will your village be when you need it? I get it.

We never ever expected childcare but we got no interest from grandparents in our kids from either side. It would have been lovely to feel valued and important. The time hasn’t come yet, but I wonder will they expect help when they need it?

The golden child on my husbands side (who got Childcare…every Christmas … school plays attended, holiday money for kids etc) has been telling us that when her mother gets ill her care is divided 3 ways 😂 😂 😂

I’m expecting 1)the people who know dear grandmother to care for her when she needs it, my husband knows her but the rest of us don’t know her 2) the people who got to bring her on holiday and have dinner as a couple… sleep in the next morning to still bring her on holiday when she needs airport assistance.

I’m personally expecting to not do either of the points above and would go 2,000 kms away and not personally think of her. Although she was a good mother to my husband so obviously he is invested in her, that is fine. They talk on the phone and he visits etc. he could do everything he does now from 2000km away. She is getting back what she invested in the relationship. You gave more than you are going to get back and you will miss them because you are attached to them, to me that is all easy to understand

Yes it is, as I said it's perfectly reasonable to be sad.

It's not reasonable to expect to have any control or say over it, though.

OP doesn't get to demand or expect that they stay just because she provided childcare. Especially as she apparently did it 'without expecting anything in return'.

We do all of that because they have little money.

Of course you had a choice. You have absolutely no right to dictate where or how they live their lives.

As alot of parents would do. I’d be worried too about them moving miles away ( is it in the same country or one with a different language?) as they don’t seem very sensible to be moving away from support if they don’t have a good job and financial security.

I dont think it’s dictating to feel sad.

OP doesn’t say she’s dictating or démanding. She asks if she is BU to be sad or angry. I don’t think she is unreasonable to be sad and I think Îd be a bit angry if my kids uprooted the DGC to live in a tiny appartement in a big city on worse salaries with I suppose little support. But yep it’s their life to live.

Where do you get dictating from ?

But that’s not what she says — she says ‘Is it right for adult children to move abroad […] Especially after you have provided financial assistance and free childcare’?, as if that gives her some say in their movements, more than a parent who didn’t provide money or childcare.

She’s not demanding anything. If you read later posts op says aibu to be sad and angry tbf. She’s getting a hard time here for the way the first post was worded. It’s not unreasonable of her ( or him) to feel sad and even angry

Her first impulse was to think she got a say in her adult child’s movements because she’d provided childcare and cash. She rephrased because people told her she was unreasonable.

No, in the OP she asked "Is it right ... especially after you have provided financial assistance/ childcare etc".

It is sad, and of course she can feel sad, but doesn't get to have any involvement in deciding what's "right" for them just because she has provided childcare. That's so transactional. It's their decision.

Yep I wondered that too! 2000 miles is further than western Europe but not far enough for North America or Dubai. Maybe Moscow??

@Tigerbalmshark It's 2000 kilometres. Greece?

They’ve already gone so she’s not demanding anything.

Surely it’s up to them?!

I feel sad for you and can see why you feel sad. It all sounds terribly ungrateful of them. But on the other hand, if you love someone set them free. Loving freely without expectation is probably the kindest thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones, but not easy.

Try to reframe how you think about what you did for them - you worked so hard for them but try to think of it as how you offered your love, rather than a waste of time that you got no return from (I know you have not said this but I suppose that’s the extreme end of what bitterness about this could take you to).

I'd be hurt, but they're not "wrong" to have moved. A lot of young people are leaving the UK for other shores because of the cost of living and our crap government and their policies. They see no future here. No point being angry about it though. We don't own our kids and they're free to do what they think is best for their family.

She's saying that she feels they are wrong to have moved/ shouldn't have moved.

They can do what they want with their lives, even though she gave childcare and help.

The childcare and money shouldnt even be part of this conversation. The fact it is makes you unreasonable rather than feeling sad they have moved. They owe you nothing and you are lucky to have them all in your life. As a parent, you need to support your adult children's choices as much as possible so there's no friction between you. Whether their decision is a good idea or a bad one will lie somewhere in the future. Its not in your control and you aren't responsible for it. Only visit when you can afford to though! Don't resent them for over stretching yourselves.