Adult children moving abroad

[Someday111]

Is it right for adult children to move abroad on their 40’s, when they have school age children, and very little money to support their family. Especially after you have provided financial assistance, as well as free child care for their children.

Maybe you could kidnap them and keep them locked in your cellar, OP.

I will elaborate on this situation, although it might not change anyone’s opinion.

Will you be elaborating today?

Why would it be wrong?

I provided full time childcare—-12 hours each day, 5 days each week to my grandchildren from their ages of 3 months until they were school age. I provided this care in their home, at no cost to them. I did this because they could not afford anything else. My husband and I also gave them a sizeable amount of money so they could purchase a home.
We did not ask for anything in return. We respected their privacy on evenings and weekends. They decided to move “just because”. They moved over 2,000 km away. They took new jobs at lower pay in a very expensive city. They used the profit they made on the sale of their house to finance their move. They now live in a very small apartment. When we visit them, we must fly there, stay in a hotel, buy all of our food, and rent a car because their car is also small. This is a considerable expense for us since we are now retired, and I had no income from those eight years of childcare. Perhaps adult children do have a “Right” to live their lives as they choose. However, after they included me in those lives for eight years (at considerable profit to them), was it “Right” for them to move so very far away! AIBU to feel sad and even angry about their choice?

Why did you do those things? Eight years of more than full-time childcare? And the money for their house? Did you give up a job to do the childcare? Could you afford to give them the money you did? I’m just trying to understand your motivation.

I’d be really hurt.

In my case my ILs did fuck all then threw a fit when we discussed moving abroad.

Then invoice them for all the years of childcare.

Sounds like you'll be happy to get some money since they didn't stick to their part of a deal that you made up by yourself.

No, its not "wrong" unless they lied about their intended arrangements in order to secure your financial assistance in buying their house.

I can, however, understand why it is such an upsetting change from your perspective. When you've been so heavily involved in DGC's lives, and they wouldn't have been able to move were it not for your gift, the change of circumstances must be very hard.

I do think you need to work through your anger in the long-term, though, and do your best not to hold it against them - regardless of how it feels, they are entitled to live where they wish and they don't owe it to you to stay nearby - their lives are, first and foremost, for them to live.

I’d be very sad, and probably feel I had been useful till not needed, but it’s their lives.

You must feel very alone, I'm very sorry that they've moved away.

I guess YANBU in feeling any way you wish. However, YABU to think your child has to think or behave as you would like them to.

You say you weren't expecting anything in return. But it sounds like you expect they shouldn't have moved away. In return for all you did for them?

I think you gave too much by doing that childcare. You must miss the dgc I'm sure it's very hard. Are they there for good or might they move back?

But the childcare was your choice, just as the presents of money were, surely. Done because you wanted to. It’s your expectations that are causing you pain here — did you think that your childcare efforts gave you the right to determine your adult child’s movements?

I think in your feelings might be a result of the way they did this.

It’s not “wrong” to move away. They have their lives, they don’t owe you their lives whatever or however much you did for them. Living abroad is a massive, life-changing thing for many people.

However, the way you describe it they haven’t shown any regret about the distance between you and them, especially their children. You also make it sound like they took your money and ran with no looking back, and are still requiring you to pay more money to see them and the children. You make them sound mercenary, unfeeling, in it for the money they can get out of you only. If this is actually the case - then they are wrong. But if it’s more a case of grown adults not talking about feelings and emotions, and suspicions turning into settled positions, well I think you’re all equally wrong.

But in answer to your original question: no, they weren’t wrong to move away. It’s their life. They don’t owe you their life decisions because of financial and childcare provisions you gave them in the past.

Honestly you are not wrong to feel like this. It's understandable to me how this would hurt you.

Absolutely not wrong OP. I'd be so upset and furious too.

I helped my adult grandchildren because I loved them. They needed the help and the grandchildren would have suffered as well. I also thought my help would enable them to focus on their jobs and gain promotions.

Op to give up eight years of your life to effectively work full time to look after your gc was a massive sacrifice, so I can understand you feeling deflated over them leaving now that the hard early years are over. However, to do it for that long surely means that there was something in it for you too?

And to give your adult children a large amount of money was extremely generous.

I’m sorry though, it was ultimately your choice to do the former, and the latter should not have come with strings.

The issue here is communication and expectations. If you put that effort in and gave them the money to guarantee that they would always live physically near you, then that should have been stated very clearly by you from the outset.

They are forty year old adults who can live anywhere they choose! And if they don’t earn much, it might be a good move to go and live in a country which offers access to good subsidised public services eg free university fees and good public transport.

I doubt anyone moves 2,000 km away “just because”! Maybe they felt they had to go that far to truly stand on their own two feet?

Sorry to sound harsh but your post comes across like you think they are irresponsible, ungrateful and you don’t trust their judgement. Maybe that is what they are running away from? Is there a possibility that you became over-involved in their lives?

You have a right to feel angry and sad but you don’t have a right to dictate how or where they live I’m afraid. Unless that money was clearly presented to them as a loan that you wish to reclaim.

You also have a choice how you conduct this relationship in future and they can’t possibly blame you if you cannot visit very often. However, your home can always be open to receive your gc once they reach an age when they can travel independently!

Likewise if the move is a disaster, then you have a choice as to how you respond if they come rushing back asking for help! You could quite legitimately say that you have already spent much of your energy and money on them and you can’t do any more.

Having said that, most parents are happy to see their adult children spread their wings and take on more challenges, even if it means not seeing them as often!

I know it’s hard to accept but once dc are launched adults, they generally don’t find us as interesting as we find them, and that’s the way it should be! As we pass on the baton, we step to the side and back and that’s completely normal I think!

Can you frame it in your own mind that you had some intense and wonderful years raising your gc and many gps don’t get to experience that?

In fact I read a statistic the other day that said once children leave home, their parents on average only get to see them for the equivalent of one more entire year. And you have enjoyed many more years with them than that.

I hope you can work through this op and come to terms with this enormous change and see it as an opportunity to focus on your own life and take some time now for yourself and your dh?

No it’s not wrong . They are adults and are free to move and conduct their lives as they see fit . You are not unreasonable to feel sad by it though . Obviously you will miss them . And if you don’t want to help them financially anymore that is your choice and you shouldn’t feel guilty . No one should expect anything from anyone and that goes both ways so if grandparents want to move away they should not be made to feel guilty either . I do think you sacrificed yourself too much with the full time childcare especially with not any type of payment whatsoever for all those years . I hope they did show you gratitude in some way or another.

Ridiculous comment

Not really, ops the one who mentions money and finances about 10 times in her post as justification for not wanting them to move.

How many times has she mentioned the emotional side in comparison to the financial side?

Of course you are not unreasonable to feel angry, sad or even hurt at their choice however it is their choice and it’s not unreasonable for them to live their lives wherever they want, just as it was your choice to become so heavily involved in their lives, give them money etc. No one forced you to do this. I’m sure they didn’t make the decision lightly, but let’s be honest how many of us considered our parents when we made life choices.
My son moved to Australia. Was I sad of course I was, but I respect it’s his decision and I’m happy he’s living his own life doing what we wants and look forward to our visits.
Please don’t let your personal feelings get in the way or you run the risk of losing them.

Yanbu to be sad but yabu to think they did anything wrong by choosing to move abroad. They can live where they like and you shouldn’t guilt trip them over it.