Adult children moving abroad

[Someday111]

Is it right for adult children to move abroad on their 40’s, when they have school age children, and very little money to support their family. Especially after you have provided financial assistance, as well as free child care for their children.

You are allowed to feel sad. But you gave your time and money willingly I presume. And what's the phrase 'one shouldn't give to receive'? You did a good thing, you enabled your grandchildren to have a great start in life. Now they are living in a big city and presumably enjoying life, your children (child, I presume, unless they are siblings or all of your children have done the same thing) are working and surviving.

So you helped give them the chance to go and live the life they want. Perhaps you have to reframe the way you think about it. And dwelling on how inconvenient it is when you visit them is doing you no favours at all. Either visit and suck it up or ask them to visit you.

Not ridiculous at all…OP sounds so transactional. Not one mention of missing the kids or grandkids or wanting to spend time with them. Just money and finances…if that’s her biggest issue, she could now send them the bill!

The moving thing must be upsetting for you. Besides that, they sound a bit clueless if a major move is going to cost them financially. We moved, ‘just because’. The kids have another language and the experience of living abroad. There was no chance of a financial hit for us, because that would be ridiculous. Family visit and stay with us, or we go to them.

@LoveWine123 I think it goes without saying that she loves and misses her grandchildren!

YANBU to feel sad.

What is unreasonable is the idea that you have any right to a say over their lives, or that they owe you anything for what you gave.

"We did not ask for anything in return."
-Except you sort of did, didn't you, because now you expect them to stay near you for the rest of your life?

It's fine to feel sad but if you really gave them that love and care without expecting anything in return, then you should be happy they are living their lives the way they want to.

Ok going to go against the grain here and say it’s definitely a dick move. They basically embraced extended nuclear family setup when it suited them - accepting huge amounts of cash and huge amounts of childcare. And then as soon as they were financially stable - in huge part thanks to their parents, they upsticks almost immediately and became an “independent” family unit. From a moral standpoint IMO it would only be acceptable behaviour if the child in question made clear their intention early on (IE we plan to move far away as soon as they are school age).

That’s just a platitude though it really. Yes the parents are now “living their lives”. Good for them. The flip side being OP now basically never gets to see the kids she mostly raised herself till they were school age. Thats a huge loss for both sides.

Yes, OP, you are being unreasonable. You raise children to become independent adults. If you didn't want to to that much childcare, you could have said something at the time. They don't now owe you the rest of their lives. If you find it too expensive to visit them, tell them and suggest an alternative.

There is nothing in the UK for yoyr grandkids long term. Encourage them to leave for a better life.

If I could leave the uk I would at the moment. They should be more prepared though financially and child care. Maybe leaving the uk will give them better opportunities and a better life.

Of course it is. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I moved abroad, albeit at 30 with no children at the time, and never looked back. I’ve built a great life for myself and my family and have no regrets (and frankly, am grateful I’m not stuck in my home country or near my family because it’s pretty shit there!).

I don’t think anyone is saying she doesn’t love them, just that her concerns seem to be purely financial in nature. Like she is owed something and she gets to dictate where and how they should live because she gave them money for a deposit and provided childcare.

YANBU to feel sad that they have moved abroad, but you do not have a right to tell them how to live their lives. You said in your post that you never asked for anything in return, but it sounds to me that in return you expected that they would stay living close to you for the rest of their lives. This is the reason that I never accepted any offers of help from in laws, because I knew it would come with strings attached.
You said that you provided the help to enable them to focus on their jobs and gain promotions, and it sounds like that's exactly what they did. They may well have taken lower paid jobs, but those jobs probably have a lot of potential for growth. Sometimes you have to take a step back to take steps forward.
You also should consider that they have moved for non financial reasons, think of how the children will be enriched from experiencing a different country and culture, and perhaps another language.

Try to be happy for them that they are having such a great life experience.

You kindly helped them for free childcare but you chose to do that of your own free will so they could advance job wise.
BUT....many women choose to have kids and put a huge part of their lives on hold between work and family life. They won't always get to do the things they want to either, a lot of that has to wait until the kids are much older or for when they retire.
You come across as very emeshed in their lives 12 hours a day 5 days a week, I understand it's a massive wrench, but as pp have said your grown up kids have to live their lives where and how they please even if it seems selfish to you.
Is another possibe issue you are concerned about needing care when you and h are older ? Some parents automatically expect some support even if they won't admit it loud out.

I agree with the ‘dick move’ comment. Yes they’re allowed to go but I understand why you’re feeling upset

Yes, if that’s where their jobs/careers take them. Surely you offered help and assistance out of love and to forge a deeper bond with your DGC, which is wonderful as it will make the ties stronger when they are overseas and ensure you are welcome to visit regularly?

My DCs are only 18 and 21 (soon) and off to/at uni. We’ve already had the convo that we support them in whatever life decisions they need to make even/especially if ti means they go overseas. My DH and I are financially planning and actively working on our health and fitness to ensure we would be able to maintain a relationship and visit them easily/regularly wherever their lives take them.

Agree with this ^
Also I absolutely understand your feelings. Your children have done some unreasonable choices (at least how it looks from outside) and it annoys you and plus it affects you significantly but nothing you can do.
It’s on you also as it’s your children, you raised as they are today.

Not all adult children would behave this way. A relative of mine gave the same support as you to her DC (also 40 y.o. now) and they behave very differently in return.

I think you should not have done so much free childcare, if it has significantly affected your finances. I'd think this regardless of where they live.

Well, OP, more fool you for providing all that free childcare! Your adult children owe you nothing - maybe they have moved to provide better opportunities for their own children? In which case, good for them.

Great response.

IME OP, don't lend/give money that you can't afford to detach from. You gave a gift, this does not ‘buy’ you any more rights than if you hadn't. Although you will be very sad, the childcare offer is the same. You offered and gave, but it doesn't mean there is a debt to pay.

Lending/giving to adult children in my family has caused issues to. My DF gave me money towards a deposit, gave my DB the same, yet insisted he and DM stayed with me (2 months per year) whilst they visited from abroad. He didn't insist the same of my DB. I pointed it out and offered the money back. He stopped.

Similarly a loan to one adult DC turned sour when repayments stopped. Really difficult to watch DS buy private number plates for DiL, yet be unable to pay back any more of the loan at £50 per month. Holidays (more expensive than ours), asking for more money when their mortgage couldn't be paid etc.

My learning is don’t get involved in supporting with loans, gifts or care unless you can detach completely and be secure in your own situation, both financial and emotional.

I’ve read your update OP.

Clearly adults in their 40s can make their own decisions. But I can completely understand why it hurts that they’ve gone after you’ve done so much for them, and been such a part of theirs and the grandchildren’s lives. And of course travelling to visit is costly.

These are all things that mean I wouldn’t want to move abroad. I’d miss my mum, and she would miss my DD.

But I’d be interested to hear their reasons, too.

You chose to give free childcare, you chose to give financial assistance, just as your children chose to move abroad.

financial assistance and free childcare was a goodwill gesture from you, it doesn’t come with any clauses or and guarantees that your children will stay close to you.

Can understand why you feel sad. It is a shame they have moved. But you can only trust it is because it’s what’s best for them as a family. You must miss the children.
I don’t think that people take on the care of elderly relatives these days in the way that people used to. And that’s normal. If you were hoping to be cared for in your advanced years I think you need to make a back up plan as that’s unlikely to happen.

As you were doing so much childcare, it is rather baffling you did not know they wanted to move away.

I feel for you OP .You have given a huge chunk of your life over to babysitting and DC seem ungrateful .I do wonder if you had got a little too close ,I think to be fair ,try to make sure you can visit them that will give you something to look forward to.Do you have other DGC at all? Maybe a dog if you like them .Walks and chatting to other owners may help.

I was Devestated when they moved. Our entire family was. As I have mentioned, I stayed out of their lives when I was not watching the children. I was not that overbearing mother/grandmother. When their first child was born, they could not afford to pay for childcare. Over the years, I saved them thousands in child care. We never asked for the money when they left, nor did they offer any. They would not have been able to. While we never told them they needed to stay nearby, we also never imagined they would move so far away.