Adult children moving abroad

[Someday111]

Is it right for adult children to move abroad on their 40’s, when they have school age children, and very little money to support their family. Especially after you have provided financial assistance, as well as free child care for their children.

I don't get why you're talking about money? Presumably, you did childcare because you wanted to, because you wanted to spend time with your grandchildren?

Yes, your child got a benefit from it as well, but that means it was a mutually beneficial arrangement. They don't owe you anything for that, not money, and certainly not having to live their lives within a certain distance of you.

It may not work out for them, some underestimate what is involved in living in another country, taxes, healthcare etc. in which case they will be glad of your help again if they return.

Where are they going? Just out of interest

Are they happier now where they are compared to UK?

I would be a bit gutted if kids move abroad so hardly saw them and the grandkids.

I dont think you can say though "is it right" like its some morale dilemma.

What would not be right is if they starting asking for financial hand outs or for you to regularly fly out there to help with childcare.

It was you decision to provide so much childcare and also give them money- what they’ve done with it is up to them.

This has jumped out at me, however:

When we visit them, we must fly there, stay in a hotel, buy all of our food, and rent a car because their car is also small. This is a considerable expense for us since we are now retired, and I had no income from those eight years of childcare.

I think that’s unfair given how much support you’ve given them, especially paying for your own food while visiting! I think you should raise this and be honest that now you’re retired, this is too expensive for you. We usually cover part of the expenses when grandparents visit and I think in this case, your child/spouse can too.

I understand OP. If they were moving for their careers to have a great quality of life I’d be sad but I’d get it but it does seem a bit harsh to move away for no apparant benefit in their forties both on their kids and on you Did they explain their reasoning at all? I understand how much you must miss your grandchildren and them. Do they come back to visit you? Phone regularly?

Perhaps adult children do have a “Right” to live their lives as they choose.

Of course adults in their 40s have the right to live wherever they see fit!
You chose to take on the role of unpaid childminder, no-one forced you to do that, and it doesn't give you the right to dictate where and how they live.

It's a bit shitty of them, in my opinion, and I would be a little bit disappointed for a moment.

But it is their life, they are allowed to follow their dream. Presumably you wanted to help so that they can have the life they want, not the life you think they should have. All that money has enabled them to do what they want.

My own parents have funded me loads in my 20s (uni, house deposit etc). I moved abroad at 28. They have been nothing but happy for me and visit lots (although i do facilitate it, pay for tickets and house them etc). I'm now moving back as I am a mum and I miss wider family.

So I can see both sides here - the desire to live abroad but also the family ties and sacrifices.

This has been painful to read, OP.

Given your involvement with your DGC and your financial generosity, I think your DC should have communicated better. I also think they should be more generous, financially, when you visit, unless they are really living in poverty.

I understand that centring this discussion around finances is easier than centring it around love, which is what I think the real question is - how could they do this if they love you, after all you have done? But that is the compact between parents and children. You made your choices from love and DC don’t owe you.

Of itself, there is nothing wrong with the move. There is a lot wrong with the way it has been executed. Can you possibly invite your DGC to you instead of going to your DC? It would be more economical, and enable you to maintain your bond.

I would also step back from further financial support unless and until you truly have money to spare, with your own long term needs and comforts well in place first.

I am sorry you are in this painful position.

I would be totally miffed and upset too OP. After all you’ve given them it doesn’t sound like they’ve considered the impact on you as grandparents - I think most people would at least give it some thought. They sound a bit selfish, it’s been a lot of take take take on their part

It would make me happy if I could see that they were happier and the gks were happier and it’s benefited them all. But you must miss them all too

This is a great example of why people shouldn’t go above and beyond with expectations.

Only give / offer help if it’s not transactional in some way!

Did they ever do anything for you as a thank you?

I know someone who had a similar set up. Her DC were cared for by her parents, above & beyond. When the parents decided to move back to their home country, she followed them with her DC. She basically had free fulltime childcare and after school care for 16 years. Her parents gave so much. She does look after them now in their old age, which is good, but she really took advantage of them.

Again, it was not my idea, or even my choice to provide childcare. When their first child was born, they had no other option. They had very little income. I was in my sixties, and it gradually became harder and harder for me. But the children loved having me as their babysitter, and I looked forward to the day when I would be more rested and ready to care for them only after school.

It was your choice though. You could have said no, and they'd have had to find another solution.

But you didn't, you chose to look after them.

Give over! That really has the whiff of victim blaming about it.

Yes OP you must have wanted to give them tens of thousands worth of childcare to then realise they only ever saw you as a source to extract resources from. Their attitude will be like this posters, “if we can get sixty hours free childcare every week from you, what of it?” Unfortunately your child and their spouse are selfish, and probably stupid, right through to the core.
Your best bet is to cut off the supply, and regularly remind them about all the free stuff they got from you.

Victim blaming requires a victim!

There's no victim here, just someone who chose to help out their family and then doesn't like the way they've decided to live their lives.

Sorry but this was entirely your choice. Plenty of people manage without free childcare.

Agree .

So if they had little income, needed to work and couldn’t afford childcare was the OP ie the grandmother just supposed to say tough! Get on with it even if you end up homeless? Have you got children yourself?

Op if I were you I’d try and get out and about joining activities and clubs etc and live my life. Go and see them if you like but if it’s too expensive and uncomfortable maybe just offer to have the kids stay with you during holidays. I’d be devastated too though for sure so I do understand.

Well yeah, that's what happened when I had my daughter. My Mum had a job, DPs parents lived halfway across the country, so we just had to get on with it. I worked a 9-5 and DP worked evenings and weekends. We barely saw each other for a few years until DD went to school and DP could change her shifts.

My Mum probably could have dropped her hours and looked after DD a couple of days a week, but she never offered, we never asked, and we certainly never begrudged her the fact that she didn't.

OP chose to offer the level of childcare she did, she always had the power to say no.

Well I’m glad you managed it. It must have been a tough few years. If i wasn’t working and my kids were in dire straits I’d probably do the childcare until they got on their feet tbh. Not that I would actually choose it tbh but I wouldn’t see them struggle.

Well yeah, I'd probably do the same if I wasn't working.

But I'd be making the choice to do that, as would you. It may not feel like a choice, but it is one.

And because it is a choice, I wouldn't then begrudge my child if they decided that moving away was the best option for them.

I think it's sad and a massive shame. DH and I have not moved away because we think it's unfair on grandparents.

Well yes it would be a choice between watch your kid suffer maybe struggle to stay with partner cos of the pressure and struggle to keep a roof over their head with all that would entail for DGC or give up your time and help. It’s kind of a hobsons choice really.
Not begrudge them moving but be hurt and sad because you would be very close to those grandchildren that you looked after 12 hours a day from babies wouldn’t you? I understand how OP feels.