Asked to leave over DH comments

[Reallyti]

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

I'm in my 50s and I have never been homophobic. My mum is 76 and not homophobic. Don't talk tosh

@Reallyti I have a teenage gay son and another child with MH issues who attempted suicide at university and was saved partly by her boyfriend. So I relate to those parts of your situation.

It's your son's birthday, your DH really upset him, and you live a few hours' away. If I was you, I would be in a taxi over to your son's to make it clear that you love him, that you are very angry with his father for the way he treated him, and that you don't condone any of it.

It sounds like you may be in a bit of shock and are also used to taking a somewhat passive role with your DH. But I'd ask yourself what you want to do deep down inside. Because if you leave without making reparations with your son, given the distance, it may be quite a while before you see him again.

Same.

Sounds like you might have a late evening of conspiracy theories to look forward to as well.
You have been offered pretty consistent advice on here( as you didn't know what to do) So up to you really isn't it?

As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Have you reflected on this? Your son attempted suicide and your husband wasn’t happy about him prioritising his mental health and still goes on about it. From everything you’ve said, he sounds like a deeply unpleasant man who has bullied his son for years. How can you even be thinking that this is OK?

@Reallyti if your son tried to take his own life. If that wasn't a big enough wake up call for H I don't know what will be.

I was about to type just this. Your poor son, reached out and got this response.

Politely, your husband is a cunt. If you still want a relationship with your son you need to go in person and ensure thaf he knows you know your husband was an absolute cunt.

And I hate the leave the bastard posts usually on here but it's appropriate this time.

When bf said to leave, did he address your husband or both of you?
I'm wondering if you going too may have said a lot, and explain why your message has not been replied to.

Well I suppose he’s shown you now that he’s homophobic. It sounds like your marriage is already difficult with you threatening to leave and him accusing you of breaking the family up. Sadly the only person who seems to be pulling the family apart is your husband. Obviously you’re not responsible for your husband’s nephews so it would not be on you if you did decide to walk away but can you honestly see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man? I would consider writing a letter to your son and posting it to let him know how sorry you are, how much you love him and that you will always be there for him, but don’t leave things this way. Perhaps tell him you are more than happy to visit alone. You’ll probably find the reason he has kept this from you both for so long was because he already knew how your husband would behave and he was right, wasn’t he?

Support your son, your DH is a prick.

Go and knock on DS'S door. Tell him DH's behaviour was not acceptable, that you side with DS and that you love and accept him and BF. Ask him what he'd like feom you re DH - does he want you to try to speak to him and help him see sense, does he want some space feom him for a bit? Don't be half hearted and say things that are apologising for DH or just smoothing it over - he needs to know you are on his side and you won't just let it go. Next time intervene sooner with DH - 'DH i don't think Bob wants to tell you the ins and outs of his family situation, let's leave it there shall we?' 'DH the soft toy is a lovely gift, stop being negative.' Etc. Otherwise you look like a collaborator from your DS's perspective. And also because you don't want your son to be made uncomfortable by a dickhead even if he is your husband. And on that note I'd be getting DH to therapy - was his father hyper masculine? Is there some deep rooted insecurity there that is making him pick on his son? Why does he think it is ok to give someone who is practically a stranger (BF) the third degree on personal issues?

Please look after your son. I’m in my late 50s with a trans brother that has never came out to our dad (mum died years ago),. It makes life really hard for them, I wish we had all been braver years ago and been honest instead of this stupid pretence. Don’t be us a family waiting for my dad to die so my brother can be free in his 60s

Name-calling is such a terrible argument - a favorite of people who lack critical thinking skills.

OP's husband reacted badly but it's not the end of the world and he could still come round with time.

Btw, today's youth are every bit as intolerant as older generations, just over different things - you'll realize that as you get older.

Sounds like the bf is the first person to have your DSs back which, while lovely for your ds, is just awful that it wasn't you or your husband. I cannot image how it must have been to be exposed to his fathers constant criticism.
Whilst you may not feel the same way as your dh, you are not a person of trust in your DS life because you allowed him to be treated the way he was. Even now, why was it up to the bf to tell your dh to leave? Why couldn't YOU?

What it must have taken to reach out to you both and invite you into his home 😢

All the ultimatums in the world mean nothing without follow through.

How far is your hotel from your son’s home? Can you go over and just give both boys a hug and say you’ll speak to them tomorrow but you wanted to do that?

This breaks my heart 💔

How sad for you that you're married to such an ignoramus.
And how sad for your DS that this ignoramus is his own father.

You and ds have choices.
I would choose LTB for you and NC between DS and his father.

Don't waste any more time, both of you....

Your DH is a jerk (putting it very very very mildly). I would be telling him to go home (in much less polite words). I would knock on your ds and his partner door and tell them they have your 100% love and support. I also would be reflecting on my marriage and would wonder what my Dh role was in my Dr's son's reasons for attempting suicide. Sadly I fear it was significant.

As a mum of three, I simply cannot fathom how a parent's love is anything but unconditional. To not accept anyone simply due to their sexuality I personally find abhorrent, but your own child...unimaginable.

Your husband is a nasty, bullying, arrogant homophobe. Appalling behaviour. If you want a relationship with your son then you know what to do, draw your lines clearly on his side and reflect on your marriage to this shart.

Thank god your DS has a supportive boyfriend, his family are seriously letting him down.

My heart breaks for your son, OP. I'm pleased that he has a wonderful and loving partner in his life, however.

Thank you, he is lucky to have myself and my sister who knows his true self, but he really feels so sad that he can’t connect with our dad. I’m sure there are many people sadly in the same position, hopefully our children will be be more open hearted.

Your husband is an awful bully and your son sounds like he's found a kind partner. Good on him.

It sounds like things got pretty bad for him as a teen to attempt suicide. I imagine being gay, unable to come out to his homophobic father, was pretty tough. Thank god his friend was there for him, and still is.

Have you stood up for him against his father reliably and consistently? If not, you probably want to start now in order to preserve your own relationship with him.

Your husband is an abusive bully and probably the reason your son attempted to take his life, after years of being bullied.
Sounds like your son will be stepping away from you both.
Poor lad, he deserves so much better.
Be careful OP, its reading as if you have put your bully husband ahead of your son.
That never ends well.

Your husband is an abusive bully and probably the reason your son attempted to take his life, after years of being bullied.
Sounds like your son will be stepping away from you both.
Poor lad, he deserves so much better.
Be careful OP, its reading as if you have put your bully husband ahead of your son.
That never ends well.