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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asked to leave over DH comments

533 replies

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

OP posts:
ChocolateCinderToffee · 28/12/2025 21:49

Your husband is awful, OP, but I assume this behaviour isn't a one-off. He's clearly racist and homophobic. If you want to have any kind of relationship with your DS in future, you are going to have to cut your husband right out of your relationship with your son or dump your husband altogether (which would be my preference).

ThisJadeBear · 28/12/2025 21:50

Imagine if this lovely man went to his family and told them how he’d been spoken to?
How would you feel if it were reversed and your son had been verbally abused by a stranger in his own home.
Your son sounds wonderful and at a time he’s found difficult he has found someone so fantastic to share his life with. They were the grown men in that situation.
Your DH is an abuser and it’s clear he has bottled a lot up. Your poor son to be shamed in this way. I hope it brings your son and his boyfriend closer together.
I couldn’t look at my DH again after this, if you stay with him there’s a good chance your son will walk away.

Original poster
Reallyti · 28/12/2025 21:50

He's not shown he's homophobic before, he and ds just don't have the best relationship after ds dropped out of uni. He was always stricter with education that way. If he didn't get the best GCSEs or A levels etc I would've been fine as long as he tried but DH 100% wouldn't have and he’d just say he wanted ds to do well in life when I spoke about how much pressure he put on ds

He does have weird conspiracy theories in recent times when drunk mostly and I have given him an ultimatum that ill leave but he then accuses me of trying to break up the family as while ds is our only child, DH’s nephews live with us usually ft (they're staying with other family whilst we are away)

When they started arguing I wasn't there as it started off dh was bashing the gift his bf gave him (again), dh said he snatched it out of his hands when he was just having a look but I didn't see that as I was in the loo. They then started arguing properly after ds said the questions weren't any of our business, which I agree with. Last night I kept trying to change the subject when dh was asking the questions but he kept circling back, even asking if ds is a nightmare to live with etc because he's messy.

Today I did tell him to stop and leave ds alone, I called him out for being ridiculous when he suggested that the bf stopped ds from celebrating christmas because he got me a gift but not dh, and ds previously told us yesterday that they spent their christmas playing games and watching films and eating so dh brought that back up. But when the bf got back he didn't fully know what happened just that ds was crying and dh had upset him.

I have messaged DS but he's left me on read and it's now saying he's on do not disturb when I message him. DH has gone for a drink to im just alone in the hotel room

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 28/12/2025 21:52

Can you go home asap? Is his drinking an ongoing problem?

MysticalPombear · 28/12/2025 21:55

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 21:50

He's not shown he's homophobic before, he and ds just don't have the best relationship after ds dropped out of uni. He was always stricter with education that way. If he didn't get the best GCSEs or A levels etc I would've been fine as long as he tried but DH 100% wouldn't have and he’d just say he wanted ds to do well in life when I spoke about how much pressure he put on ds

He does have weird conspiracy theories in recent times when drunk mostly and I have given him an ultimatum that ill leave but he then accuses me of trying to break up the family as while ds is our only child, DH’s nephews live with us usually ft (they're staying with other family whilst we are away)

When they started arguing I wasn't there as it started off dh was bashing the gift his bf gave him (again), dh said he snatched it out of his hands when he was just having a look but I didn't see that as I was in the loo. They then started arguing properly after ds said the questions weren't any of our business, which I agree with. Last night I kept trying to change the subject when dh was asking the questions but he kept circling back, even asking if ds is a nightmare to live with etc because he's messy.

Today I did tell him to stop and leave ds alone, I called him out for being ridiculous when he suggested that the bf stopped ds from celebrating christmas because he got me a gift but not dh, and ds previously told us yesterday that they spent their christmas playing games and watching films and eating so dh brought that back up. But when the bf got back he didn't fully know what happened just that ds was crying and dh had upset him.

I have messaged DS but he's left me on read and it's now saying he's on do not disturb when I message him. DH has gone for a drink to im just alone in the hotel room

Why haven't you gone to your son yet?

Why has your husband left you jn hotel room to go drinking?

You seem to be dumbing down seriousness of this.

Your husbands shown you who he is... who are you?

BadgernTheGarden · 28/12/2025 21:55

Leave it a day or two and then message saying how happy you are he is happy and sorry about his dad being a dick.

ILoveLaLaLand · 28/12/2025 21:55

Millytante · 28/12/2025 21:39

Point of order. Decriminalising homosexuality can hardly be deemed ‘recent’, surely.
Also, we may be brought up to be X, Y, or even Z, but we aren’t fated to remain that way when we have modern education and multifarious liberal media within constant reach.
So even if a man were indeed the son of a racist homophobe, that man matures with the same credo only by choice.

Show quote history

Decriminalizing homosexuality happened in my lifetime and despite this section 28 was introduced nearly 20 years later and only repealed in 2003.

What are now considered acceptable views about homosexuality were not considered acceptable for most of my lifetime and no man (or woman) is an island.

Younger people did not grow up with the same influences as the older generation so it's easy to just call other people bigots rather than try to change their mind.

SockFluffInTheBath · 28/12/2025 21:56

If your DH is still in the bar could you call your DS? I imagine he won’t answer but you could leave a message saying you love him very much, and your DH was out of order. My DS is gay, and if DH acted like that towards him I would prioritise my son. Your DH is a complete prick. Hug to you.

ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 28/12/2025 21:56

So you didn't stand up for your son.
Poor lad, let down by both his parents.

boogietrapps · 28/12/2025 21:58

Your husband sounds like an absolute arse. I’d give your son some time now that you’ve messaged him, if he doesn’t reply in a couple of days I’d give him a call but I’d have a really stern word with your husband.

Rainallnight · 28/12/2025 21:59

My mum was a dick when I came out and my dad just stood back. I never forgave him.

On a separate point, DS’s boyfriend sounds amazing so yay him.

Steeleydan · 28/12/2025 21:59

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

My God with an obnoxious arsehole as a father no wonder your poor son attempted to take his life, thank god for his boyfriend been there for him,he sounds like the only one that's had time for your son.
I hope you take your sons side, your husband deserved been thrown out, bf should have punched him on the way out

RightSheSaid · 28/12/2025 21:59

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 21:50

He's not shown he's homophobic before, he and ds just don't have the best relationship after ds dropped out of uni. He was always stricter with education that way. If he didn't get the best GCSEs or A levels etc I would've been fine as long as he tried but DH 100% wouldn't have and he’d just say he wanted ds to do well in life when I spoke about how much pressure he put on ds

He does have weird conspiracy theories in recent times when drunk mostly and I have given him an ultimatum that ill leave but he then accuses me of trying to break up the family as while ds is our only child, DH’s nephews live with us usually ft (they're staying with other family whilst we are away)

When they started arguing I wasn't there as it started off dh was bashing the gift his bf gave him (again), dh said he snatched it out of his hands when he was just having a look but I didn't see that as I was in the loo. They then started arguing properly after ds said the questions weren't any of our business, which I agree with. Last night I kept trying to change the subject when dh was asking the questions but he kept circling back, even asking if ds is a nightmare to live with etc because he's messy.

Today I did tell him to stop and leave ds alone, I called him out for being ridiculous when he suggested that the bf stopped ds from celebrating christmas because he got me a gift but not dh, and ds previously told us yesterday that they spent their christmas playing games and watching films and eating so dh brought that back up. But when the bf got back he didn't fully know what happened just that ds was crying and dh had upset him.

I have messaged DS but he's left me on read and it's now saying he's on do not disturb when I message him. DH has gone for a drink to im just alone in the hotel room

I'd go to the shop and get a card and your sons favourite chocolates. I'd write your son a heartfelt message. Get a cab and post it through the letter box. I wouldn't knock because he wants space but I'd make the effort yo demonstrate that you love him and support him while also respecting his boundaries.

Your H is the one breaking up the family with his behaviour. He's alienating your son. Don't tolerate it. You'll end up seeing your son infrequently if ever because of H.

Boudy · 28/12/2025 22:00

'He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too'.......This is part of your first post....so if the first lot of comments are about dropping out of uni( ? After attempting suicide) what are the 'other things too' he comments about?

MCF86 · 28/12/2025 22:00

My Grandma, who would be over 100 now were she still with us, said when my cousin came out "I can't say I understand it but I only want you all to be happy". Absolute bullshit to blame anyones age for them not putting their child's happiness first!

OP, message him again and say how nice it was to see he has found someone that will stand up for him like bf did, and you'd really like to see him before you go home (without your husband). Even if he doesn't agree to it this time he will at least know you wanted to and will hopefully be open to it soon. Don't give him any reason to think you agree with his dad about any of this!

Honeyandwine · 28/12/2025 22:01

Your husband is an absolute knob. Sounds like your son has done the right thing staying home with his bf and fair play to his bf for sending your husband packing. You side with your son. Your husband is out of order.

DireStraights · 28/12/2025 22:02

Distance your opinion from your husbands immediately (on text if DS won’t answer the phone)
say you’re happy for him and the bf seems kind and supportive.
Don’t try and protect DH but don’t chuck him under a bus either.
Say you know he behaved badly and that DS did the right thing asking you both to go. Tell DS you love him and support him. Leave it there for now and stay in regular touch even if you get nothing back.
tell DH he needs to send a thoughtful apology or risk loosing his son. Say you are going to pursue a relationship with your son without him. If he doesn’t

Namechangerage · 28/12/2025 22:03

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 21:50

He's not shown he's homophobic before, he and ds just don't have the best relationship after ds dropped out of uni. He was always stricter with education that way. If he didn't get the best GCSEs or A levels etc I would've been fine as long as he tried but DH 100% wouldn't have and he’d just say he wanted ds to do well in life when I spoke about how much pressure he put on ds

He does have weird conspiracy theories in recent times when drunk mostly and I have given him an ultimatum that ill leave but he then accuses me of trying to break up the family as while ds is our only child, DH’s nephews live with us usually ft (they're staying with other family whilst we are away)

When they started arguing I wasn't there as it started off dh was bashing the gift his bf gave him (again), dh said he snatched it out of his hands when he was just having a look but I didn't see that as I was in the loo. They then started arguing properly after ds said the questions weren't any of our business, which I agree with. Last night I kept trying to change the subject when dh was asking the questions but he kept circling back, even asking if ds is a nightmare to live with etc because he's messy.

Today I did tell him to stop and leave ds alone, I called him out for being ridiculous when he suggested that the bf stopped ds from celebrating christmas because he got me a gift but not dh, and ds previously told us yesterday that they spent their christmas playing games and watching films and eating so dh brought that back up. But when the bf got back he didn't fully know what happened just that ds was crying and dh had upset him.

I have messaged DS but he's left me on read and it's now saying he's on do not disturb when I message him. DH has gone for a drink to im just alone in the hotel room

And has DH apologised to you for also ruining your visit with DS?? I suspect not… honestly, I would pack up and either go home or to another hotel room. He’s an awful person and you are enabling him by staying with him.

Will you divorce him?

EchoesOfOurDreams · 28/12/2025 22:04

Why have you not LTB yet?

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 28/12/2025 22:04

You've written the same stuff twice. What you doing is go round to your son, knock and give him a massive hug. Then you leave your husband.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 28/12/2025 22:05

I feel so upset for your son.

I could never forgive his father for treating him like that. It would be game over.

The obvious thing to do is show support to your son. But that doesn't seem obvious to you?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 28/12/2025 22:05

I would be furious with him too. He has lost his son forever because he is an ignorant pig. He only has himself to blame, he cannot take back words.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 22:06

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 21:50

He's not shown he's homophobic before, he and ds just don't have the best relationship after ds dropped out of uni. He was always stricter with education that way. If he didn't get the best GCSEs or A levels etc I would've been fine as long as he tried but DH 100% wouldn't have and he’d just say he wanted ds to do well in life when I spoke about how much pressure he put on ds

He does have weird conspiracy theories in recent times when drunk mostly and I have given him an ultimatum that ill leave but he then accuses me of trying to break up the family as while ds is our only child, DH’s nephews live with us usually ft (they're staying with other family whilst we are away)

When they started arguing I wasn't there as it started off dh was bashing the gift his bf gave him (again), dh said he snatched it out of his hands when he was just having a look but I didn't see that as I was in the loo. They then started arguing properly after ds said the questions weren't any of our business, which I agree with. Last night I kept trying to change the subject when dh was asking the questions but he kept circling back, even asking if ds is a nightmare to live with etc because he's messy.

Today I did tell him to stop and leave ds alone, I called him out for being ridiculous when he suggested that the bf stopped ds from celebrating christmas because he got me a gift but not dh, and ds previously told us yesterday that they spent their christmas playing games and watching films and eating so dh brought that back up. But when the bf got back he didn't fully know what happened just that ds was crying and dh had upset him.

I have messaged DS but he's left me on read and it's now saying he's on do not disturb when I message him. DH has gone for a drink to im just alone in the hotel room

You've let your son down big time. Don't be surprised if he never wants to see you or your husband again

I am sorry for you because your husband caused this - but you need to pick a side and that is that

Mirandawrongs · 28/12/2025 22:07

Your son has left you on read because that’s what you deserve.

your son has struggled all his life to “fit in”.
good grades, university, it doesn’t matter what he does his father wi rip him down.
you are supporting your “DH, Dick of a Husband” in this behaviour.
you might not act the way his father does but you don’t mind him doing it.
have you told him to stop?
have you asked him why he does it?

your son found his own way by moving away from you.
he reached out and he had a physical reaction to your husband (sickness).
this did not stop him being bullied by his tormentor.

go home, leave him be.
left him have the life he deserves away from you and his father.

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 28/12/2025 22:07

ILoveLaLaLand · 28/12/2025 21:55

Decriminalizing homosexuality happened in my lifetime and despite this section 28 was introduced nearly 20 years later and only repealed in 2003.

What are now considered acceptable views about homosexuality were not considered acceptable for most of my lifetime and no man (or woman) is an island.

Younger people did not grow up with the same influences as the older generation so it's easy to just call other people bigots rather than try to change their mind.

Edited
Show quote history

This is such a terrible argument - a favourite of racists, misogynists, and homophobes. “Times were different!” Maybe, but compassion has always been the same.