Asked to leave over DH comments

[Reallyti]

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

Sadly another thread on mumsnet where I’m shocked someone is actually still married to one of these utter cunts.

And to be frank, mother to mother, I am shocked you are allowing someone, husband or not, to treat your son in this way.

My dad was a knob, and that’s one thing, but I’ll also never forgive my mother for standing by and allowing him to do it. Almost as bad IMO.

Please think carefully about what you do next before you potentially destroy the relationship with your son.

Your son will cut you off too for not protecting him from this cunt you’re married to. You both destroyed his birthday and were horrifically rude to him and his partner. Why the hell did you not do or say anything? I’d have told husband to shut up and leave way before they had to. I’d never allow my sons to be verbally abused like this. You’re enabling it. Shitty. You seriously need to call and apologise to your son and work on that relationship and be prepared to visit him on your own. I’d want a divorce from anyone who treated my child like scum.

There are lots of hard and heavy posts on here, and I think you need to see this as a wake up call.

I think you have spent so long with DH that youve become immune to his comments and see them as normal, and thats why you are so confused as to what to do now. But the level of vitriol he has spouted at your DS in not normal. Criticising absolutely everything, from his attending xmas, his partner, the treasured gift his partner gave him, your DS illness, the way your DS BF cared for him with his illness. That level of criticism is abhorrent. If that level of criticism and demeaning behaviour is what your DS has been exposed to all his life then you should count your lucky stars that he is still here. He almost wasnt.

But his self-esteem will be in the toilet because of your DH treatment of him. This is your wake up call now. Choose your son. He is vulnerable, and part of why he is vulnerable is the treatment he has experienced from your DH, not his sexuality. Love your son. Love his dedicated, wonderful, life saving BF. Be there for them. Wrap them up in your arms. Your sons BF may well have his own troubles and battles in store if his family are strict. Be his mum too. You have a chance to do something wonderful for two lovely young men. It's time to rise to the challenge.

You need to sit down with your husband and have a good talk- he is being like a toddler and making everything worse- you need to get to the bottom of his problem with this situation, because if you don't you will lose your son.
You are obviously not keen to challenge your husband about his beliefs and behaviour- but I'm afraid that has to change.

DH drinking isn't a problem, he only drinks a couple of times a month, if that. I did try and make him see he was wrong but he doesn't see it that way he's put all of the blame on the bf even though he wasn't there for most of it. He says he wouldn't have an issue if ds was dating a man but not “that man” (his words).

I did tell ds I loved him no matter what and I just wanted him to be happy and I did try to hug him but he pushed me away. The whole time DH was saying that he must be ashamed of the bf as he doesn't introduce him as that. DS tried to say that he wasn't ashamed and he doesn't care that most people definitely know, he just enjoys it being just them but if anyone asked he wouldn't lie and he’d say yes. But DH was going on and on even when ds was crying. I did tell him that was enough but he wouldn't listen. He was still going on when he was packing his things. I don't think DS intended for things to go that way or that he was even going to come out there and then

I haven't gone over because he's not replied to my messages and I don't want to upset him further but I don't want to lose him either. Today was supposed to be a lovely day even if he wasn't up to the original plans, it was the first time spending his birthday with all of us as he's usually at home with just us. Another hotel room is a good suggestion but I already paid for this one so it will be £££

This 100%

Without hesitation you get in a taxi and go and hug your son

It wasn’t intended to be name-calling. Racists, homophobes, and misogynists are all factual terms for people who espouse the views of racism, homophobia, and misogyny. I meant it to be a factual statement that those people use this argument. I’m not saying that you belong to any of those groups, and I apologize if I was not clear enough. But I still believe this is a bad, and indeed a weak, argument for that reason. “It was part of another generation” has been used to excuse a lot of types of hate. @Roobarbtwo may have been a little more straightforward when they called the argument a load of tosh. My disagreement is with your argument and the people who use it, not you as a person.

That said, I don’t think, in this day and age, it’s OP’s job to either wait for or try to force her husband to “come around,” nor should their DS have to deal with his judgment and frankly shite behavior until he does. OP needs to support her son, before he ends up cutting them both off, leaving him in an incredibly vulnerable position if he and the boyfriend break up (he said he hated himself for being gay and was suicidal before the boyfriend).

And @Reallyti - you don’t have to answer this to the forum, but I want you to REALLY think about why your son might hate himself for being gay. Maybe he was bullied, but what views has your husband shared for DS’ whole life? What terms does he use for gay men or gay people? Does he have any gay friends? Has he used religion to justify any discrimination in the past? Your son got this self-hatred from somewhere.

I did try and make him see he was wrong but he doesn't see it that way he's put all of the blame on the bf even though he wasn't there for most of it. He says he wouldn't have an issue if ds was dating a man but not “that man” (his words).
But he has been bullying him for years by the sounds of it

Yeah I'd be offering to book your ds and BF a holiday as a peace offering and reading my DH the riot act. What a piggish way to behave.

I have a friend who, after months of agonising, came out as gay to her very religious, strait laced, 88 year old great grandma who was very much the matriarch, and who ruled the family roost with an iron fist.
Told her they were getting married, and very tentatively, that they'd like grandma to be at the wedding and give them her blessing.
Expecting virtual 'excommunication' from the family, being shunned, and much worse, told never to darken her door, or any of the family's, again.
Great grandma listened, pondered a bit, then looked at her and said "Well l'm happy you're happy, pet, but who's going to take the lids off your jars?"
It's not difficult. Even for an almost 90 year old churchgoing great grandma.

This is so sad

You’ve let this horrible horrible man berate, insult and tear down your son for what sounds like years. Stop justifying your behaviour, get off your arse and go to your child.

Your husband is a piece of shit, but you’re not blameless. You’re a terrible mother.

If you dont go in person you come across to him as an enabler.

You don't sound as angry with him as I would be, after reading about your sons early life I'd be honoured at him reaching out to you both, his father certainly didnt deserve it, and for his father to react this way?

Id be showing his arse the door.

Can your husband not keep his mouth shut? The world at large does not need to hear his opinions.

Can he not see that pressure to succeed academically isn't ehat your DS needed, dropping out of uni is not the end of thr world. Some of ky cousins didn't go to uni and they studied a profession in their mid 20s and are very successful and well paid now. The world is full of many paths, if you're imaginative, inspired and motivated.

Your husband isn't motivating his son in any way, he's chipping away at him if anything. I cannot imagine my son attempting suicide and not just holding him close, mentally and physically, and basically giving him free reign to follow any path he so chooses that makes him happy, just thankful that he's still breathing and walking on this earth.

Theories prejudices and anxieties aside, it's about two men who clearly love eachorher and care for eachother. He needs to apologise big time and you jeed to show you do not agree and will always advocate for your son or you'll lose him I'm afraid.

Honestly I think you're at a juncture in your life where you can choose to be part of your son's wonderful family, or you can choose keeping the peace with your obnoxious husband and lose out on having a close relationship with your son, possibly forever. Is your husband worth your son?

Perhaps if you lay it out to your husband that you're disgusted by the way he has spoken to your son and you don't want to see him again / want to separate effectively, until he apologises, he might reflect on what he said and there could be a future in which you have a loving relationship with both of them, but I really think that's the only way.

Maintaining the status quo / doing nothing really is choosing your husband over your son and I don't think your son will ever really forget that.

I am really sorry for you. I can't ever envisage my mum turning my back on my brother if she thought he was gay. She's 76 and she never would. Your husband is a bigot - and you might have to choose between them sorry to say

Op is an enabler, it's exactly what she is doing.. enabling ullying behaviour of her own son.

Your husband is a nasty, nasty bastard.

Our youngest is 22. We’ve no idea yet what their sexuality is. If my husband of 37 years behaved as yours did were they to tell us they were gay, I would divorce him.
Thankfully, that will never be an issue because he’s not an homophobic prick.

Your son is in a happy, long term relationship with someone who accepts, loves & supports him. No brainer! Support your son. 100 %.

He says he wouldn't have an issue if ds was dating a man but not “that man” (his words).
This really doesn't redeem him in the slightest.... and it's utter bullshit.

He really does sound like a bully. He picks on some arbitrary thing and then goes on and on and on. And doesn't care one jot that he's hurting his son. He must be heard. 🙄

GCSEs, the BF, the gift, 'DS must be ashamed'. It needs to end now. Protect yourself and your son from this bully. He sounds like an absolute moron.

I can't get my head around the fact that your DH doesn't apparently have a problem with your DS dating a man - but just not "that man" (presumably because of race). And yet the fact "that man" saved your son's life when he attempted suicide is neither here nor there for your DH?

This is awful on so many levels.

I hope that you appreciate how courageous and mature your DS is, OP, (a) for inviting you both to stay with him and his partner for his birthday, wanting to share the day with you in spite of his father's treatment of him over the years and (b) actually being confident enough to say his sexuality shouldn't be an issue - and he's right, it shouldn't. It's sad that this has all happened on his birthday and just after Christmas as well: I'm just thinking of the emotional and psychological pain that this is likely to cause for your DS and his partner in the long-term if there isn't an effort to remedy the situation.

I agree with your advice.

But 'coming out' as trans is quite different from 'coming out' as gay. It is frustrating when the two are equated like this.

Coming out as gay to parents essentially means only asking for their acceptance.

'Coming out' as trans to family members essentially means also asking for them to pretend or act as if they now have a daughter/son instead of a son/daughter, and to understand that this daughter/son doesn't like their body and may undergo medical treatment with risks and side effects.

If you don't side with your son, very clearly and loudly, you will lose your son forever. Your son hasn't done anything wrong. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, but he sounds like he can do no wrong, it's everyone else's fault and he won't handle anyone disagreeing with him.
Son comes first.