Asked to leave over DH comments

[Reallyti]

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

Your husband is disgusting, but if you sat by and did nothing whilst whilst he went on this tirade (apologies if this is not the case, but nothing in your post gives that impression) you just come across as someone who silently enables him. I’m not surprised the bf asked you both to leave.

Your son has chosen his partner over your husband. Good. Good on him

You’ve said lots about what your husband said, but little to nothing as to what you said.
What was your contribution to the discussions?
Did you support your son?
Did you tell him how proud of him you are and thank him for telling you, and tell him how him being happy is the most important thing to you?
Did you make it clear to them both during the incident that you don’t agree with what your husband said?
I really hope I’m wrong, but from your account of things, and the omission of the above, I’m getting the horrible impression that you didn’t speak up in support of your son.

Possibly. I also don’t live in the UK anymore and my young adult kids only hang out with people who are a bit alternative anyways plus I have always worked in the creative industries. It was perhaps wishful thinking that the likes of op’s h are a rare breed. Should be extinct but I guess we have some ways to go still.

Perhaps but he may yet come round.
I wouldn't close that door.

My own father was brought up to be homophobic like most men of his generation. It's not just an individual thing. Until very recently, it was also against the law which reflected societal views of the day.

A lot of men struggle with this - more so than women is my sense.
A lot depends on his upbringing, religious values, etc.
Most religions are pretty homophobic and they have tended to spread that belief around the world.

Your husband is an utterly shit father. This is a shocking way to treat his son. Does he think it’s 1900??? Your son does not require his consent to live his life.

Id be so so so angry with him. I hope you can find a way to really support your son. This must be very very hard for him and I wouldn’t be surprised if he cuts his dad off tbh.

Spot on. If ever there was a moment where there should be NO quandary or dilemma, surely this is it.

Your son needs you, your DH sounds like an arse.

Your husband sounds awful, you side with your son and hope that he comes round.

Gay was the insult of choice at our sons UK primary school, to the point that it was even being used in reception, its such a common insult consquences, positive modelling etc didn’t reduce its use in his school.

DH is being nasty and bigoted with arrogance and I'd say a habit of bullying combined with bulldozing
He doesn't get to bully your child and thank God he was told to go
What you now have to do is keep a channel of communication open between yourself and son
Apologise for what happened stating that you completely disagreed with what got said and that you'd love to still keep in touch?
Like the way your worse half blamed 'the foreigner,' who has a lot to lose in this scenario but is willing to risk it nevertheless
As he was there at your sons lowest ebb and is still there now; Good on them is what I say
I'm so upset for you a lovely lady stuck with someone who constantly belittles and derides to make himself 'big'
Real men eh? What would we do without them??

OP are you aware that your husband is abusive? That his behaviour is emotionally abusive and he uses shaming and bullying tactics. I’m assuming he does the same, if not worse to you otherwise you wouldn’t tolerate it for your son and you certainly wouldn’t expect your son to continue to have you both in his life. Anyone who tries to claim this is exaggerating is deliberately ignoring the fact that being actively racist and homophonic IS abusive. Holding a belief and speaking on it are separate things; only one is a hate crime.

Please consider contacting a domestic abuse charity, such as Gingerbread and, if it’s safe to do so, making steps to leave your relationship. Otherwise, unfortunately, you are choosing to leave your relationship with your son because he has found freedom and he won’t be coming back to a relationship with you both where he is belittled, mocked and emotionally abused.

Your husband is a nasty bully. Shame on you both for not looking after your son properly. How dare your husband judge him when it sounds like he’s more switched on that the two of you combined.

Some children luck out in life, others really don’t. How sad that your husband continues to bully him and you stand there like a lemon not knowing what to do.

Is your husband a bully to you too? The only thing I can imagine is you’re scared to stand up for your son?

Holy hell, your husband is horrible! Your son is lucky to have a partner who cares about him so much.

Your DH sounds like a prick

You should’ve removed your DH earlier. You should’ve told your DH he was behaving in an unacceptable manner. You need to learn how to be an ally to your son’s BF and hiw to stand-up for your son so he knows you have his back.
everyone is letting your DH control everything except the BF.
take a good hard look at your family dynamics. It seems you don’t want to get involved and do the right thing, and you’re scared of your husband. Is he abusive?

Point of order. Decriminalising homosexuality can hardly be deemed ‘recent’, surely.
Also, we may be brought up to be X, Y, or even Z, but we aren’t fated to remain that way when we have modern education and multifarious liberal media within constant reach.
So even if a man were indeed the son of a racist homophobe, that man matures with the same credo only by choice.

If it were me and my son I’d leave the hotel turn up at the door and show my son I was on his side, tell him I loved him and that I do not condone what his father said.

Tell your husband to get over it and apologise.

It’s heartbreaking to think of your son taking the chance to open up to you and his father, inviting you into his home and his safe space, and the optimism he might’ve had that things would go smoothly and you’d both be happy for him. Only to be proven so wrong.

Exactly this. The poor man was probably so nervous about it (rightly!) and was made to cry on his birthday. Poor thing. Vile husband.

First reply nailed it.

Why are you silent/passive in your retelling? What did you say when DS was upset and when his BF asked you to leave? Are you on eggshells around your DH?

It sounds like your husband has been bullying your son with his "little comments" for years , have you ever pulled him.up on it ? You need to support your son and tell your H what a wanker he has been in no uncertain terms. You are going to lose your son otherwise and no one could blame him.

I’d have lost any respect and attraction to my husband years ago if he behaved like yours has.

I don’t know how you can have sat by and let this happen

I have a friend whose dad treated him like this. Surprise, his dad turned out to be a closet gay, hence the vehement rejection as it was something he couldn't accept in himself.

Whatever your DH's reasons for behaving so atrociously, as PPs have said you need to make amends ASAP with your son and his partner.