Asked to leave over DH comments

[Reallyti]

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

I don’t believe that the reason you’re not going to see your son alone is because you’re afraid of upsetting him; you’re afraid of upsetting your DH.

If you don’t stand up to your DH you will lose your son permanently.

Unbelievable. My sons will always come first. Always. My dh, their dad knows this.

How could you have let this man bully your ds his whole life? And this was the nail in the coffin. You just walked out with your partner. I would have been livid and told him to get the fuck out and stayed with ds. But then again, I wouldn't have let anyone bully my sons either. You sound so passive and submissive to this man. I don't get that. When you touch my children I become the Hulk.

My marriage would be over at this point. Immediately

Is DS your DH son? His behaviour is shocking and wrong on every level.

I would be making plans to leave him. Write a letter to your son and apologise for the upset that has been caused. Make it clear that you don’t share your DH views and that you would love to meet DS with his DP and get to know him whenever they are ready. 💐

You knew your son was gay so it wasn't a surprise to you. Were you not able to tell your husband to stop? If not why not?
What is your relationship like with your husband? Can you live with a man who can't accept his son or his son's loving partner?

Your husband sounds embarrassing, crass, and mean. He had no call to bully your son and his partner like that.
if you want to keep your son in your life, maybe go talk to him without your husband.

To be honest I think you’ve either already lost your son or you’re well on the way. You are going to be waiting a long time for a reply after that shameful performance. Just go! Before you lose him forever.

I was going to write, cunt. But luckily Alpaca’s post put it more delicately for me.
You know what to start thinking about doing.
Happy new year and good luck to you x

Your husband has behaved badly here. I wouldn’t be surprised if your son decided to go no contact. You could send regular cards to your son reminding him that you love him and that you’re sorry about his dads bad attitude. Send a gift to them both to acknowledge their relationship. Eventually he’ll start calling you.

If I was in your son's position, OP, I would probably do the same in terms of not responding to any attempts to reach out - he is undoubtedly hurting. Maybe that will ease off in time (hopefully, for your sake) but I keep coming back to how upsetting this must have been for him and his boyfriend and the fact it happened on his birthday / at Christmas time. If it were me, it would take a very long time to heal from this, if at all.

I’m stunned at a mother being so passive and not fighting for her child. She must either be afraid of her husband or so controlled by him that she won’t even fight for her child. No wonder he moved so far away. Have you ever actually questioned why he suffered so much with his mental health and didn’t want to be alive?

Yes, a lot of men, especially older men, don’t like the idea of their sons being gay And it happens everywhere - most men just keep quiet though.

But regardless of whether OP wants to break up her marriage, there is absolutely nothing stopping her supporting her DS and his BF.

Thats what I would do - her marriage is a separate issue.

For the sake of some balance it’s unlikely a man who bullies his own child is not using this behaviour inside his marriage as well to exert control and OP has given quite a clear example of coercive control being used against her when she threatened to leave her husband. He accused her of trying to split the family up and used guilt as a weapon - coercive control. She’s every bit as likely to be a victim of this man as her son is in a different way but this should be a loud enough wake up call for her that this dynamic of bullying and control is not normal. Thankfully the son seems to have his head screwed on well enough to get as far away as possible from such a damaging family dynamic. Sounds like you have a choice to make OP. A coercive, controlling and abusive bully, or your son who may just be able to forgive you if you get away from your husband after this absolute shitshow. Make your actions speak louder than words and show him you are not putting up with your husband’s behaviour anymore, Hopefully you will read these replies and realise just how dysfunctional your marriage really is and find the courage to stop being a doormat. Your son 100% deserves better and in a way you do too but I have a feeling I already know who you are going to choose.

You appear to be assuming the BF is a different race? OP has only said he's Muslim and that's not a race it's a religion.

Oh how awful.
If anyone spoke to my gay DS like that I'd probably react with violence.
Find your courage and leave the bastard.

It sounds like your DS has a good man in his life who will stand up to your bully husband to defend your DS.
It says a lot that your DS had mental health issues and had a secret life away from his parents that he couldn't share until backed in to a corner. Had your DH always been a nasty bully towards your son?
If I was you, I'd be apologising to my son and trying to build a relationship with him away from DH. If you insist on DH being involved then I can see you being completely cut out of your sons life.

Please go now and see your son and partner op before it's too late

Your sons partner sounds like he is loving and supportive.
Them allowing you in their space was quite a big step for them, and your husband made it clear why your son couldn't come out.

If you think they'll he home, maybe go back.
Tell them, yes Dad is a massive, regressive prick but he doesn't speak for you. You've assumed he was gay for some time, and it hasn't changed your view of him, and you've assumed that his partner was more than a friend for some time, and you love him for being someone who brings your son love and comfort- and you look forward to loving so much more about him as you get to know him.
And hopefully they'll welcome you staying with them a little while, if not then go find something else to do. Don't spend the day with the dick you're married to.

Let’s be realistic though, it’s far more likely that he is from a different race.

I am struggling to comprehend how - in the eight years your son has been in this relationship- you have never given him an opportunity to talk about it with you. You clearly had a very strong inkling and could have given reassurance YEARS ago - if you are truly comfortable he is gay and not of your DH’s mindset.
You need to go and see your son face to face ( without your husband) and see if you can salvage anything. You will look like you’ve chosen DH over DS unless you act quickly.

I would never forgive my husband and I would start immediate divorce proceedings. Your husband has bullied your son his whole life. He is a cheap, nasty little bully and this would be the final straw.

Leave the hotel, go and see your son. Tell them both you love and accept them, and you do not and never have agreed with his father’s position.

You should have left this awful man years ago, how has it come to
this?

My mother is like your DH times 100 and we no longer have a relationship and I have cut contact fully.
It's horrible and unnecessary to have to endure unfair criticism like that.