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Original poster

Asked to leave over DH comments

533 replies

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

OP posts:
Millytante · 29/12/2025 00:47

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 22:06

You've let your son down big time. Don't be surprised if he never wants to see you or your husband again

I am sorry for you because your husband caused this - but you need to pick a side and that is that

Show quote history

Surely by dithering at all, she has chosen a side.

fretaway · 29/12/2025 00:48

Didn’t want to just read and not comment OP. Your DH sounds to be an absolutely awful person. All of his actions and words appear to point towards how he feels and how disappointed he is in his son. Pushing for 100%, the lack of empathy after the suicide attempt, not approving of his son’s relationship. Not even considering your ds’s happiness, it’s all about HIM.
Make sure your son knows that you love him no matter what and do not make any excuses for dh and you do not share his opinions at all. Your ds is in a loving relationship and is happy, contrary to what your dh thinks sounds like they had a lovely time celebrating Christmas just by themselves and without the judgement.
I know it might not be so easy to just leave your dh but to be honest if he carries on like this you need to question if you can carry on living with him.

BauhausOfEliott · 29/12/2025 00:56

So basically your husband is a racist, homophobic prick who treats his own son like dirt. Why on earth would you want to stay with him? He’s vile.

ThatGapBetweenXmasAndNewYear · 29/12/2025 01:10

Your H is an absolute tosser OP. I'm surprised they put up with you as long as they did. I'm sure your DS knew exactly how his dad would react if he told him he was gay, which is how come he hasn't, until he was forced to. You need to visit him alone from now on and apologise for standing by and not sticking up for him when his dad was being a tosser both to him and to his DP. You're going to have no relationship with DS at all otherwise.

I wouldn't expect DS to want to stay in touch with his dad, or if he does stay in touch it'll probably be low-contact and he won't want to spend special occasions with him. So I'd speak to him and ask honestly if he wants to come for Christmas or birthday etc and if not, accept that. I've got a difficult parent and special occasions are out of bounds to them. There's plenty of other weeks in the year for family visits, I don't want special occasions ruined by an awkward atmosphere, never mind a full-on row.

Elopeme · 29/12/2025 01:15

Heartbreaking2000 · 28/12/2025 22:34

Without hesitation you get in a taxi and go and hug your son

This! Why aren’t you with your son right now?! A measly text message… Fight for him. He might never invite you to his house again.

fatphalange · 29/12/2025 01:18

Your dh is a cunt who loves tormenting your son and treated his bf appallingly. You really need to step up if you don’t want your poor ds to think you’re complicit.

Goldwren1923 · 29/12/2025 01:20

Why haven’t you stopped your asshole DH there and then and told him to shut his mouth???

GarlicRound · 29/12/2025 01:26

DH was going on and on even when ds was crying. He was still going on when he was packing his things

This is a disgusting way to behave - to anyone you've already reduced to tears, let alone your vulnerable son. What an absolute bastard.

The young men offered an olive branch. He ripped it up and shoved it down his son's throat. DS must've been devastated. I don't think DS will want to lose both of you, but you may end up forcing him to by bleating at your husband instead of firmly distancing yourself from him.

Your call. You have to make a choice. For the avoidance of doubt, it's not DS or his boyfriend imposing this choice; it's your husband. That in itself is despicable. He must feel very sure you will put up with his shit, even when it means losing a son. Will you?

ThatGapBetweenXmasAndNewYear · 29/12/2025 01:42

JFDIYOLO · 29/12/2025 00:36

He didnt 'admit' he is gay.

He told you he is gay.

Words matter, because they reflect and sometimes betray the mindsets and character that lie beneath.

Also you appear to have chosen an arsehole over your own child.

Just look at yourself.

Edited

This.

OP you told him you loved him "no matter what". That's what you say to a criminal or an addict. Someone who has done something wrong. No wonder he pushed you away. And telling your H "that's enough"...WTH?! That's what you say when someone deserves a telling off but it's going too far. Your DS has done absolutely nothing wrong. You, on the other hand, have enabled your Hs abuse of him. Your DS needed to see you step in and stick up for him against his dad. Instead you stood by and stayed silent while it happened, from the moment you both arrived. That's appalling.

You've messaged him and he hasn't replied. You need to back off now and let DS come to you, if he chooses to. And if he does, you need to apologise properly for your behaviour and accept whatever limitations on contact DS applies without trying to guilt trip him with your own upset. It might be you can't go back to how things were before.

You "don't want to lose him", ok, but it sounds like it's years too late for that and this was the last straw. It's already happened, you'll have to wait and see if he has any interest in being in touch.

As someone with a difficult parent I'll say this: don't be messaging all the time, don't be sending birthday cards that are more gushing than usual etc because it's fake and all about you and how you feel - and he'll know it. If you really cared, you wouldn't have stood by while this happened. The messages, letters, cards etc when he wants space won't necessarily feel like a nice gesture to show love and that you're thinking of him. They might feel like pressure, like you making it all about you and what you want, a further overstepping of his boundaries. He wants space, respect that and don't try to encroach on his space until he's ready.

This isn't about you. You need to manage your own feelings, in some way that doesn't involve your DS fixing the situation for you by getting back in touch and reassuring you that he still wants you in his life.

HappyNYx · 29/12/2025 01:45

You go to your sons house and hug him. You also tell your son you are leaving your husband due to his behaviour.

silverwrath · 29/12/2025 01:58

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 22:33

DH drinking isn't a problem, he only drinks a couple of times a month, if that. I did try and make him see he was wrong but he doesn't see it that way he's put all of the blame on the bf even though he wasn't there for most of it. He says he wouldn't have an issue if ds was dating a man but not “that man” (his words).

I did tell ds I loved him no matter what and I just wanted him to be happy and I did try to hug him but he pushed me away. The whole time DH was saying that he must be ashamed of the bf as he doesn't introduce him as that. DS tried to say that he wasn't ashamed and he doesn't care that most people definitely know, he just enjoys it being just them but if anyone asked he wouldn't lie and he’d say yes. But DH was going on and on even when ds was crying. I did tell him that was enough but he wouldn't listen. He was still going on when he was packing his things. I don't think DS intended for things to go that way or that he was even going to come out there and then

I haven't gone over because he's not replied to my messages and I don't want to upset him further but I don't want to lose him either. Today was supposed to be a lovely day even if he wasn't up to the original plans, it was the first time spending his birthday with all of us as he's usually at home with just us. Another hotel room is a good suggestion but I already paid for this one so it will be £££

You've got issues. And they're not your son. Frankly I'm not surprised he's not responding to your messages.

You should be very grateful that he has this caring man in his life.

Your husband is emotionally abusive. He needs to stay as far away from your son as possible. I mean that. Keep him away from him. That's the very least you can do.

Frankly I don't know how you can rebuild your relationship. Maybe when you aren't part of a package deal. And your son can see you without the abusive arsehole you're married to.

Bones101 · 29/12/2025 02:17

Side with your son and go and see him.

Maybe ask yourself why you're married to a racist homophobe.

Your poor son he must be so scared of his father.

AgentBalls · 29/12/2025 02:34

I haven't gone over because he's not replied to my messages and I don't want to upset him further but I don't want to lose him either.

He’s not replying to your messages because you didn’t defend him. You didn’t reprimand your vile husband.

You should have challenged your husbands comments infront of your son. Your child and their wellbeing comes first, always.

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/12/2025 04:28

It's quite clear that the problem is your 'D'H, his attitudes and behaviour are the reason your DS hasn't come out to you, hasn't been open about his boyfriend, didn't turn to you for help in the past.

If you don't make a significant change, you are going to lose him.

I really don't see your husband having a sudden change of heart, attitude or mind and admitting he's being an arsehole to his own child, apologising wholeheartedly and making amends. Id be planning a divorce if I were you.

Muffinmam · 29/12/2025 05:37

I think it’s lovely your son is in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who cares for him.

This person allowed you to be a guest in his home and your husband’s behaviour was absolutely disgusting.

You need to tell your son that his father is an utter twat and that you absolutely understand why your husband was told to leave but that you hope that you can get to know his partner in future - if he’s ready for that.

You can text this so he can take his time reading this. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you understand he may wish to be discreet with his relationship and you respect his wishes but his relationship status has no bearing on your love for him.

ASimpleLampoon · 29/12/2025 05:41

I am happy for your son he has a partner who treats him well. That is something clearly lacking in his own family.

Time for you to step up and support your son. Your DH is used to saying whatever he wants and gets away with it.

Is it unsafe to call him out? Is it only his son he abuses or you too. Consider calling Women's Aid if that is the case.l and leave safely, for your own good as well as your relationship with your son.

Comtesse · 29/12/2025 07:04

Dreadful behaviour from your DH. Unforgivable really.

Comtesse · 29/12/2025 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It’s not the 1980s any more, catch up. Personally I feel sorry for the son having to put up with such a judgemental, moronic father.

LakieLady · 29/12/2025 07:13

RandomUserName96 · 28/12/2025 23:05

At best, your H is a bigot, a bully and a homophobe. At worst, hes a racist too

You side with your son, no matter what that means for the husband

This.

It would be the end of the marriage for me, I couldn't stay with someone like that. And I'd be asking myself how the hell I managed to marry someone with such vile views in the first place.

themerchentofvenus · 29/12/2025 07:16

@Reallyti you go over to see your son and leave your DH in the hotel!!

Your poor son. He is lucky to have such a supportive family.

Your DH is a dick.

I'm absolutely amazed you stuck by your DH and not your own son.

WarmGreyHare · 29/12/2025 07:24

You apologise to your son for suspecting he is gay and not mentioning it like it was some kind of dirty secret. You've have years to subtly drop some kind of ' and if course I'll love you and WHOEVER you choose to date' into the conversation.'
And you tell him now that you are happy for him and want to be in his life but won't force him to see your homophobic dick of a husband again.

IkeaJesusChrist · 29/12/2025 07:37

Why are you married to such a prick?

mumof5five · 29/12/2025 07:39

I sense a bit of racism from your H.

NoisyViewer · 29/12/2025 07:41

Go by yourself to your son & explain yourself not the H but you. Tell him you love him & wish to remain in contact.

ForCraftyWriter · 29/12/2025 07:41

@Reallyti I can’t quite believe that you don’t know what to do here. You absolutely can’t leave without resolving therefore you have no choice but to visit him (alone). Do not tell dh in case he tries to stop you or come too.