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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to leave over DH comments

533 replies

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

OP posts:
mswales · 28/12/2025 22:48

Before the sexuality issue ever came up what the dad had done was already unforgivable. His son attempted suicide and his dad's reaction was to get angry at him for dropping out of uni??? Wtf.

And calling him dramatic when the poor guy is throwing up with a migraine. He sounds like a really nasty sexist authoritarian bullying father, before you even get to the homophobia and islamophobia.

Has he ever shown any love and care and pride to his son?

Nextweektoo · 28/12/2025 22:48

This doesn't read like you challenged your DH about his behaviour and this might be why your son is also upset with you.

justasking111 · 28/12/2025 22:49

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 28/12/2025 22:39

You’ve let this horrible horrible man berate, insult and tear down your son for what sounds like years. Stop justifying your behaviour, get off your arse and go to your child.

Your husband is a piece of shit, but you’re not blameless. You’re a terrible mother.

Show quote history

I do wonder if mother has been passive about her husband's awful behaviour all the sons life.

I've had to shut my husband down hard on the odd occasion. But nothing like this.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 28/12/2025 22:50

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 28/12/2025 22:39

You’ve let this horrible horrible man berate, insult and tear down your son for what sounds like years. Stop justifying your behaviour, get off your arse and go to your child.

Your husband is a piece of shit, but you’re not blameless. You’re a terrible mother.

Show quote history

Why is she a terrible mother? Don’t be so nasty when she’s had a shock and dealing with it as best she can. She didn’t know her husband was going to go full on dick mode! He won’t answer her messages but she’s saying she supports him. No need for you nasty reply at all!

Willowywisp · 28/12/2025 22:51

Your husband is a bully and a homophobe. I would write your son a supportive and apologetic message if I were you. How awful for him and his boyfriend.

Sharptonguedwoman · 28/12/2025 22:52

Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 19:57

You side with your son.

Nailed it. I'd think hard about your DH. He doesn't seem a good man.

Tinsles · 28/12/2025 22:53

Your poor son was driven to tears by your bullying arsehole of a husband?
If your son has an ounce of sense he will block you both.
You need to end your marriage and divorce your abusive husband if you have any hope of having a relationship with your son going forward.

Sweetnessandbite · 28/12/2025 22:53

Please get a taxi to your son. As other PP suggested, buy a card and write everything incase they won't answer and apologise to him and his bf. Tell him you will no longer tolerate any negativity from your H and that you are sorry you didn't stand up to him sooner. Please go hug them and apologise. Thank the bf and apologise and hug them again.

I cannot believe your H bas gone out drinking and you are just sat in the hotel room wondering what to do. Has he got friends there or just drinking alone? Are you planning on staying with him? Please put your son first and take action.

Once you have seen your son and apologised, hugged, told him.how much you love him etc, can you get home and leave your H drinking. He needs to realise the devastating effects of his actions and see clearly that you are with your son and his bf.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 22:53

scotianova · 28/12/2025 22:46

I agree with your advice.

But 'coming out' as trans is quite different from 'coming out' as gay. It is frustrating when the two are equated like this.

Coming out as gay to parents essentially means only asking for their acceptance.

'Coming out' as trans to family members essentially means also asking for them to pretend or act as if they now have a daughter/son instead of a son/daughter, and to understand that this daughter/son doesn't like their body and may undergo medical treatment with risks and side effects.

Show quote history

I wouldn't conflate this particularly as the poster was trying to be supportive

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/12/2025 22:54

BookArt55 · 28/12/2025 22:46

If you don't side with your son, very clearly and loudly, you will lose your son forever. Your son hasn't done anything wrong. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, but he sounds like he can do no wrong, it's everyone else's fault and he won't handle anyone disagreeing with him.
Son comes first.

Absolutely.

Sassylovesbooks · 28/12/2025 22:54

Your husband has nit-picked, criticised and bullied your son throughout his teen years (if not before), causing him to have poor MH. The MH issues increased during university to the point that he tried to end his life. All your husband is concerned about is the fact your son had to drop out of university!!! WTAF???

Your son has clearly struggled with his sexuality, probably knowing what kind of reaction his Dad would have, if he told you both. You may not have been the person bullying your son, but you haven't done anything much to stop it either. You have stood passively by, and not stood up for your son. I would think your son feels massively let down. Your son has a person in his life, in his partner, who has his back, who supports him and clearly loves him.

Your husband has shown you that he's a racist, homophobic, nasty bully - nothing your son does will ever be right or good enough for your husband. Your husband will always find fault, always criticise and always bully his son. Your son most likely has a fragile self-esteem and self-confidence because your husband has eroded it away, making him feel worthless and unlovable.

What you do now will determine if you have a relationship with your son going forward. You need to step up, and stand up for your son, and that means standing up to your husband. You need to leave him, his nephew's aren't your problem, your son is more important. I hope your son decides to give you a chance, but I equally hope he cuts contact with your husband.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 22:54

Sweetnessandbite · 28/12/2025 22:53

Please get a taxi to your son. As other PP suggested, buy a card and write everything incase they won't answer and apologise to him and his bf. Tell him you will no longer tolerate any negativity from your H and that you are sorry you didn't stand up to him sooner. Please go hug them and apologise. Thank the bf and apologise and hug them again.

I cannot believe your H bas gone out drinking and you are just sat in the hotel room wondering what to do. Has he got friends there or just drinking alone? Are you planning on staying with him? Please put your son first and take action.

Once you have seen your son and apologised, hugged, told him.how much you love him etc, can you get home and leave your H drinking. He needs to realise the devastating effects of his actions and see clearly that you are with your son and his bf.

What is she supposed to do. The husband is the issue

Evergreen21 · 28/12/2025 22:55

Your dh is racist. You've said he isn't homophobic and perhaps he isn't but racist he very much is.

It's such a tough situation to be in between two people that you clearly love. My own children are young so I don't know how I would act if this was my reality. However my first instinct is that I would side with my child each and every time.

You've messaged your son and I would likely leave a voice message telling him that you love and accept him and always will and hope he will reach out to you in time. I wouldn't apologise for how his dad behaved because you aren't responsible for his actions.

Towards your dh I would likely go apeshit. His actions could push your son away which is awful but considering he tried to commit suicide previously I would be even more concerned.

scotianova · 28/12/2025 22:55

@Reallyti I understand you don't want to upset your son further by going over there, but given you are likely going home tomorrow and live so far away, and since it's your son's birthday, I really would risk it. Even now at this time. You need to make a stand that shows you literally stand separately from your husband and don't agree with his actions. You going over there was first suggested by a PP over 2 hours ago, and I wish you'd just gone straight over.

You're being too passive. If you want things to change, you have to act and speak out.

MrsofClaus · 28/12/2025 22:55

BookArt55 · 28/12/2025 22:46

If you don't side with your son, very clearly and loudly, you will lose your son forever. Your son hasn't done anything wrong. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, but he sounds like he can do no wrong, it's everyone else's fault and he won't handle anyone disagreeing with him.
Son comes first.

100% this.

Your poor poor ds. And what a retched h you have.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 28/12/2025 22:57

whatcanthematterbe81 · 28/12/2025 22:50

Why is she a terrible mother? Don’t be so nasty when she’s had a shock and dealing with it as best she can. She didn’t know her husband was going to go full on dick mode! He won’t answer her messages but she’s saying she supports him. No need for you nasty reply at all!

Show quote history

Talk is cheap. In what way has she supported him? When? Did we read the same post? This isn’t a one off thing. The only ‘shock’ is from her son finally standing up for himself.

If it’s not abundantly clear to you why she’s a terrible mother, I honestly have nothing further to say to you.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 22:57

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

The bf should not have thrown you out in my view. Your husband is the issue here

MissDoubleU · 28/12/2025 22:57

The problem isn’t the drinking because the problem is that your DH is a vile and cruel man. The reason the relationship with his DS is so bad is because he is vile and cruel. He doesn’t try to have a good relationship, and clearly doesn’t want a good relationship. He would rather be - say it with me now - vile and cruel to your DS than simply shut the fuck up and smile for one day.

Franjipanl8r · 28/12/2025 22:59

Your DH sounds like an ignorant bully. Your poor poor son. Don’t be the passive bystander, open your eyes and support your child.

whynotwhatknot · 28/12/2025 22:59

you need to leave your dh i dont know what the arrangements are with newphews but you cant lose your son

hes a bigoted racist cunt-your son doesnt need his shit

Beesandhoney123 · 28/12/2025 22:59

Your dh wouldn't like any man your ds loves.
You are making excuses for him. Just stop it. How many friends have you lost across the years because of your dh?

Age has nothing to do with this, you don't put up with this at work, and have hr say oh, x is older, so we all have to put up with his racist homphobic and usually misogynistic comments'

My parents would be really fucking offended if you told them you expected them to be narrow minded fuckwits about same sex relationships and be racist because they are old.

Namechangerage · 28/12/2025 23:00

Will you be divorcing him OP?

SapphOhNo · 28/12/2025 23:00

Your DH is a hateful awful man.

You're not much better.

Your poor son.

Namechangerage · 28/12/2025 23:00

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 22:57

The bf should not have thrown you out in my view. Your husband is the issue here

Show quote history

If she didn’t loudly call out her husband and help them chuck him out, then she was complicit. Asking them both to leave was fair.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:00

Namechangerage · 28/12/2025 23:00

Will you be divorcing him OP?

Leave her alone for a bit eh. She posted on here for support. She isn't the issue once more