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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asked to leave over DH comments

533 replies

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 19:57

You side with your son.

Eenameenadeeka · 28/12/2025 19:58

Wow, I don't know how your H can treat his own son this way. I agree with the first post, side with your son. What did you say when H made these comments? I would have asked him to stop every time. Good on the partner, for asking him to go.

Itsallinyourhead2022 · 28/12/2025 19:59

As the pp said you side with your son

flumpsfortea · 28/12/2025 19:59

Your dh is at fault completely. He was rude and obnoxious. If he doesn’t sort himself out he will risk his relationship with his son and possibly yours too. He clearly has homophobic/racist views because from what you’ve written the bf seems like he genuinely cares about your ds and was a good host. His family life is none of your dh business.

Honestly I’d be furious and telling him to apologise. If he doesn’t then I don’t really know where you go from there. It’s his son at the end of the day and if he’s going to allow his own bigoted views to spoil their relationship it’s on him. Please do make sure your son knows you don’t share your dh views and will support him always.

Boudy · 28/12/2025 19:59

Your dh sounds really really unreasonable over the years. I hope your son is finding his voice now.

Boudy · 28/12/2025 20:02

And agree with others. Explain to your ds you don't agree with your husband's views and that you support your son.

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 28/12/2025 20:02

You support your son and you tell DH what an absolutely cock end he is, and make it clear his behaviour is intolerable, reprehensible and you won't accept it.

blankcanvas3 · 28/12/2025 20:02

Side with your son. Your DH sounds like an arsehole

BlazesBoylansHat · 28/12/2025 20:02

100% support your son here. No question. Your dh is a bullying idiot & that's me being polite

NewYearNewMee · 28/12/2025 20:02

You will lose your son if you don’t make it very clear than your views are not the same as your DHs. If you stay with DH be prepared you may lose him anyway.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 28/12/2025 20:03

You support your son.

Your son's partner has obviously been a great source of support to him, and they are in a loving relationship. Your husband sounds racist and possibly homophobic.

CheeseWisely · 28/12/2025 20:03

Well your DH sounds like a homophobic bigot all round, so you side with your Son. Surely that’s fairly obvious?

Boudy · 28/12/2025 20:03

How have you dealt with your husband's comments to ds over the years?

Missmargo · 28/12/2025 20:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Scarydinosaurs · 28/12/2025 20:03

You don’t have to sit and passively watch this play out.

You tell your son you love him, you’re proud of him, and happy he has picked such a great man to be his partner.

Your husband sounds awful. Do you want to be with him? How much easier would your life be without him?

Silverstarfish1 · 28/12/2025 20:04

If you want to still have a relationship with your son I suggest you hot foot it over there on your own and tell him that you love him and accept him and his choices. Your husband is entitled to his opinions but does not get to tell him how to live his life. Life is hard enough for him without having to deal with judgement from the ones that are supposed to love him unconditionally

EmbroideredGardener · 28/12/2025 20:05

I would visit ds on his own and spend time holding him and letting him know that you love and accept him as he is (assuming you do). Then you go back and tell your dh how unreasonable he is. This would be enough for me to seriously reconsider my marriage, if he is willing to ostracise one of my children over something they cannot choose nor change

Alpacajigsaw · 28/12/2025 20:05

Your husband is a fucking prick

Clementine12 · 28/12/2025 20:06

You go to your DS. You tell him how sorry you are that he had such a hard time coming to terms with being gay and you wish you could have been there to support him. You tell him you disagree with DH and do not approve of his comments. Then ask what he needs from you. I would have thought all of that was standard parenting to be honest.

researchers3 · 28/12/2025 20:07

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

Your 'D'H is an absolute cunt - I never use that word. I'd honestly leave him. What a vile, bullying, prejudiced, ignorant wanker.

Your poor son and his partner.

Sweetnessandbite · 28/12/2025 20:08

OP, please go round to your son and his bf's tonight. Buy some stuff for migraines and sickness etc maybe some other treats and something you knkw the bf likes. Apologise to both of them and make it clear you do not agree with your H's actions, comments or views. Thank you sons bf for being there for his when his Dad clearly hasn't been. Hug them both and make it clear that you are with them and happy for them and will be speaking to your H.

HipHopDontYouStop · 28/12/2025 20:08

Horrible h you have.

Livelovelaughfuckoff · 28/12/2025 20:10

Your DH’s behaviour was unforgivable and to be honest if you sat there and didn’t say anything then I think there’s a good chance you have blown your relationship with your DS. I wouldn’t be able to be in the same room as your DH right now.

Mauro711 · 28/12/2025 20:12

Wow, you h is horrendous. You need to firmly take your son’s side here. Your h’s views are most likely the reason your son tried to end his life. Be proud of him for having the guts to come out to his bigoted waste of space dad. He needs your support now. Your h needs to crawl back to the rock you found him under.

Sweetnessandbite · 28/12/2025 20:12

Also please remind your H that his bf saved his son's life when he attempted suicide.

I wouldn't allow my H near them again either until he has thought this through and realised what an absolute embarrassment he has been. Zero tolerance on any comments moving forward.

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