Asked to leave over DH comments

[Reallyti]

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

So your husband is both racist and homophobic.

Are you ok with that?

Husband is completely awful for just one of the things he did in the story let alone dozens of them all added together. Horrible

This. And you let your ds know how furious you are with his dad.

She should not apologize for her husband’s behavior. She should make a clear statement that she disagrees with his behavior. It’s a slight difference, but it matters.

I have a very similar situation. DC's partner is Filipino, the family are all doctors and migrated here around ten years ago. They have no idea, would never approve and seem very strict.
When DC told me they never came out as such, simply stating, " and I have been together for x months and I know I'll always have your's and dad's support."
If DH said anything like yours does, he'd find himself out in the cold. There is no difference between them and our other two DC's relationships.
Your poor DS needs your support, but I also know I couldn't live with DH if he treated our DC like yours does.

Please tell me you aren't considering staying with your "d"h after his horrific emotional abuse of your son and racist and homophobic bullying of his partner? You get that this is probably what drove your son to attempt suicide, and is probably what is bringing on his migraines?

You aren't really going to stay with him are you? If you are, you've knowingly failed your son and he is right to cut you off.

Your husband is a pig.

In your shoes I would genuinely not say another word to him as long as I lived except what was required to enable divorce, and I would work on ensuring my relationship with my son was as strong and supportive and loving as it could be.

You read your racist homophobic husband the riot act, go back to your son's apologise profusely and make it very clear you don't share your husband's views. You then need a long hard think about whether you want to be married to a racist homophobe. I wouldn't.

I'm not gay, if relevant, but grew up trapped
with a father similar to your husband and vile in many other ways.
When he died, I felt relief.
You side with your son, would be my advice.

Oh you poor thing. Your DH is a twat obviously. You just tell your son you love him and are happy he’s happy, and you support him. Either your husband comes along on that ride or he doesn’t.

I came out to my parents rather later in life than your DS. They both took it very badly. They said awful things. After a few months, once they met my partner, they realised she was just a normal person and we were happy. All the previous stuff was forgotten. I think they’d still prefer I was with a man (I’m no longer with my earlier partner) but they just want me to be happy. I think if only one of them had come round, I’d have maintained a relationship with that one but not the other. So it’s down to your husband whether he wants a relationship with his gay son. And down to you whether you want to stay, if he doesn’t.

I really feel for your DS and his BF. This would be the end of my marriage if this happened, I couldn't support or love or continue a life with a man who acted like this.

You are now choosing between your DS and your H. Choose carefully.

She should be apologising for not having her son's back in the moment

If your husband doesn't change and you stand by him, you will lose your son. Is he worth it?

It sounds like your son’s mental health struggles and suicide attempt were connected to wanting to be openly gay but being worried about your husband’s reaction. I think it will be very important for you to support your son and acknowledge that your husband’s views are wrong so that your son isn’t pushed into a bad place again. That’s assuming your husband isn’t also abusive to you?

Your husband sounds absolutely vile, I'm amazed that you need to ask what you should do. He's horribly abusive and you stand by ineffectively, I'm so glad your son is away from you both and with someone lovely.

I’m so sorry but it’s time to face up to what you’ve married. If you want any relationship with your son at all you need to go straight over there and apologise many times. Then you need a divorce. This man is not bringing you anything and is taking away everything

What did you actually say to your DS when your DH was being an idiot ? Because if you said nothing then you are just as bad as your husband

Your DH has behaved like a bully - many things he said are completely unacceptable and deeply offensive. Do you really want to spend your life with this man?

No no do not apologise for him, that makes it seem like you’re responsible for him and you’re not

Agree with everyone else. Support your DS. I'm so happy that he has moved past that awful time in his life. Love him, be proud of him. Make sure he knows you are disgusted with DH.

When you are talking to DS don't be tempted to make excuses for DH to try to make DS feel better. It'll only make him feel worse. DH's behaviour is atrocious. I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Put son first.

His partner sounds great. Supportive. And his life so much better. Don't let DH bring him down.

Agreed. He's actually a homophobic and Islamophobic prick.

That is absolutely awful. I think you need to make it clear to both your son and as importantly your husband that his views and behaviour are not acceptable and that you don't agree with them. I suspect you may have to apologise to your son for not saying that earlier. I do sometimes despair of how one person can be that unkind to another especially given they have that history. I am so sad for your son and his partner.

If you sat there passively, first thing you do is to apologise to your son for YOUR behaviour. Then you tell your DH to pack it in. Then you tell your son you’re happy for him and that you want a relationship with him and you’ll support him no matter what. Then you DO that.

So your husband is both a homophobe and racist?

What a catch.

You’re lucky your son turned out (sounds like) lovely.

It's a pretty simple choice you're facing. I would LTB in a heartbeat over this, but you have already stood by for years while your H abused your son. If you don't stand by your son now, you will lose him. Your H is just scum.