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Original poster

Asked to leave over DH comments

533 replies

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 28/12/2025 20:43

You let your son know that you are proud of him and how he is living. You thank his bf for the care he takes of your son. You tell your DH to apologise and take his head out of his arse. You hope that your DS is prepared to continue a relationship with you, despite the fact you let him be abused by his father.

Thunderdcc · 28/12/2025 20:43

It isn't clear from the OP, but if you did just sit there silently during this interrogation by DH you absolutely do owe DS and his bf an apology. If you were trying to stop him then that is better.

It depends how both parties feel. Your DH is obviously a nasty piece of work, is he going to be happy with you maintaining a relationship with DS without him? I assume DS isn't going to want to see him again?

TeenLifeMum · 28/12/2025 20:44

You just passively sat/stood there allowing all of this to happen and did nothing to have your child’s back. Clearly your dh was to blame but your level of complicity cannot be ignored. It may not be repairable. As the mum of a gay daughter I cannot comprehend any of this. Anything other than love and support is a bizarre and damaging reaction.

JackJarvisEsq · 28/12/2025 20:44

You have a DH problem.

Your son, thankfully, does not

mumuseli · 28/12/2025 20:46

Spookyspaghetti · 28/12/2025 20:36

It sounds like your son’s mental health struggles and suicide attempt were connected to wanting to be openly gay but being worried about your husband’s reaction. I think it will be very important for you to support your son and acknowledge that your husband’s views are wrong so that your son isn’t pushed into a bad place again. That’s assuming your husband isn’t also abusive to you?

Yes, so OP I feel it’s important that you contact your son as soon as possible, to tell him that you love and support him and you’re really happy that he’s met someone so nice.

grinchmcgrinchface · 28/12/2025 20:46

You tell your husband to apologise to your son & his boyfriend immediately or you will file for divorce first thing in the morning. Homophobic abusive prick.
As for yourself, why the hell didn’t you put a stop to this immediately? You let your son down.

liverpoolgal82 · 28/12/2025 20:46

Your husband is probably a major factor in why your son has/had mental health problems. I could never be with someone who treats anyone like this let alone their own child. What an obnoxious bully he is. Do you stand up to him? What is it about your husband that you live that would override how he treats your son?

Anyahyacinth · 28/12/2025 20:47

Your son has created a good life, please show him your love OP...don't leave him feeling rejected. I suspect the migraine was the strain of your visit and DH's appalling views.
Wishing your son a beautiful life 🍀

InterestedDad37 · 28/12/2025 20:47

Go see your son, tell him you love him, and will support him whatever.
Tell your husband to pack his bags!

UncannyFanny · 28/12/2025 20:47

You side with your son. Sadly people like your husband are the reason so many people are terrified to come out to their families. Instead they live in emotional turmoil hiding their sexuality like a dirty secret. You won’t change a bigot so it’s pointless trying. Just make sure your son knows this is not coming from you and that you love him no matter what.

ednaclouda · 28/12/2025 20:48

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

Make sure your dh suffers for his words and actions
no meals
no clothes washing
and telling him daily to F off if he wants a conversation

wizzywig · 28/12/2025 20:48

Please go and give your son the biggest hug ever. Your husbands a knob.

frockandcrocs · 28/12/2025 20:48

Your DH is a bigot. Racist and homophobic. Your poor son.

SmoothOperatorCarlosSainz · 28/12/2025 20:50

You have a husband problem! Get rid of him before you end up losing your relationship with your son.

CuriousOtter26 · 28/12/2025 20:50

What did you say/do while all this unfolded?

GrassMarketeer · 28/12/2025 20:51

I would leave DH at the hotel. Go straight back to your son and make it clear that you love and support him and welcome his partner.

You can't answer for DH, nor should you try to. Just right now, knowing one parent loves and supports him will make the world of difference to the way your son is feeling

Everything else can wait.

InLoveWithAI · 28/12/2025 20:51

Are you going to answer as to whether you just sat idly by while your husband was racist and homophobic towards your son and his partner?

SaveYourMoneyAndStopMakingMeCry · 28/12/2025 20:52

EmbroideredGardener · 28/12/2025 20:05

I would visit ds on his own and spend time holding him and letting him know that you love and accept him as he is (assuming you do). Then you go back and tell your dh how unreasonable he is. This would be enough for me to seriously reconsider my marriage, if he is willing to ostracise one of my children over something they cannot choose nor change

This. Your husband is a wanker.

Balloonhearts · 28/12/2025 20:52

I can't believe that you didn't stick up for your son! You should have intervened long before they threw you out and told your DH to shut the fuck up and frankly, I'd be divorcing him at this point. How can you respect someone like this?

FiatLuxAdAstra · 28/12/2025 20:52

Your husband is as homophobic as they come. No wonder your DS didn’t come out in high school and struggled. Your silence is as bad as your husband’s homophobic bullying. By staying silent you are complicit. Silence is agreement.

You need to stand up for your son.

Gonners · 28/12/2025 20:53

Is your (less-than-D) H your son's father?

Poodlelove · 28/12/2025 20:53

I would go to your son and partner and leave your husband in the hotel by himself.
You need to show your support to your son.

NewYearFitQueen · 28/12/2025 20:54

Did you stick up for your son or his partner at the time?

Allisgoodtoday · 28/12/2025 20:54

I am shocked reading this. You stood by while your 'D'H said such terrible homophobic and mocking comments? You even let it get that far? You haven't stood up for, and stood by your own son, and told your 'D'H to leave yourself? You haven't told your 'D'H you no longer wish to be married to such a bigot and a twat, and that your son is a better man than he'll ever be?
My God, the things I read on MN sometimes leave me speechless....

katseyes7 · 28/12/2025 20:54

Well, your son's made a much better choice of partner than it seems you have.
You can always get another husband, OP.
If you lose your son because of this, you've lost him for good.
You're his MOTHER. He's your CHILD, no matter how old he is.
Quite frankly you've allowed this over the years, from what you've said.
Time to put a stop to it now.
Make it very plain that you love and support your son.
And give some serious thought to whether you want to stay married to a dreadful, cold, unfeeling, homophobic bigot.
Go and tell your son you love him. And that you're happy that he has someone who clearly adores and cares about him.
Which is more than his father does. I couldn't live with someone who treated my child like that.

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