AIBU to ask my 24 year old son to leave home?

[Jasmine1970]

After behaving very badly over Christmas I would like to ask my son to leave, he has been staying since September and plans to leave on April for a summer job abroad, he eill
doin turn 25. He dropped out of uni in his 3rd year and worked last summer at a sky jumping centre. He loves sky jumping and white water kayaking,
He was supposed to help me with my business but has done very little and over the last few months I’ve didn’t £1,500 paying a handyman to do jobs he could have done. I pay for his car insurance, petrol and food.
He says he wants a job but dues very little to get one. I had to redo his CV as it was terrible.

I know if I say he can’t love at home he will guilt trip me about it. But I feel that he’s missing out on vital life lessons that he would learn from fending for himself.
He’s quite happy, has a big collection of kayaks, some of which now reside on my kitchen, and he takes them out on trips in his old banger. Has a very sweet girlfriend who also comes round to the house from
time to time.
From time to time I lose my rag when customers phone me with complaints relating to jobs he hasn’t done, but promised to do.
He can be rude to me and act in an entitled way, for example we were in a shop today and he picked up a load of beef jerky that came to £40 and expected me to pay for it, I don’t have spare money for such expensive things,
should o ask him to move out and how should I do this in a kind reasonable way, ?

Stop paying for his car, he can sell the kayaks to pay his keep, and he gets basic food. He needs to work

Of course you tell (don't ask) him to leave, I don't think anyone is going to say otherwise.

"Son, I love you but I can't keep financing your lifestyle. I know we agreed April but I think it's best if you look for somewhere by the end of February."
*Guilt trip guilt trip
"Like I said, the end of February gives you some time after the new year to find somewhere and get yourself sorted."
Repeat repeat repeat.

As it’s only till April, I’d let him stay, but tell him you won’t be covering his expenses anymore. Tell him no to expensive food, and if he’ll help himself to whatever food is in the house, keep it basic.
You could tell him that you will pay him for work he does, after he’s done it, thats if you still want him to work for you.
He can use that money to pay for his car expenses. If he chooses not to do the work, that’s on him. Be clear.

Just explain that your lifestyle and his is no longer compatible and that from a work point of view he is not up to the required standard so you have to sack him. He needs to know if he’s not meeting a work requirement because he will probably think he’s doing well.

I’d be inclined to do as @DelphiniumBlue advises. No more paying directly for his car insurance, petrol, etc., you’ll pay him if he works for your business as he promised and he can use his earnings to finance his car.

He’s young and healthy, he’s perfectly capable of working.

Why are you complaining about something your feeding and allowing, I can't imagine my parents paying for everything at age 25 for me or my siblings that's just nuts we were working from 18 and putting into the pot not taking.

Untangle these threads. Asking him to move out is a confusing way to tackle him not delivering to customers.

I think @DelphiniumBlue has it right. Let him stay. Stop paying for his car and expensive food. Be prepared for him to whine when you say no. Separate work from home and treat him more like an employee (or ex-employee!) on that.

There is an Eleanor Roosevelt quote I don't particularly like: "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I would change that to no one can make you feel guilty without your consent. Don your teflon suit. All he can do is try to make you feel guilty. But moving out at short notice is genuinely tricky and I think it'll be easier and a better lesson for him if you can keep the roof over his head but withdraw the "extras" you are already funding.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! (Not picking on you as I have had a massive row with my own 19 year old and their sense of entitlement)
Jesus wept what is wrong with them that they think this acceptable. Mine left home a normal functioning young adult and seems to have fallen in with a trust fund crowd and has returned home thinking we all owe them the breath they breathe. A side hustle that they have worked happily at from the age of 14 is now beneath them even though that pays for their living. I have lost my shit at the age of 19. No way I will be dealing with this at 25.

I know a lot of kayakers. A disproportionate number are bums. Lovely people but total bums. A lot in community live in vans. They also have an obsession with having multiple boats.

Honestly, with that in mind and knowing a couple who are unbelievably feckless when it comes to grown up stuff.

If this is all he's doing he's not going to friendly advise / exampleto the contrary.

If you ask him nicely to leave, how is he going to do that? In order to rent a room in a shared flat/house he’ll need a deposit, a months rent in advance and references. He’ll need to prove he can pay his rent and share of the bills going forward, most people do this by having a job, your son doesn’t. If you want him to go, wait until he goes out, change the locks and don’t let him back in for any reason - he’ll have to go to the council and declare himself homeless. Even then you’ll get a phone call from the council asking you to reconsider because there’s a housing crisis etc. You’ll need to stand your ground and say no.

Is he definitely leaving in April? Does he have a job lined up? Is he definitely going? If yes I’d be inclined to let him stay until then (but change the locks as soon as he leaves).

Stop giving him money as of now. He already gets a roof over his head and all his bills paid (gas, council tax, electric, broadband etc). Provide him with three meals a day, no more. He can go to the job centre, sign on and live off his benefit money. He can pay for his mobile phone, car insurance, petrol etc from his benefit money. What he can’t afford he can’t have. Stop giving in to him, you can’t afford £40.00 for beef jerky so tell him no, he can’t have what he can’t afford. He can get a temporary job now which he can do until April, there are plenty of jobs in retail and hospitality for a young person with no commitments who can drive.

This is your fault, you have turned your son into who he is now by refusing to say no and giving him everything he wants. If you don’t put an end to this you will never end this, you’ll still be in the same place when he’s 40.

What was the incident over Christmas? You imply this has brought things to a head but dont say what it was.

I simply cannot understand why he’s lacking motivation to get a job when you’re dutifully paying for all his living expenses. No idea.

People create the monster, so to speak, then wonder why they’re in a hole like this. This is the latest in a very long line of similar threads you’ll see on MN - usually regarding adult sons who’ve been infantilised by their mums to the point of being unable to fiction properly.

Cut the rope, or inflict this on the “very sweet girlfriend” for the rest of her life too.

This. He doesn’t currently have a job does he? Where would he live if you asked him to leave? I would stop paying which changes the dynamic and tell him he needs to sort a room in a shared house next winter

Where will he go, and how will be afford it without a job? I’d be letting my son stay until April, with some big changes.

That's the point isn't it? He'll be forced to look after himself instead of relying on mummy. I imagine he'll have a job in no time once the easy option has been removed.

.

I pay for his car insurance, petrol and food.

That is mistake number one. You're funding his lifestyle.

I have adult kids at home but they pay me rent ( a small amount but it does help) - one funds his own car and the other is learning to drive and pays for her own lessons etc.

Tell him now that you are very unhappy with the current arrangements and that things need to change immediately otherwise he will need to find somewhere else to live before April.

1. He does xxx jobs to a good standard per week towards his keep and petrol
2. You will be providing basic meals and anything beyond that he will be financing
3. The kayaks need to live outside under some tarpaulins
4. any other rules you want to have

Get him to apply for a live in hospitality job. They exist at rural hotels with minimal transport links.

This. Stop enabling his lazyness.

Repossess his kayaks for none payment of rent and stick them up for sale on eBay.

Watch how quickly he reacts to this.

It will work.

You're funding his lifestyle and a luxury hobby most can't afford. I used to date a guy who, in hindsight, I should have known would NEVER move out of his mother's house. It's simply impossible to have that standard of (lazy) living if you're out on your own, paying £1000 or so for rent a month. Does he know that's reality? There's not much incentive to leave and start his own life because it will always be harder than staying with mummy. But does he want to be staying with mummy at 34, 44...?

THE INCIDENTS IVER XMAS: were: swearing in front of the kids (4 and 8). He had been told in advance not to. Rocking on Granny’s precious antique chairs. Being cheeky to Granny, (thinking it was funny to say the food wasn’t up to scratch, I e behaving like a food critic). He accused granny if loving his washbag which he lost. The general vibe was upsetting to the other grandchildren who all treasure their granny, they came in the next day and the chatter was about him being naughty and they were checking granny’s chairs first cracks. Granny is a legend and the best anyone could get. His brother was in tears about it. Also he was sitting at dining table with his knees up. He took granny’s best brandy and malt whiskey home, after I offered him some old unused bottles of rum.
He was otherwise being good company and jollying everyone along and did all the driving 10 hours there and back.

Don’t worry I’ve got thr bottles and will return them.

You’re joking aren’t you?!??

Tell him to get a job NOW!!!