AIBU to ask my 24 year old son to leave home?

[Jasmine1970]

After behaving very badly over Christmas I would like to ask my son to leave, he has been staying since September and plans to leave on April for a summer job abroad, he eill
doin turn 25. He dropped out of uni in his 3rd year and worked last summer at a sky jumping centre. He loves sky jumping and white water kayaking,
He was supposed to help me with my business but has done very little and over the last few months I’ve didn’t £1,500 paying a handyman to do jobs he could have done. I pay for his car insurance, petrol and food.
He says he wants a job but dues very little to get one. I had to redo his CV as it was terrible.

I know if I say he can’t love at home he will guilt trip me about it. But I feel that he’s missing out on vital life lessons that he would learn from fending for himself.
He’s quite happy, has a big collection of kayaks, some of which now reside on my kitchen, and he takes them out on trips in his old banger. Has a very sweet girlfriend who also comes round to the house from
time to time.
From time to time I lose my rag when customers phone me with complaints relating to jobs he hasn’t done, but promised to do.
He can be rude to me and act in an entitled way, for example we were in a shop today and he picked up a load of beef jerky that came to £40 and expected me to pay for it, I don’t have spare money for such expensive things,
should o ask him to move out and how should I do this in a kind reasonable way, ?

Im Really sorry to hear this. I’ve heard stories about these breakdowns and big bust ups. I think it’s quite common I’m sure he will reflect and come back to you in time.

I feel immense rage at times,

It’s as if young people push the boundaries to a fall out as underneath they need the fall out in order to break away.

this is what’s happening to me and im
hoping to navigate the break away abd still be talking. But im reconciled that he will be cross.

I did

We having been chatting about doing this ..

Thanks, appreciate this advice

Thought as much.

This should absolutely be a hard no.

You aren't just funding his car and insurance, feeding him and putting a roof over his head.

You are absolutely bonkers for funding his cocktails, especially after he tried to take his grandmother's booze.

Seriously, go dry in the house. No alcohol. Don't buy it. Don't have it in the house. Don't give him money. He will NOT like this. He won't have money to socialise as much. Alcohol is 100% a luxury and very difficult to argue with as an essential he should have access to and you should pay for. After all you are doing Dry January and have a new resolution to drink less (don't you, hint hint) and he should be supportive.

Basically give him a problem that he is going to actually want to fix and is hard to argue with.

Why on earth are you paying to run his car? You are enabling his laziness ... stop it.

OP I really feel for you. My children are now in their 30s. I would do anything for them. They have thrived. You have done everything to support your son and he has not moved on. However ….,.

Not wanting to work in a particular bar because of the clientele is eye watering in his position - however best he doesn’t try because to be bar staff you have to have good social skills.

What they did with flooding the bathroom is what 15 yr olds do! All the other things going on aside - he needs a rollocking and to sort it out. Don’t touch it! If you continue to make things right he will never learn

You’re right, alcohol is expensive. I will take away the spirits and tie up the drinks cabinet and take a pic and put a tamper seal in it.

I suspect he looks down at working people because he perceives his life to be somewhat luxurious because he pays for nothing. Why work when you can get it for free - his rich parents pay. You may not be rich but you pay for it so perception is you can afford it.

I can't believe you paid for his cocktails and let him have 4 hour baths with his GF leaving the place in a mess after all that's been written here over the last week.

He's walking all over you and you are allowing it. No point giving any more advice as you are still doing what you've always done.

Echo pp who mentioned ski season-his accommodation and food will be paid for. His behaviour is outrageous. Stealing high end booze from granny is despicable.

I would give him a week to go to his dad’s. Ensure you stop all access to any of your accounts immediately.

After he took his granny's alcohol?? Why?

You’re right
don’t worry I will put an end to this
his younger brother is back from uni at the moment and leaving early next week, the 24 year old is off today further weekend kayaking in north wales, so I’m waiting a couple of days, I’m not going to have any rows while the younger brother is home. The younger brother works very hard, is contentious, respectful, grateful, helpful, independent, doing a tough degree etc. only has a precious few days relaxing at home. I don’t want him dragged into the drama that is going to kick off next week .. I’m braced for it.

I will be tackling everything next week. Don’t worry ..

I’ll let post back next week to update how it goes.
The messages have been great as I’m clear on my approach now.

Update: I WILL TACKLE EVERYTHING early NEXT WEEK, after his brother has gone back to uni,

his summer job is in Schengen so he is stuck in Uk for the winters,

This post is all about mitigating the impression given of all the ways in which this young man is urgently in need of defenestration.
You’re talking to yourself!
And you’ll convince yourself too, because you are clearly nowhere near angry enough (or at all, as far as I can tell) about his repugnant treatment of you and of other exploitable or vulnerable family members.

As other pp have said, it’s obvious now that further remonstrations aren’t going to spur you into any disciplinary action, but I must say that ranking a 25-year old man among ‘young people’ is a category error which explains a great deal of this problem.
Young people are allowed a hell of a lot more indulgence than 25-years olds merit.
Recklessness, irresponsibility, heedless/thoughtless behaviour and so on; we’ve all been young, and by about 22 we ought to be growing in self reliance, but even if we aren’t, our “…salad days/ When [we were] green in judgment” as Cleopatra puts it, are over, and it’s time to accept and embody full adulthood.

We may still live at home, or be unemployed, but the point is, teenage behaviour should not still be our standard, nor should that be the trivial level of accountability and consideration demanded by our parents.

This.

I encouraged him to get the car and to pass his test as I saw this as a good step towards independence...it has worked in that he loves having the car. Hopefully the costs involved in this and the kayaking on top of rent and bills will focus his mind on earning

You don’t need a car for independence. Independence is moving out of your parent(s)’s home and living as an adult. Him loving the car doesn’t mean “it’s worked”. Of course he loves the car, but you’re helping to finance it and you shouldn’t be at his age.

things have just gone a bit askew as he’s in denial about growing up. So that’s my journey now to get this message across to him and get him out...im thankful that he’s not depressed at home addicted to porn, complaining about feeling tired, etc and refusing to socialise, like many young men these days

Of course, he’s not tired! He has a life of leisure and indulgence funded by you! I don’t mean to sound unkind because I understand it’s hard when you love your children, but indulging and enabling them to such an extent isn’t love. If you think about it like that - it not being love - then it’s easier to act because you accept you’re doing things for their benefit and out of true love, not ‘Disney love’ where you indulge and spoil them.

He’ll end up like my ex who’s a total loser. He was indulged by his parents, and still is, despite being in his 40s. He basically rules their house and they grovel around, pandering to his every whim even though he actually has his own house and a job! (Why live in your own house when you can get the bank of Mummy to fund everything?). Their relationship is completely dysfunctional - I could give so many examples - but his parents are so deep into it, that they don’t see it. They are total enablers. The result of this is a pathetic man-child.

I really hope you do speak to your son and don’t come back with an update where you try to justify continuing to indulge him and give in to him. You should have started easing him into adulthood years ago. It will be harder now but you must do it - for both your sakes.

Yes, I have DSs 25 and 18. DS lived here for a year at 23-24 after uni. He paid £200 board and his own car insurance etc. There is no way I would have tolerated this.

OP, what happened with this? Did you ever have the conversation?

I was just wondering about this too. OP, if you see this would you please come back and update us as to how things went?