AIBU to ask my 24 year old son to leave home?

[Jasmine1970]

After behaving very badly over Christmas I would like to ask my son to leave, he has been staying since September and plans to leave on April for a summer job abroad, he eill
doin turn 25. He dropped out of uni in his 3rd year and worked last summer at a sky jumping centre. He loves sky jumping and white water kayaking,
He was supposed to help me with my business but has done very little and over the last few months I’ve didn’t £1,500 paying a handyman to do jobs he could have done. I pay for his car insurance, petrol and food.
He says he wants a job but dues very little to get one. I had to redo his CV as it was terrible.

I know if I say he can’t love at home he will guilt trip me about it. But I feel that he’s missing out on vital life lessons that he would learn from fending for himself.
He’s quite happy, has a big collection of kayaks, some of which now reside on my kitchen, and he takes them out on trips in his old banger. Has a very sweet girlfriend who also comes round to the house from
time to time.
From time to time I lose my rag when customers phone me with complaints relating to jobs he hasn’t done, but promised to do.
He can be rude to me and act in an entitled way, for example we were in a shop today and he picked up a load of beef jerky that came to £40 and expected me to pay for it, I don’t have spare money for such expensive things,
should o ask him to move out and how should I do this in a kind reasonable way, ?

He sounds like a good candidate to work in a ski resort in the winter
Kayak in summer

Why the fuck are you paying for a 25 year old man's phone and car? Surely that's just embarrassing? Tell him to get off his arse and get a job, the bank of mum is closed. You aren't doing him any favours by letting him prat about like a 15 year old instead of supporting himself.

Sadly, or luckily, depending on your point of view, there are plenty of not decent landlords who will rent to people without references or a guarantor. Especially for a room in a shared house.

He has two parents who don't live together.

Let him freeload off Daddy instead.

He's living with Mum not Dad BECAUSE she lets him freeload...

He sounds spoilt and irresponsible, but I wouldn't ask him to leave. He definitely needs to take charge of his own life and not expect his mummy to take care of him.

He gets a job, shows you respect, and pays his way. Don't let him guilt you into being soft on him when he calls you a bad mother. That maybe an issue for him, but it's separate and not an excuse to be lazy, rude and entitled.

It’s your right to ask him to leave. But without a job I and only needing a 3 month tenancy I don’t know where he would go… you’d need to give him notice so he doesn’t end up street homeless.

Id definitely make him get the kayaks out of the kitchen and would not pay for anything for him… he can buy his own food and insurance.

He should look for winter seasonal work to balance his summer work. I have lots of friends who do this - generally they go abroad to work the winter in ski resorts (Japan generally but also France, then some go to New Zealand for summer skiing).

The Post Office also does winter/Xmas work.

This seems full of mixed messages …extending the working opportunity when he failed you badly. Just no. Saying he can’t move back but that he will have to pay market rent. Keep it clear and simple…you did your best and need him to establish an independent life…until he has managed his own life you can’t entertain his calling you a bad mother because at 24 he has no experience of managing his own life…time to begin ..you’ll watch with love…but from a necessary distance

Paying for his car and beef jerky is just OTT

Where are your boundaries? If you want him out, write or tell him, give him notice and stand your ground. If you’re just saying this because you’re annoyed about Christmas but actually have no intention of stopping the enabling, then say nothing. I think he needs to see you mean business and you should definitely stop paying for anything. Sounds like he could do with staying with his Dad until April.

I commented earlier having cleverly missed your post which mentioned his father. Well, there is your solution.
If you literally kicked him out tomorrow, he would not be facing homelessness at all.
Would he be such a sneering, dishonest, and unreliable pain in the arse chez Papa?

I must say I reckon you are being far too soft on him, son or not. He’s exhibiting a really nasty attitude to you, and I read it as bullying, even verbally beating you up. Because he thinks he will get away with it. Which he does, every time.
(He also shows you how various forms of opportunistic theft come very easily to him, so I hope Grandma hasn’t a small Renoir in the loo, and any other credit cards and online accounts you have are now inaccessible for him.)

His making the younger children so anxious and unhappy tips the whole lousy experience over the bounds of maternal forgiveness, in my eyes.
His charge sheet is just too long, and awfully comprehensive in the variety of his ways of being a wrong ‘un.
This may well be a temporary thing of course, but it ought not to be going on under your roof any longer.

He's emotionally and financially abusive.

OP only takes it due to the Fear Obligation and Guilt of being a mother.

But it's still abuse.

Sounds like he's copied his dad's behaviours.
Stop paying for his lifestyle.
He should be paying rent at the very least and paying for his own car at his age.
You're enabling bad behaviour that will prevent him from growing up and he'll be a nightmare for any young woman unlucky enough to fall for him.
He needs to grow up and become independent.
Don't let him back inside your door once he leaves.
It won't help him, on the contrary.

It certainly is, and it is being rewarded for the reasons you cite.
He only dishes it out because he enjoys exploiting weakness. Even if OP can bear it, the young kids should not be witnessing this treatment of her good will.

Yes, sound advice.

It’s hard to hear, but yes. You are right !
i have spoilt him.

I recently told my 21 year old son to move out due to his lack of respect for me and my home and the way he spoke to me. He has now moved to his dad's and cut all contact with me, didn't see or hear from him over Christmas, don't know how he is or what he's up to. Hopefully this wouldn't be your experience but be prepared.

I will wait a few days until my younger son goes back to university before I have the discussions. I don’t want any drama while we are all home together,

So I’m planning what to say.

We’ve just had a nice couple of days at home. He’s been here with his girlfriend and they’ve been having a grand old time making endless cocktails and having four hour baths. He’s going away kayaking over the weekend. So I’ll face the chat next week.

The advice from everyone has been very helpful and helps me to strengthen my resolve.

He does have the option of staying with his father, so he wouldn’t be homeless. So I can give him two weeks to get his act together or go to his dad’s.

I don’t want him coming back in September so I have to have the conversations now so he can start preparing.

OP, do you think that he would be interested in the seasonal jobs on the Isles of Scilly which I added the link to?

It sounds like his kind of place.

My parents wouldn't have stood for me living with them for free and not working or just working seasonally. I never tried it because they laid down that expectation with me from an early age, so I knew better than to even ask. They found summer and weekend jobs for me from about the age of 14 and that was non negotiable.

They weren't great parents in many respects, and I went through the bitter stage that many young people do, blaming them for my shortcomings etc. Again, lots of people feel that way and it's impractical to go through life using it as an excuse for not engaging with life and working, paying your way etc. At 25 he should be way past behaving like a moody teenager. You sound like a caring, present Mum and your son should be grateful for what he has, rather than being rude and disrespectful to you and his grandmother.

Sorry but he sounds disgustingly spoilt and ungrateful. Why are you paying his car insurance for a start? If he can’t be arsed to work, he doesn’t need a car. If he wants one, then he can finance it himself. And why does he feel entitled to put expensive food in your shopping trolley, assuming you’ll buy it for him? He sounds like a child, so treat him like one.

I imagine you’re concerned that asking him to leave might damage your relationship, but I think it’s more likely that it will improve it as he’ll have to grow up and stop taking you for granted. I’d let him stay until April as agreed but stop paying his car insurance and other stuff. I also would not let him come back in September. Tell him you feel him being at home is hampering his development into adulthood if you want, rather than the truth that he’s a spoilt, entitled little idiot.

That Xmas behaviour that you describe is the entitled, exuberant behaviour of a spoilt twit who has too much time on their hands so too much energy to ‘be funny’. It’s also the attention-seeking of a spoilt child. He needs some sharp waking up. You don’t have to get in an argument or a discussion, just be matter of fact about it and quietly firm. You’ll be doing him a favour in the long run.

Who paid for the cocktails?

Good luck with the talk. Is there another relative who could be there when you have it?

Just got up and bathroom rug is soaked as DS and girlfriend must have flooded the bathroom yesterday, and wet towel in the bath, Geberal chaos. I will ask then to duet this out today. It feels like having two teenagers.

Yesterday we had some families round for lunch as my friend sadly lost her husband recently. There were discussions about jobs our boys are up to and my friend’s son not being there as he’s fitting in shifts at a well know pub chain. I was reassuring her how responsible he’s being and how tough the job can be and how much holding down this job over his yeara of study will help his cv. Etc and my son chipped in that he would never work there as he didn’t like the people who frequented that chain, . As if he’s better than them. It’s this attitude that’s the worst problem. Looking down on working people.

Another son of the other family is loving working on building sites through an agency and my son pricked up his ears. So he has the chance to follow this up.

The parents were taking him to task about his situation, and he had all manner of witty replies and was extolling the virtues and benefits of his lifestyle.

I was thinking, we will see how he sounds when he’s got rent and bills to pay.

i will do this, thanks

re the car, he bought it very very cheaply with his own money and then passed his test in it. Saved money on lessons, by me spending a week with me, driving non stop. He did the research about the insurance and managed to get his and my insurance fur the same price I was paying just for mine, so I agreed to pay it. I encouraged him to get the car and to pass his test as I saw this as a good step towards independence.

it has worked in that he loves having the car. Hopefully the costs involved in this and the kayaking on top of rent and bills will focus his mind on earning.

So the good thing is that he is happy, sporty, sociable, capable has a girlfriend, a car etc, I see this as the good base to move on. The good reasons to have a job. As you need money for this stuff.

things have just gone a bit askew as he’s in denial about growing up. So that’s my journey now to get this message across to him and get him out.

im thankful that he’s not depressed at home addicted to porn, complaining about feeling tired, etc and refusing to socialise, like many young men these days,