In laws with tiny stomachs

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Staying with in-laws (aged in late 60s). We are a normal healthy family with normal appetites (I think?). I am sick of having to "request" 3 meals a day. As far as I can work out they generally must eat a cup of tea for breakfast, a dry wafer with a thimble of cheese for lunch and a grilled sardine for dinner usually, with loud exclamations that the enormous amount consumed for each meal will see them out for the next few days.

Today I have had to drive to a cafe for a normal lunch and bought horderves "for Christmas" just to bulk up the dinner of boiled potatoes and two slices of ham. Children are ravenous. It was their choice of hosting, and I am paying for all the food (but they get to dictate the (lack of) menu!

My DS set a record of 15 roast potatoes last year! 🤣 he was more restrained this year.we were hosting so we're used to his potato consumption. Hes 16 and pretty skinny.

This is the thing. It's all about proclaiming ones saintliness, women in particular are prone to eating disorders having had it drummed into them as children that women should abstain.

Are they stick insects or normal weight?

And to add to my above post, when they come to us for Sunday dinner we serve them up a hefty portion and they polish it all off with pudding 😂
we love to see them eating up and they do really enjoy their food so it seems like they just keep an eye on what they eat at home so they can relax a little when they are out.

Your husband shouldn’t be so namby-pamby, why doesn’t he feel at home enough at his own parents’ house, to get up and cook you all (who are hungry) a meal?
Or one of you announce that you are off out for dinner, do PILs want anything bringing back? Or say ‘we are ordering take out for our evening meal, want any?’ offering means they can’t argue that you’ve been rude about it.
I’m picturing you all sat exchanging tortured glances on the sofa, miserable as sin, stomachs growling. Just get yourselves fed one way or another. You know what PILs are like by now and therefore you know one of you is going to have to be more proactive.

My MIL made us a lovely roast chicken lunch today, then as we were finishing said “everyone will have to do a lot of exercise to compensate for that”.
We hadn’t even had any pudding. Really? Guilt after roast chicken, roasties and veg? What an unpleasant way to finish a nice meal
all together.
And shortly after we got the usual “you won’t want your dinner tonight”.
I fucking will, love.

We never eat breakfast, have a smallish lunch (eg a sandwich or a salad) and a bigger meal with wine in the evening. No snacks.

But I would never have guests round and expect them to eat like this - the fridge and cupboards would be full to bursting, proper lunch and supper on the table, wide variety of snacks and drinks always available. Even if the guests don’t necessarily want it, the food would be there. Anything less is rude and mean-spirited.

We had to get really blunt on this with my in laws, it's the only way, as some genuinely don't realise so communication is key, others are doing it as control and again need to be spoken up to.

For years before DC and when they were tiny we would eat before arriving even if coming for that meal, and when staying for longer would sneak off to go out for meals, but that doesn't help as they then don't change or adjust anything and just didn't work as DC got older. We have had to push it at times which is uncomfortable but reached a stage we couldn't stay there or visit otherwise

Eat him

Same with mine - although it was about the timing of meals rather than under-catering...but it got to the point where evening meal would be served well past the DC bedtime despite assurances it would be ready hours earlier. FIL would get grumpy because DC were "filling up on bread" ...because they were waiting past their bedtime for a proper meal! In the end I had to be quite bossy (im generally very passive) and ignore them when they said they didnt need any help and just go in the kitchen and start peeling/cooking vegetables ,etc (tbh, ive no idea what they actually were doing in the kitchen that took so long!).

Ok, so why are they imposing there shrinking appetites on children and young adults? Does their memories of eating possibly three meals a day as children and young adults also disappear with getting older?

It is indeed, and I could have sworn that's what I typed...

I just think your husband is being weird. Surely if a person is close enough to a family or friend to stay with them surely they are close enough to say mum where hungry have you got a loaf of bread we are going to make some toast if not il nip to the shop.

My in-laws have had issues for the 30 years I've known them. Saddest decade was seeing them utterly puzzled and yet proud when SIL went through an eating disorder period and was very unhealthy.
The year we had the tiniest Xmas dinner with boiled potatoes was our last Christmas day meal there.
This year their family dinner snap, including BIL & SIL families, was mostly plate with a chicken between 10 and just mashed potato.
We had too many roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, all the sides and no pattern visible under the generous gravy pours.

Sorry but I find this really funny and bizarre. Do people not drive to the shop to get groceries or “pop out” to get food? Or is there no food in the fridge, cupboard and can you not ask? I am always prepared when going to places like weddings, parties etc where other people control the food times, so I always eat before leaving.

My parents were like this! My dad is sadly dead now.. but they never really had food in. Their fridge was just full of condiments. My mum still only eats one meal a day. She's always been very slender and would comment on my eating all the time. (I'm bigger but not overweight) it was like she thought this was healthy even though the small amount she does eat is very meat heavy.. very little vegetables. She also chainsmokes and my dad did too and drank a bottle of wine with dinner most nights.
They were and are not healthy people.
But I did internalise a lot of that nonsense as a child and try to skip meals thinking this was how to be thin and healthy. It is NOT.
I eat sensible meals at least three times a day now alongside snacks of fruit and nuts. And I eat desert when I fancy it too. I excercise both cardio and weights.
I feel in good condition. I dont think I would be if I only ate one meal a day. I dont know how anyone manages it. They must barely move.
Which is true of my mother. She has zero muscle mass now

It is rude and unwelcoming and smug to think all people should live as they do. I have a small appetite and some digestive issues, DH has a smaller appetite than he used to. When family stay I cater for their appetites. Main meal will allow portion sizes to vary, always plenty of whatever the carb is and veg, will add garlic bread etc if appropriate. Plenty of breakfast options, masses of homemade soup, bread, cheese, hummus, fruit for lunches. Always baking for snacks.
I suspect this may stem from them just not enjoying food or cooking but it is still not on.

Sorry OP but I think you and your DH need to grow backbones. Bring your own food and cook it. They clearly have a reduced appetite due to normal aging processes but that doesn't mean you all need to starve too! If they wont accept that you have a different appetite to them then stop staying over at their house. Set some boundaries on what you will and wont accept in family relationships. Stop walking on eggshells and say what you need.

Saved by the Take-away.

Surely you could say, the children need more than that - they are growing? You don't mention the age of your children but teenage boys especially, are practically hollow. Can you put a carrier bag of extras on a fridge shelf and say 'That's ours, we'll take it when we leave, save you having to deal with it'. Then you can put it on the table and everyone can help themselves.

ETB surely

I definitely want to eat less at 59 than I did at 40 so perhaps they have forgotten what guzzlers folks are at that age. It’s basic biology which is taught in schools and the reason why they want to eat less than you.

Cant you just go into kitchen and help yourselves to toast and snacks etc

Some people just eat less than others and while it is normal for some people to be in the kitchen sorting out three meals a day, for others it is too much. It is weird to jump to accusations of ‘controlling’ just because of differing appetites. I’d expect you to be welcome to help yourself to toast or cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch but you can’t expect an older couple to have the same eating habits as a young family and then complain about them when they don’t.

My friends just rummage through stuff and go “can I eat/cook this?”
I do feed people but also encourage the help yourself

Make extra cheese toasties, soup, baked beans on toast for the kids - they are growing and ravenous.
Be sure the children fill up on extra bowls of porridge, eggs etc for breakfast.
Make a cake or two - leave one for inlaws - as gifts for having you stay.
Offer everyone hot cocoa and milk before bed.