Page 30 | Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

Becc91 · 2025-12-27T17:57:29+00:00

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱! Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september. I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!! This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone. DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

ByNeatRoseMember · 29/12/2025 15:16

Anthophile · 29/12/2025 13:56

One thing is clear -- most respondents in this thread have little to no up-to-date knowledge or real-life experience about South Korean culture and are merely (and incorrectly) speculating about what it is like to live in South Korea as a young native or foreign parent in 2025 (soon to be 2026), and that won't help OP or her son and his partner.

Few who have responded here would be Korean, speak the language, or have lived in South Korea long enough to form an informed opinion.

People here can't say for certain whether there are "ulterior motives" behind this pregnancy (assuming it is indeed real), nor do they have any information about whether the partner of OP's son is from a wealthy family with financial/childcare support (is she receiving scholarship or self-funding her studies?).

I'm not sure why her field of study raised OP's eyebrows in the initial post, unless OP has actually good reason to believe the degree will not lead to anything lucrative or otherwise worthwhile. Is it actually relevant to the situation?

OP's original question was whether her son was being unreasonable in how he presented the news and is approaching the situation after OP's surprise; provided the pregnancy is real and she decides to carry to term and there are no medical issues that end in a miscarriage, it may be in OP's long-term interest to aid them should they need legal or practical advice, even if her son or his partner were reckless or unreasonable.

Edited

No OPs question was whether her reaction was unreasonable. In a way at least it shows she is being reflective maybe….

Thehandinthecookiejar · 29/12/2025 15:22

Rosscameasdoody · 28/12/2025 15:36

I don’t think he was scared at all. I think he deliberately announced the pregnancy very publicly to pave the way for suggesting all three of them live with OP when the baby is born. It’s manipulative and controlling and the misogyny on this thread is actually quite disturbing.

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Well maybe you do think that but is there any evidence for this?

Thehandinthecookiejar · 29/12/2025 15:23

EarthlyNightshade · 28/12/2025 16:22

What would you like most about it?

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Eh?

FlyingCatGirl · 29/12/2025 15:24

Anthophile · 29/12/2025 13:56

One thing is clear -- most respondents in this thread have little to no up-to-date knowledge or real-life experience about South Korean culture and are merely (and incorrectly) speculating about what it is like to live in South Korea as a young native or foreign parent in 2025 (soon to be 2026), and that won't help OP or her son and his partner.

Few who have responded here would be Korean, speak the language, or have lived in South Korea long enough to form an informed opinion.

People here can't say for certain whether there are "ulterior motives" behind this pregnancy (assuming it is indeed real), nor do they have any information about whether the partner of OP's son is from a wealthy family with financial/childcare support (is she receiving scholarship or self-funding her studies?).

I'm not sure why her field of study raised OP's eyebrows in the initial post, unless OP has actually good reason to believe the degree will not lead to anything lucrative or otherwise worthwhile. Is it actually relevant to the situation?

OP's original question was whether her son was being unreasonable in how he presented the news and is approaching the situation after OP's surprise; provided the pregnancy is real and she decides to carry to term and there are no medical issues that end in a miscarriage, it may be in OP's long-term interest to aid them should they need legal or practical advice, even if her son or his partner were reckless or unreasonable.

Edited

Nobody in here is claiming to be Korean but neither is the son! He doesn't speak Korean or know the culture either and probably ever set foot there. The reality is he will not meet the requirements as a 20 year old student to get a visa for South Korea. He is unlikely to go and live there anyway but if he did he could absolutely find he hates it, it's not like there isn't going to be cultural differences either.

The legal expense may be far, far beyond what OP can provide because the girlfriend isn't legal to stay here!

FuckRealityBringMeABook · 29/12/2025 15:49

The son might be eligible for a family visa if he gets married, pulls his finger out and starts learning to read and write Korean to the level required (i.e. not with Duofuckinglingo 🙄), and if his wife meets the Korean income requirements. That is not going to happen overnight. The visa can be refused if the marriage is deemed a sham, which since they[ve only known each other for 5 minutes might look like it to the Korean authorities.

hafflesnaffle · 29/12/2025 18:18

ByPoisedRaven · 29/12/2025 10:34

Strange attitude. Due to a genetic problem, many women in my family haven't been able to have children after their later 20s. I decided to have the kids rather than risk it. I had the kids and managed all the fun and travel with them. It did slow down the career but I caught up later. Sometimes you have to make choices because you can't have it all. I wouldn't want to have kids in my 30s. I find that too old, even though I know it's right for others.

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Sorry for your situation, obviously that makes things different for you. However for the population in general the average age at having first child is now 30. So not a strange attitude at all. Very sensible actually. Enjoy the freedom of your 20s, you never get it back

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2025 18:26

FlyingCatGirl

"The legal issue of the girlfriend being here only on a study visa eradicates any positives! Right now there are no positives! It's two students wrecking their lives and studies for a baby they can't pay for or currently raise together because she can't stay here. And it's a relationship still in its infancy so not exactly stable or solid."

Of course it is not stable or solid, but as I said, I think here are positives. I know a family who started in very similar (almost identical) situation 30 years ago. They decided to get married and had a happy time. The marriage lasted many years. It's not easy or safe but then this is a not a situation that the OP or anyone is choosing. This is the situation as it is.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 18:52

Thehandinthecookiejar · 29/12/2025 15:22

Well maybe you do think that but is there any evidence for this?

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Why else would he force OP to open the ‘gift’ in front of everyone else and then suggest in front of others that all three live with OP after the baby is born ? Hee’s controlling OP’s response and making it difficult for her to refuse. It’s clearly manipulative.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:00

Imdunfer · 29/12/2025 10:17

Section 8 of the human rights act gives her a right to a family life if it is deemed unreasonable hardship for the baby to be separated from its mother. The baby is British and legally can't be taken out of Britain by its mother without the father's permission.

If they can live together for long enough (at the mothers, even more "family", hence the request? ) they establish a family life to which both the mother and the child are then entitled.

And by the time this has been through every legal challenge (on legal aid!?) and ended up at the HMRC, so much time will have passed that it will be unfair to either split the family or deport the mother.

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And The Hague convention deems that rather than where the baby is born, what matters is the place of habitual residence. So whether the baby is born in the UK or S Korea is not as important as where the child is deemed by the courts to be living. Both the UK and S Korea are signatories to the convention so neither parent can remove the child to their home country without the permission of the other.

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 19:10

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:00

And The Hague convention deems that rather than where the baby is born, what matters is the place of habitual residence. So whether the baby is born in the UK or S Korea is not as important as where the child is deemed by the courts to be living. Both the UK and S Korea are signatories to the convention so neither parent can remove the child to their home country without the permission of the other.

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Does this need to be said 100 times. The child hasn't even been born yet. The mother could go home and have the child

TheSquareMile · 29/12/2025 19:19

The difficulty re the position of the girlfriend is that, for students with the scholarship it's likely to be, an immediate return to their home countries once their courses are complete is built in to the funding package.

I can't see how she can override that, I think she will have to return to South Korea in the late summer and then apply to the UK for permission to return.

They may marry at some point but I still think that she will be expected to leave the UK in late summer/early autumn and then re-apply on the basis of her new circumstances.

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 19:25

TheSquareMile · 29/12/2025 19:19

The difficulty re the position of the girlfriend is that, for students with the scholarship it's likely to be, an immediate return to their home countries once their courses are complete is built in to the funding package.

I can't see how she can override that, I think she will have to return to South Korea in the late summer and then apply to the UK for permission to return.

They may marry at some point but I still think that she will be expected to leave the UK in late summer/early autumn and then re-apply on the basis of her new circumstances.

Edited

I said this ages ago and was told I was wrong

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:26

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 19:10

Does this need to be said 100 times. The child hasn't even been born yet. The mother could go home and have the child

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Yes it does, because it’s absolutely relevant to the situation, and yet many posters seem unaware of it. Both countries are signatories to the agreement so neither parent has the right to remove the child without the permission of the other, regardless of where the child is born, and the overriding factor is habitual residence. Yes, of course she could just go home and have the baby, but OP indicated that her course doesn’t finish until after the baby is born, so it’s unlikely.

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 19:27

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:26

Yes it does, because it’s absolutely relevant to the situation, and yet many posters seem unaware of it. Both countries are signatories to the agreement so neither parent has the right to remove the child without the permission of the other, regardless of where the child is born, and the overriding factor is habitual residence. Yes, of course she could just go home and have the baby, but OP indicated that her course doesn’t finish until after the baby is born, so it’s unlikely.

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You're wrong. All other information online re this situation suggests otherwise. Particularly as she's on a student visa that is going to run out very soon.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:27

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 19:25

I said this ages ago and was told I was wrong

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It depends on whether or not the baby has been born. She may have to leave, but whether she can remove the child without the fathers’ permission depends on several factors.

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 19:29

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:26

Yes it does, because it’s absolutely relevant to the situation, and yet many posters seem unaware of it. Both countries are signatories to the agreement so neither parent has the right to remove the child without the permission of the other, regardless of where the child is born, and the overriding factor is habitual residence. Yes, of course she could just go home and have the baby, but OP indicated that her course doesn’t finish until after the baby is born, so it’s unlikely.

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The OP did not say at any point when her degree was finishing. Just that she's doing a post grad - it's very likely that she'll be finished in May or June and will have to go home at that point

Imdunfer · 29/12/2025 19:34

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:00

And The Hague convention deems that rather than where the baby is born, what matters is the place of habitual residence. So whether the baby is born in the UK or S Korea is not as important as where the child is deemed by the courts to be living. Both the UK and S Korea are signatories to the convention so neither parent can remove the child to their home country without the permission of the other.

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The son has every intention that the child will be born in this country and hopes it will reside with his mother.

I strongly suspect that the girlfriend wants the same and for a lovely cosy granny/mother/father/baby co-residence to create a human rights section 8 right to a family life as quickly as possibly.

I believe on the information we've been given that if that child is born in this country the mother will apply for indefinte leave to remain.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:34

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 19:27

You're wrong. All other information online re this situation suggests otherwise. Particularly as she's on a student visa that is going to run out very soon.

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There was a thread on the legal board a couple of months ago from a UK woman studying in Australia, who was in exactly the same situation. Both the UK and Australia are signatories to Hague and although she was required to leave at the end of her studies, she could not take the child without the fathers’ permission, as the courts had ruled that the child’s habitual residence was in Australia. If l can find it, I’ll link to it.

ByPoisedRaven · 29/12/2025 19:34

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:26

Yes it does, because it’s absolutely relevant to the situation, and yet many posters seem unaware of it. Both countries are signatories to the agreement so neither parent has the right to remove the child without the permission of the other, regardless of where the child is born, and the overriding factor is habitual residence. Yes, of course she could just go home and have the baby, but OP indicated that her course doesn’t finish until after the baby is born, so it’s unlikely.

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So then, what is the habitual residence of a mother on a short term visa? Surely it would be their country of origin rather than the UK. They are a visitor rather than habitual resident, just while studying. An unborn baby's habitual residence has to be with the mother.

ByPoisedRaven · 29/12/2025 19:38

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 18:52

Why else would he force OP to open the ‘gift’ in front of everyone else and then suggest in front of others that all three live with OP after the baby is born ? Hee’s controlling OP’s response and making it difficult for her to refuse. It’s clearly manipulative.

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Either that or he misguidedly thought OP would be thrilled. Maybe she's talked about looking forward to being a gma one day?

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 19:50

ByPoisedRaven · 29/12/2025 19:38

Either that or he misguidedly thought OP would be thrilled. Maybe she's talked about looking forward to being a gma one day?

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She didn't. She said she didn't want to be a gran at 38

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:50

ByPoisedRaven · 29/12/2025 19:34

So then, what is the habitual residence of a mother on a short term visa? Surely it would be their country of origin rather than the UK. They are a visitor rather than habitual resident, just while studying. An unborn baby's habitual residence has to be with the mother.

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It’s not the habitual residence of the mother - it’s that of the child themselves.I’m trying to find a thread from a while back on the legal board - if l can find it I’ll post a link. More or less the same situation with a young mother from the UK studying in Australia who had given birth there. The father was Australian -again, both countries signatories to Hague. The conclusion from a couple of family lawyers advising was that it was likely she could not remove the child to the UK at the end of her studies without the fathers’ permission because the courts would likely deem Australia to be the childs’ habitual residence. It’s by no means straightforward

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:51

ByPoisedRaven · 29/12/2025 19:38

Either that or he misguidedly thought OP would be thrilled. Maybe she's talked about looking forward to being a gma one day?

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She specifically said she didn’t want to be a grandmother at 38.

ByPoisedRaven · 29/12/2025 19:57

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:51

She specifically said she didn’t want to be a grandmother at 38.

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When she's talked about looking forward to being a grandmother one day (if she did), I doubt she was that specific. I have sons in their 20s and I'd have been blindsided if OP's situation, and I'm plenty old enough to be a grandmother at 52.

ByPoisedRaven · 29/12/2025 19:58

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2025 19:50

It’s not the habitual residence of the mother - it’s that of the child themselves.I’m trying to find a thread from a while back on the legal board - if l can find it I’ll post a link. More or less the same situation with a young mother from the UK studying in Australia who had given birth there. The father was Australian -again, both countries signatories to Hague. The conclusion from a couple of family lawyers advising was that it was likely she could not remove the child to the UK at the end of her studies without the fathers’ permission because the courts would likely deem Australia to be the childs’ habitual residence. It’s by no means straightforward

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No, it's not. It sounds like this is an early pregnancy. In the mother's place, I'd be getting back to South Korea pronto, even if I had to give up my studies, if that's where I wanted to raise this child.