Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

[Becc91]

So my DS (20) came home for christmas from bristol uni with a "special" christmas present. Had me open it in front of everyone... only to find a positive pregnancy test 😱!
Turns out his new GF of 6 months, who he met online (discard?) , is an international student from Korea, studying "innovation" 🙄. I want so badly to be happy for him, but just feel he's far too young to be having a child with someone who'll be leaving the country come september.

I've always wanted to be a grandma, but not at 38!!
This, plus the fact she's 26 and we haven't even met makes me SO worried for my DS... but I'm fuming that he thought it was appropriate to give this as a present and make me open it in front of everyone.

DS now isn't speaking to me after I told him in no uncertain terms that the three of them couldn't move in when their degrees are finished- which he had the nerve to suggest over Christmas Dinner?! AIBU?

@nomas
Please be kind to your son, I’m getting a whiff of something weird about your focusing on her nationality.

Can you give an example of this ‘weird whiff’?

If the child is born in the UK it will be a British citizen, so they won’t be able to deport the mother. Both the UK and South Korea are signatories to The Hague Convention, which covers child abduction.

Looking for racism where there is none. If you run out of facts, shout ‘racist’ and all is resolved.

Both the UK and South Korea are signatories to The Hague Convention and both would co-operate with the other in the event of child abduction.

They can. The child goes with the mother. It has nothing to do with child abduction.
It is really clear on here that people have no idea how immigration works in the Uk.

But if you go when still pregnant, that's fine, isn't it? Not something I've ever had to look into. Does it only matter after the baby is born? I know I'd be urging my daughter to think very carefully about where she wants to get 'stuck'.

This was my first thought

depending what age her mum had her , she could have been a young granny at 38/40

but yes not the best time to tell everyone but equally if they are happy then …….

Nope. The apple and the tree post said it all.

It doesn’t matter whether they live in the UK or S Korea when the baby is born. Both are signatories to the convention, so if either parent attempted to leave for their home country with the child, it would be treated as child abduction.

Both countries are signatories to the convention so it doesn’t matter where they are resident. If either parent attempts to leave for their home country with the child, it’s treated as child abduction. What matters is where the child is habitually resident.

Exactly, which is why I'd be encouraging my daughter to think about where she wants to live long term and birth there. Before the baby is born.

If that’s the case then he’s highly manipulative.

The first reaction of multiple posters has been that this post graduate educated woman from South Korea must be “visa shopping”, having an “anchor baby” etc. So yes, I’d say that is making negative assumptions based on race and home country (as well as very ignorant assumptions).

Do you really think that would have been the reaction if the woman in this tale had been Swedish or German?

The boy has been feckless as well as telling his mother this tale in the most unpleasant and controlling way possible. He expects her to house them (presumably for free). What a prince. Just the kind of prince any well to do Korean family would want for their highly educated daughter I’m sure.

The Hague convention does consider the country of birth, but the deciding factor often depends more on the habitual residence of the child. So for example, if the child was born in S Korea but the parents set up home in the UK, that would be considered the child’s habitual residence. Either parent attempting to take the child back to S Korea could be considered child abduction. There was a heartbreaking thread a while ago on MN from a mum in Australia, in exactly this situation. She was stuck in Australia after the relationship broke down, because that was considered the habitual residence, even though the child was born in the UK.

This discussion shows the complexity of the situation, and confirms that the gift-wrapped pregnancy test was hugely inappropriate in these circumstances.

Yes, there is being forced to live on a separate continent to your child unless you can stump up tens of thousands of pounds at short notice. For instance.

I don’t see that as a first reaction anywhere here to be honest. I think it’s a logical consideration, and given the situation, would be a valid one wherever the mother was from. The poster in question has glossed over the fact that the girl being an overseas student is a major factor and complicates their situation, and has gone straight to insinuating that OP had a problem with the girls’ race, for which there is absolutely no evidence in any of OP’s posts.

Let me guess: “oh but that’s different”

Agree. And once again the reason for OP’s post has been lost in a sea of discussion about her perceived ‘hypocrisy’ given the age at which she gave birth to her DS, which is totally and utterly irrelevant. The irony probably isn’t lost on OP, but it’s not what she posted about. So many posters concentrating on t his with absolutely no thought to the reason OP is so horrified. Having become a mum at such a young age herself she’ll be only too aware of the difficulties ahead, and it’s probably the last thing she wanted for her son. Quite why posters should think that anything other than being thrilled and supportive is hypocrisy, is beyond me. MN is a nest of vipers these days.

Loads of people have suggested it is a visa baby. Highly unlikely given the size if the UK Korean diaspora, rhe UK being wayyyyy down the list of preferred visa countries for SK emigrants, and the general state of development in each country.

You were pregnant at 18 so hardly one to judge.

Well of course it is. It was twenty years ago, and having been through it herself, and appreciating the difficulties ahead, the OP is entitled to be concerned. Just because she had a baby in her teens doesn’t mean she should want the same thing for her son. This isn’t rocket science.

It clearly is very different. 20 years ago was the height of New Labour, sure start centres etc, not 15 years into Tory austerity and a decade post-Brexit with public services in tatters, apart from anything else. I know which I would choose to be a single mother in.

This is turning into a mantra. It’s totally irrelevant how young OP was when she had her DS. She knows how hard it is, and it’s probably the last thing she wanted for her son. She’s not judging, she’s concerned, and with good reason given the circumstances. And given the fact that he clearly hasn’t given any thought to what happens beyond the pregnancy, he doesn’t sound much like dad material. His actions so far indicate that he’s controlling and manipulative.

That’s statistics. What matters here is motivation, and we have no idea what’s going on beyond what OP has told us.