to be pissed off that my MIL is annoyed that my 15mo can talk?

[Spottedmirror]

My 15mo is becoming a chatty little thing. Lots of new words by the day and happily starting to sing the odd word on a song “quick, quick, quick” in Polly had a Dolly or “inkle!” in Twinkle Twinkle, that kind of thing.

LO is our PFB after over a decade of trying so we are VERY proud, but I’m very careful not to be too overbearing (I know how wearing that is on other people) whilst still remaining encouraging. Lots of “yes that’s right shoes” when she points at shoes and whatever else - surely just normal parenting?
(and if anything I think I consciously keep my voice down when parenting outside our home because I’m always so aware that I might hurt someone who wants a baby but isn’t where we are now).

SIL is coming back from Australia for an extended stay. We have yet to meet her little one who is 3 (due to being mid-miscarriage when they were last here). Her 3yo is a very active and happy child by all accounts but as yet doesn’t speak.

MIL is very annoyed that my LO can speak and is picking things up rapidly. Each time we FaceTime she is outright annoyed that my child is chatting away with us.
She sighs, rolls her eyes and says things like “she doesn’t stop talking!” and makes snide remarks like “maybe Mummy talks too much!” or “mummy should turn your pram round so you two aren’t always chatting!”

On Boxing Day via FaceTime she hinted that when we visit her house and DIL is there, we should try not to encourage our child to talk.
She was insinuating that our 15 month old was showing off.

I understand that BIL and DIL are possibly concerned about potential issues but that shouldn’t be taken out on our small child.

I was a bit shocked last night by the hints on the phone call and I was working last night so I’ve stewed over it a bit.
Surely I’m not unreasonable feel pissed off by this?

EDIT: should add if I wasn’t out the door to work as the call was happening, I’d have probably told her to repeat what she had said.

So your husband was raised in an abusive home and his mother is now making it intergenerational.
Toxic.
Your poor daughter being exposed to this.

Your husband has no business going near that house and you should be insisting on the very lowest of contact with his mother.

Clearly you are all a mere convenience to her because golden child lives in Oz.

You shouldn't be allowing yourself and your family to be used.
Take control of this situation.

Part of being a good lovjng parent is advocating for your child.
This is unlikely to be the only situation in your daughters life where you will need to ensure she is protected.

Your husband is an abused man in therapy.
Surely that should be a massive red flag for you?

Read up on FOG. Fear, obligation and guilt.
It is often part of the toxic legacy of abused scapegoated children.

Your husband is a wet lettuce partially due to years of abuse.

You should educate yourself because your own child is now being picked on by his toxic mother.

She's handling badly the fact that there is concern around the other grandchild's language development. I'd try to be sensitive to that. It's Christmas and we all have to go the extra mile to get along. Obviously not if someone is just a bitch, but this doesn't really sound like that, it just sounds like someone who doesn't handle worry well.

I totally understand.
I felt exactly the same when my eldest was a toddler. It was so hard.
I used to think it was something I was doing wrong as other toddlers seemed to speak so naturally.
He's 26 now and never spoken a word.
I still have times even now when I feel that pain.

She sighs, rolls her eyes and says things like “she doesn’t stop talking!” and makes snide remarks like “maybe Mummy talks too much!” or “mummy should turn your pram round so you two aren’t always chatting!”
I'd have told her to never diss me again in front of my child and left.

Shut it down. Everyone deserves to be encouraged and celebrated. My MIL has occasionally come out with a snide comment about our toddlers development or my parenting and I always hit back with fact and science.

I would give the visit 15/20 minutes to sus out if the MIL is going to be bonkers in person about your child, if she starts being weird or shushing your child, gather everything and leave. You and your DH are the childs protectors and you don't have to put up with this sort of behaviour no matter who they are.

Take a step back, why are you doing everything for her. Unless she's 92 years old or some other equally valid reason, you don't need to be this womans handmaiden!

It sounds like you are doing a great job with your child’s speech and language development. I wish more parents would as we are seeing so much S&L delay in schools these days.
Sounds like a horribly toxic situation with MIL & SIL for you and your husband. I can relate. Perhaps a very short visit. I wouldn’t worry about hurting their feelings as they don’t seem to be concerned about yours. Good luck with your daughter’s condition going forward.

Does she not understand that your child is her child’s child, just like this Australian grandchild is? She sounds pretty thick tbh.

Jesus that’s utterly ridiculous. Even if her other grandchild has issues there’s no reason for her to not want this GC to talk.

Is she a “children should be seen and not heard” person?

It makes no sense to me that anyone would want to discourage any child, let alone a grandchild, from being a sentient and happy human being.

She sounds thoroughly miserable and ignorant.

She sounds bonkers. You are doing exactly the right thing with DD. I remember taking baby dd to a funeral and getting some odd comments from older relatives about how I spoke to her like she was a person??! DD spoke sentences from 18 months. I’d get dh to speak to her. She sounds worried about none speaking child but that’s no reason to say odd things to you. I wouldn’t tolerate it. If she keeps on challenge her and see her less.

I wouldn't be able to help myself from saying something sharp back to MIL the next time she does this. She needs a reminder that DD is very young, won't remember to be quiet for long, and shouldn't have to stop talking just to protect the feelings of the adults around her. You can't exactly muzzle your daughter. She's a chatty toddler, and you can't prevent her from talking sometimes during your visit. It won't be the first time SIL has been around a talkative child. As long as you aren't going on about how much your daughter talks and how you never get any peace, etc, you're doing all you can to protect SIL's feelings, short of just not seeing her at all.

Sorry but it sounds like it goes way beyond this. It honestly sounds utterly spiteful.

Also she’s an adult and if she is concerned about the other child’s developmental issues she needs to get a grip and stop dumping on OP and her family.

No excuse.

Your Sil is the golden child and by extension so her child is the golden grandchild. Same happened to us. She never regarded my Ds as her ‘proper grandchild’. DS has proved to be very academic but anything he achieves is regarded as an affront to MIL and SIL so he is kept away as much as possible. It’s pathetic. DS talked early and often and MIL absolutely hated it. Which was mental but hey ho. Call her out or stay away. It won’t get better. The whole golden child thing can often be verging on a psychiatric illness so it won’t improve and you can’t change it.

@Spottedmirror it is tricky I think and I guess it is up to your DH to decide how to navigate this one as it goes beyond your DD being able to talk (and I have been there DD was a very early talker, very bright and switched on academically still is and at the same time age lost 3 NCT friends all of whom children who were delayed) but this seem to be more about the relationship between the siblings than cousins

You obviously know nothing about speech delays. It’s got nothing to do with the parents. It’s insulting and ignorant to make a comment like that. Idiot.

All kids are different - my niece was talking at 13 months, my son needed speech therapy from age 3 onwards but can talk the hind leg off a donkey now 😂
There will be some things that your nephew is MUCH more advanced for his age than your daughter is, but your MIL won't be aware of those...
Unless there are specific reasons for delays/deficits, most kids end up on pretty much the same level once they're at school age.

Ignore your batshit MIL if you can and just enjoy your daughter and nephew spending time learning about each other 😀

OP my eldest was severely speech delayed (didn’t start to try to speak until 2 1/2 and still at age 6 is often misunderstood, still in speech therapy and still has a hard time talking).

My second child was like yours and speaking in sentences by age 2, lots of words etc. We actively encouraged this, included his older brother in teaching him new words and never made it a thing between them.

Your MIL is deranged and seriously nasty. If ANYONE told my child to stop speaking when I know the hell of having a child that struggles to speak they’d be getting short thrift from me. I’d see SIL without bitchy MIL there.

I would be making sure your child has as little exposure to MIL as possible. It must be so worrying that her other grandchild hasn't spoken yet but crushing your daughter's spirit won't change anything. Your SIL may not actually care at all about what other children are doing, it might be entirely MIL making the comparison and getting affronted by it.

A very bright and successful academic colleague of mine tells me that he said nothing until he was three and watched the milk float do something unusual and asked why it had done that.

YABU to take any notice of your MIL. She is clearly not mentally well as who would stop a 15 mo to stop
talking or suggest a mother can speak too much to their child. You should not be pissed off with the ramblings of a mad woman. It is wasted energy. There will be no reasoning with her so why bother. If you want to keep contact with her then get used to the phrase - you know what grandma is like whenever she says anything so ridiculous. Your daughter is clearly very switched on and will quickly work out her grandmother is a wally. You don’t need to be worried about her being upset because her primary care givers give her the praise and encouragement she needs.

Don’t give your MIL another thought. Just enjoy chatting to your lo.

She sounds nasty and like she thinks children should be seen and not heard. Possibly a gendered element too, no one calls boys 'forward'. ignore her (or reduce contact if she keeps doing it in front of dd and it could affect her). Don't let it stop your dh meeting his nephew though, that would be a shame.

Of course it's sensible to be sensitive around parents whose 3 yo isn't talking as that must be worrying, but by that I just mean not gushing about how many words she can say. You don't need to stop talking to her! My DC were late walking, worryingly so at the time in the case of DD. I didn't expect people to stop their child walking near mine or pretend they couldn't walk!

There is nothing at all to suggest that OP is not compassionate. MIL is making it about OP's child, and doing so in a very negative way. I would not trust MIL to be alone with OP's child.

This post removes all the responsibility from the grandmother to behave in a way that is friendly and decent. Words don't just come out of our mouths, and you can expect to reap what you sow in life.

Grannie's being horrible, and whilst not likely to affect a baby, if she's setting these sorts of comparisons up as the future norm, then op's kid will grow up having a negative slant slapped on everything she achieves.