to be pissed off that my MIL is annoyed that my 15mo can talk?

[Spottedmirror]

My 15mo is becoming a chatty little thing. Lots of new words by the day and happily starting to sing the odd word on a song “quick, quick, quick” in Polly had a Dolly or “inkle!” in Twinkle Twinkle, that kind of thing.

LO is our PFB after over a decade of trying so we are VERY proud, but I’m very careful not to be too overbearing (I know how wearing that is on other people) whilst still remaining encouraging. Lots of “yes that’s right shoes” when she points at shoes and whatever else - surely just normal parenting?
(and if anything I think I consciously keep my voice down when parenting outside our home because I’m always so aware that I might hurt someone who wants a baby but isn’t where we are now).

SIL is coming back from Australia for an extended stay. We have yet to meet her little one who is 3 (due to being mid-miscarriage when they were last here). Her 3yo is a very active and happy child by all accounts but as yet doesn’t speak.

MIL is very annoyed that my LO can speak and is picking things up rapidly. Each time we FaceTime she is outright annoyed that my child is chatting away with us.
She sighs, rolls her eyes and says things like “she doesn’t stop talking!” and makes snide remarks like “maybe Mummy talks too much!” or “mummy should turn your pram round so you two aren’t always chatting!”

On Boxing Day via FaceTime she hinted that when we visit her house and DIL is there, we should try not to encourage our child to talk.
She was insinuating that our 15 month old was showing off.

I understand that BIL and DIL are possibly concerned about potential issues but that shouldn’t be taken out on our small child.

I was a bit shocked last night by the hints on the phone call and I was working last night so I’ve stewed over it a bit.
Surely I’m not unreasonable feel pissed off by this?

EDIT: should add if I wasn’t out the door to work as the call was happening, I’d have probably told her to repeat what she had said.

“That’s a rather big song for a little girl” does not translate to “you shouldn’t be talking”

MIL is worried about the other GC and how that child's parents are coping. She's worried your little chatterbox will really upset them when they are having problems. But really nothing you can do about it, you have to think about your child first and encouraging them to talk is important, suddenly behaving as if you don't want them to talk would be very confusing.

It also sounds as though she is jealous of you and your child chatting when you are meant to be concentrating on talking to her. Oh well.

This may well be the case for DN, he is apparently very bright.
He comes from a home where 3 languages are spoken, so there has been talk that when he does start speaking (and the people who have assessed him speak of it as a “when” not an “if”) that he is likely to be an “accelerated learner”.

How can she take it anything other than personally? Her MIL is being really unkind about her small child, it is personal.

She is being ridiculous.

My now 19yo DS didn't speak properly because he had verbal dyspraxia until he was nearly 4.. he kind of had his own 'sounds' that were gibberish but didn't speak actual recognisable words at all for a long time.

Then he turned into a chatter box and hasn't shut up since...

At no point was i EVER upset that my younger DD was talking before he was, or that my niece spoke before he did, or any of my friends kids at his nursery did.. i KNEW DS was delayed for whatever reason (turned out to be dyspraxia and autism), but that didn't take away from anyone else's achievements or any of the milestones he DID hit on time or early.

Speak to your SIL about it to gauge her feelings on the matter as MIL has you concerned, and tell your MIL that maybe she should take a leaf of her other grandchild's book and say less.

Your SIL's child will speak when they're ready in whatever way they choose to communicate.

Exactly.

There's two sides to every story and obviously we'll only ever hear one.

But I do think there's a bit of a grey area that the OP either can't see or can't accept.

Rarely is there a story where it's all one-sided and the other person is 100% right.

DS was completely non-speaking until 4 and a half, and it really felt like a gut punch when I could hear babies as young as 9 months babbling words and sentences, so I can understand if your MIL is actually experiencing a sort of anticipatory grief that her other grandchild might never speak, but it's absolutely horrible for her to make such disgusting remarks like maybe mummy talks too much. Maybe not just for the reasons she thinks too. It is rather insinuating that whilst you seem to talk a lot to your child, SIL doesn't talk enough to her child, which is probably far from the truth.

She should work on encouraging communication with her other grandchild in ways that meet their communication style and preferences rather than bringing you and your child down because of a developmental delay.

It's not fair to say well this child doesn't have a voice, so your child can't have one either. It should be your child has a voice, this one doesn't, how can we make sure they're included whilst not excluding anybody else.

I had to physically blink to clear my eyes to make sure I was reading correctly. Your MIL is making PREPOSTEROUS completely insane remarks about your child's speech. Take not even the blinders bit of notice and carry on as you are.

She is totally the golden child.
She was quite awful to DH when they were children and teenagers (frighteningly so) and got away with it as “that’s just the way she is!”.

DH has tried to distance himself from her as an adult, hence why he hasn’t met his DN until now but he feels guilty for that.
No one in his family has noticed his deliberate separation from her.

We even sometimes wait until the day after they’ve booked a trip over from oz and quickly book a trip elsewhere in the world and say “no way! You should have said earlier, we booked Brazil a few weeks ago.”

Yes I know DH should probably just cut contact but it’s long and complex and he’s in therapy for a lot of it.

I still do understand their worry regarding DN.

I dont understand how the response to more Mary Poppins suggests anything about not speaking.

Was she wanting to talk to you and/or dh and you kept stopping to respond to dd? (Understandable but could be annoying if you're on otherside of the facetime).

Your dn's parents will be worried about not talking yet but other younger children talking must be something they experience very regularly.

I'm sure the three year old's parents are knee deep in various assessments for his developmental delay (they certainly should be) and it's very stressful for them.

But your MIL resenting other children speaking is nonsense.

Sorry it doesn’t, it was in reply to the show off thing.
There was more to it but as I say I was one foot out the door but it wasn’t the first time she’s said stuff about DD showing off.
For instance DD went to a birthday party and came back with a wand and signing (more babbling) one of the Frozen songs and MIL said something along the lines of “tut tut, very forward!” because she kept running up and waving the wand and shouting “saaaaaaaaayyyyy!”

Nobody would be telling me i talk to my child too much. Cheeky bitch. If she was worried about her dd being upset she should use her big girl words and say that. I wouldn't be helping her either but i've got to the age were you only get out what you put in.

If I had a pound for every time.i was told Einstein didnt speak until he was five I would be very rich
Unfortunately some children who are non speaking at three will never speak, some will gain speech but its a very worrying time for parents.

I wouldn’t be stopping my child from talking…but perhaps you could be less “performative” about it when around them!!?and by that I mean…less of this - “Lots of “yes that’s right shoes” when she points at shoes and whatever else - surely just normal parenting?”
you know that and the usual “yes darling can you say FISH?” That’s a lovely blue fish can you say BLUE FISH?… no one needs that in those situations.

Is SIL even bothered? You don’t mention her being remotely arsed about your child’s language, rather MIL is upset and thinks you’re rubbing it in DIL’s face? Unless you’re saying how amazing your child is due to speech directly to DIL then you’re obviously not doing anything wrong.

My 5 year old is non verbal so I understand how upsetting it can be, especially when you’re around much younger children who do communicate with language. Unless a relative was actively going out of their way to boast about their child’s speech, I wouldn’t be remotely bothered.

Not everyone who is encouraging their childs speech is a performative parent.
Op sounds very thoughtful unlike her mil.

Does your MIL have some gender preference going on?

Like she feels she loves a grandson better, or wants to be more 'proud' of having a GS than than a granddaughter, so has decided that GD talking is an annoyance to her because she wants to be able to 'show off' her GS more than her GD. I have a feeling she wouldn't be as annoyed if the genders were the other way around, I get the feeling there could be some internalised misogyny in her 'talking too much', 'mummy talks too much' thing, like a little boy talking a lot is clever, but a little girl talking a lot is 'ugh, gossipy, women who talk too much' (when research shows women do not talk half as much as men think they do)

Do you have a sense of how your SIL feels about this and could you talk to her? Because maybe if MIL is being annoyed on her daughter's behalf, a message from her saying 'You seem to be very down on GS' talking, you don't have to do that, especially not on my behalf' might help.

Yes I wouldn’t be entertaining this at all. In fact she needs to be confronted about what exactly her problem is. Ask her directly. She should be ashamed at herself, she’s clearly showing favorites here and you should be upset.

Your MIL is very wrong and very unpleasant. She is deliberately mean to a small child who meets normal milestones and behave normally, and this child is her grand kid too.
Her attitude is not helping to SIL either because MIL practically implies that talking at 15 months is not normal which it is. She also demonstrates really nasty attitude to you by implying that it’s you showing off.
I think your DH should tell MIL that her comments are very inappropriate , that’s it’s NORMAL to talk at 15 months and if she is not happy you won’t visit, the key is to be serious and calm because you don’t want to argue, and offer her not to visit as an option. However I would warn MIL that you would tell SIL the real reason for not visiting.
Maybe you can see her and her family somewhere without MIL?

My child has additional needs and wasn’t talking at 15 months sadly so I know how painful and difficult it’s for parents but I didn’t try to shut up other children around my daughter.

This is really sad. My pfb was talking extremely well around two in sentences. Sometimes we wished he would shut up. My second child wasn't talking at 3. Turned out he has a severe language disorder. My 3rd child didn't talk until 7. I thought he would never talk. My dd had a severe delay at 3.5 ( thank God she is a clever chatterbox now).

Not being able to communicate and even worse, not understanding what is said to you means you are in separate worlds.

Your mil needs to realise that just because your lovely dd is advanced is not the reason her other dgc can't talk yet.

The day my 7 year spoke his first words was the best day of my life. Something I had totally taken for granted with my first child.

Your dd sounds wonderful and mil is the worst kind of batshit. I have never felt bad seeing kids do well. There's a sadness as it always pulls to contrast with my third child but that's sadness. Not bitterness.

Your dd sounds wonderful and my eldest early talker is super clever. Too clever really 😅 enjoy her

After this your update I would probably won’t say anything to MIL, visit and call her out straight away if she would say something to you or your child.

You're not unreasonable and I wouldn't be taking my child round to be exposed to that dynamic.

Being around your chatty child could even encourage the 3 year old to speak. My experience of young children is they copy other children.

I wouldn't go and would keep my child away. The comparing will never end.