I’ve ended it like you all said. Feel sick

[christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem]

Name change but posted before about my relationship which is awful on paper - but in reality when its good it’s great when it’s anything it’s terrible.

im sick with anxiety, im autistic and struggle with endings. Ive been awake all night. So confused sad and hurt but also a very slight relief.

ex was absolutely flamed last time I posted. How do I get through the coming days without all this anxiety any tips from wise mumsnet are appreciated

thsnk you

Congratulate yourself I reckon.
Block his number so you’re not tempted to communicate with him.
Look after yourself.
Leaving is difficult, you’ve done the hardest part, keep going, don’t look back.

The slight relief you feel is the sign which tells you you're on the right track. Think of it as a little green shoot in early spring, and let it be where your attention rests. With time, the tiny glimmers of relief will occur more frequently; trust them and rest.

Hang in there, OP. Baby steps, one foot in front of the other and one day -or even hour, at this stage- at a time.

Perhaps you have to accept that the anxiety is a normal side effect for you. Acknowledge that the next few days will be difficult. Make plans to keep busy so you don’t have too
much time to dwell on this and as PP said, congratulate yourself on doing something you knew would be hard but necessary.

Hello, lovely, I am not sure I read your last thread, but I am sending you some supportive vibes.

I left a relationship which I found controlling and difficult over a decade ago and I can still remember the sickening anxiety which I felt. I think it was because I was so used to doing what he wanted and was worried about having stepped outside my box, so to speak. It did take quite a lot of getting over (and because we had a DC together, then there was a lot of what might be called legal abuse, him using the legal system to try and tie me in knots and run me financially and emotionally dry). In other words, it was initially awful but I would not go back now for all the world.

I think it takes a lot to unpick a bad relationship and rediscover yourself, so the bit you need to hold on to and let grow is the relief. It is a journey to find who you are again without the pressure of whatever your ex’s expectations were.

Anxiety can be helped by practicing breathing techniques or if it is persistent, speak to your GP. I had CBT which I did not find very useful but some people do. I found talking to someone weekly was helpful (I was able to access counselling through my work). For insomnia, which I also had, I listened to podcasts (I particularly like Tara Brach’s teachings, she has some talks on anxiety and fear and has a nice speaking style which I now can use to fall asleep whenever I am stressed!). If I don’t sleep much, I remember I can cope on not much sleep and just avoid driving. I took up a couple of sports and now I also go to the gym, I found getting in touch with my body and what it can do good for confidence. I like walking as well. These things are harder if you have small children of course, but if you can find something to do for yourself which allows you to grow creatively and develop away from your ex. If you have friends or family you can reach out to, do so. Most of all, enjoy the freedom to become who you are, not who someone else wants you to be.

I hope that is some help and I wish you well.

How often was it good and how often bad? When bad was it dreadful? One good day out of 364 isn't worth it

Hopefully you ended the relationship because YOU wanted to. Not because of an anonymous poll on the Internet

What are you anxious about? That you've made the wrong decision and shouldn't have ended it?

If so, I'd suggest making a list of why you ended the relationship (the reasons) and read it regularly

Get out into fresh air. Do things you love to do. Exercise. Eat lots of healthy foods. Create joy. Don't dwell.

4 - 7 - 8 breathing

Read The Chimp Paradox and realise that it is just because the human brain hates change of any sort. It wants everything to stay the same no matter what, even if it is predictably awful.

The "chimp" part of your brain is in full-on survival mode screaming "change!!! Is change!! Change bad!!"

Meanwhile your "human" more evolved part of your brain needs to step in: "yes chimp, it is change, and you are throwing anxiety because you don't like it. I have thought carefully, analysed the situation and rest assured have made the right decision."

It's your nervous system trying to keep everything predictable that's all.

xxxx

Keep pushing forward, don’t go back.

Ending relationships is always hard, those who have found it easy are in the vast minority.

What you’re experiencing is normal. You swing between wondering if you’ve done the right thing or not. You know the relationship wasn’t healthy but you wish you could keep the best of it. You wonder if that’s as good as it’ll get, whether you’ll meet anyone else. Whether it was in your head and actually it was a good relationship. How you’ll get through the next weeks and months on your own. What you’ll tell people.

These thoughts are all very common! But you’ll make it like the billions before you. You’ll get through it and come out the other side.

Good for you. You deserve true happiness, respect and contentment, you couldn’t get that in your last relationship.

Yes to the list as PP suggested - have a read when you feel like looking back with rose tinted specs.

Thank you. This resonates. Ex is going through a lot right now especially with family so I’ll be 100% be made out to be the bad guy and “the one who left them alone at a time of need” I tried to do this weeks ago and got similar backlash. It’s annoying because I’m not at all the type of person to drop somebody especially when they’re low. But the arguing is just none stop and it seems inevitable we’re headed for a split.

Don’t think of it as an ending
think of it as clearing away the clutter towards a new beginning

Yes you will feel bad, yes your sleep will get disrupted - you need to accept that and treat yourself extra special and get plenty of exercise - vigorously if possible

id make some lists

list why you needed to split
list what you need to do next
list of things you will look forward to

Congratulations yourself how amazing strong you are. Make sure you block his number. Now find out about yourself...what have you always wanted to do but never have, be it write a book, sleep more, travel, learn pottery, do a sport, anything you wanted to secret do. Best thing I've ever done was do a community college cookery course which has led me to the most supportive group of female friends. No one has gossiped of been nasty we just support each other and there's been a lot of support needed including a lot of anxiety. We've done other courses (they free) at the community course including a stress one which was amazing and it's really helped us.

This is great. I do struggle with change.

if anyone remembers the previous threads, it’s the one where I pay for everything including their friends and have now lost my business. Very volatile Bi-polar tendencies (undiagnosed). Plethora of mental health problems. Arguing over small things none stop, but great sex and get along very very well when the mood is high.

they’re just now getting a job after a year, and their own place, so annoyingly I’ve ended it just as things are potentially looking up.

the split came about as I pointed out I found something disrespectful and got about 15 texts about me being unreasonable and “controlling” for bringing it up. Followed by we need a break and if not then a break up to which I said let’s make it a break up.

Well done, you've done the hardest bit! Don't throw away that progress by going back (then having to go through the pain of ending it again next time it escalates).

In terms of managing the anxiety, the first step is to really acknowledge that you have anxiety and what you're feeling right now is just the anxiety talking, and does not mean you've done anything wrong.

Do you have any friends or family you could spend time with, keeping busy might help. Maybe find a project at home you can throw yourself into. In the months after leaving exH, I redecorated half my house and upgraded the garden. It felt good to be busy and make my space feel like my own.

Perfect. An early mental health spring clean.

Whenever you remember the good times, remind yourself that a gorgeous cocktail with all your favourite ingredients will still kill you if there's a spoonful of strychnine in it.

Your relationship had more than a spoonful of poison in it, and so it was just as deadly.

The more you think about it the more likely you will feel bad and change your mind.

When I lost a loved one, I found it helpful to block out the thoughts and.have an allocated time to look at them e.g. 5pm. Usually while makong dinner. Then I could wallow, think, whatever. Any other time the sadness came to mind I literally told myself it wasn't the time to think about it.

It sounds really robotic but the schedule really helped me cope and helped me retrain my brain into thinking about other things.

It also helps me to mark time.

Tell yourself you'll feel better after 1 week, then 2, then 3 and by 3 months you'll be fine. You've done 1 day, you can do 2, you've done 2, you can do 3.

A day is 16 hours awake time. Who do you plan to fill your time? An hours walk, hour of meal prep, 4 hours tv (find a great series) an hour in the bath, an hour reading. Do it hour by hour.

they’re just now getting a job after a year, and their own place, so annoyingly I’ve ended it just as things are potentially looking up.

beware, this is a very common trait - the abuser will always go out of their way to show you how successful they are without you. They are doing it deliberately to rub your nose in it and rub salt into the wounds "I'm so much better without you".

leave them to it. Why didn't they get their act together a year ago, it was because you were there, doing the heavy lifting.

If you've genuinely ended the relationship now, draw a line in the sand, and block them on everything. Don't allow yourself to be tempted to find out what they're doing and how their life has changed. Focus 100% on you, your life, your success, your goals. They haven't added anything to your happiness, so let them go and be strong in cutting them out of your thoughts,

Congratulations!!
I've read your previous posts and was willing you to stand up for yourself and see your worth.
They gave you the opening and you grasped it as you know it's for the best. Get your own life back on track and if anyone gives you grief over leaving when they need you, tell them you need to focus on yourself for a while as you're in a tough place right now.
This time of worry will pass and you should be proud of yourself.

We are on the cusp of a New Year. What plans can you make to look forward to 2026 being a truly great and memorable (and happy) year for you? Good luck!

Hmm I think I vaguely remember your other post, your ex is same sex? It did seem they were really taking advantage of you. Not a good relationship.

Well done for putting yourself first. You’re stronger than you realise.

When my marriage ended I thought I wouldnt get over it (exh had affair), but actually it was the making of me and after initial shock and fear of unknown future, I was much happier and you will be too. You feel relief because you have been relieved of a bad relationship. A burden lifted you are free. Hold onto those feelings of relief.

Good luck- keep looking forward, not back.