I’ve ended it like you all said. Feel sick

[christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem]

Name change but posted before about my relationship which is awful on paper - but in reality when its good it’s great when it’s anything it’s terrible.

im sick with anxiety, im autistic and struggle with endings. Ive been awake all night. So confused sad and hurt but also a very slight relief.

ex was absolutely flamed last time I posted. How do I get through the coming days without all this anxiety any tips from wise mumsnet are appreciated

thsnk you

Well done OP.

Anxiety and that horrible sick feeling is normal right now. It feels like a huge step in your life - and if you are a worrier and over-thinker then you are naturally going to worry about doing this. But the anxiety will pass.

First things first, focus on some things that you enjoy doing and that you know are comforting when you do them. Spend a bit of time building up your self-care bank - as you have given so much to other people, that you now need to build yourself back up.

The other thing to remember is that people will say and think what they want to - it doesn't mean that they are right, or that it's true. It's perfectly truthful to tell people that he was the one that suggested breaking up.

Op you have done amazing

Go easy on yourself

Keep posting
We are here for you 💕❤️💕

Previous posters have given some really good advice - all I'd add is to keep reminding yourself that the bit of this your brain is struggling with is the change, not the loss of the frequently abusive ex. And as hard as you might find them you will have managed your way through changes in the past, so you'll manage your way through this one as well.

Oh, Christ! I remember your posts! They genuinely haunted me. Some of the saddest stuff I’ve ever read on here.

WELL DONE ENDING IT! If it makes you feel any better, what you’ve described is pretty much her dumping you (or, at least, a mutual breakup).

Now, please block and delete. Tell as many people in your life as possible that it’s over (getting it out there often makes things more ‘real’). And look into therapy? Something like Betterhelp?

Well done.

Remember that our brains like what they're used to. The familiar, patterns, habits.

Even when they are toxic, harmful, even abusive.

Women will pick one abusive partner after another. Get together with an alcoholic after growing up with an alcoholic father. Familiar patterns, what we recognise, these feel normal. Even safe. When they are anything but.

Change is something we can so often fear, resist, feel uncomfortable with, even when it's for the better.

And when those patterns change, when what we were used to has ended - that can feel unsettling, frightening, anxiety-inducing.

Did they have a tendency to tell you nobody else will love you like I do, you'll never find anybody else, you're useless without me?

That voice can echo in your mind - but It. Isn't. True.

You need time to process this change. See your GP about the initial anxiety rush. Don't self medicate.

Do you have family, friends, colleagues hobbies, interests, sports and activities? Start focussing your attention and interest over there.

Block everywhere and beware any attempts to hoover you back in.

the split came about as I pointed out I found something disrespectful and got about 15 texts about me being unreasonable and “controlling” for bringing it up. Followed by we need a break and if not then a break up to which I said let’s make it a break up.

That was said with the thought that you would immediately back down in fear of losing them, basically a threat that if you didn't toe the line then you'd lose them. Quite a common technique with controlling abusive partners.

Backfired spectacularly didn't it?

I got back to being me after a similar breakup by slowing my breathing every time I had anxiety and remembering who and what I was before I met him. I then tried to 'inhabit' that person again.

Often, I had to do this 100 times a day but it was less exhausting than living with him. Eventually the two entities became me again and the breath work helped ease the anxiety.

I would have been painted as the villain of the piece too but I was so down and injured by him, I no longer cared. I was putting me first for the first time in four years. The fact that he hasn't had anyone stick around since will exonerate me in his family's eyes hopefully but in my heart, I don't give a rap. They know they have spawned a monster as they have all had issues with him I discovered.

You feel sick because you let a bunch of strangers on the internet talk you into breaking up with your real life partner

Did you read her previous thread?

Bloody hell, you must be the partner. Stalker alert!

@Lightswitchy with respect, that is not what is happening here. Please dont try to persuade the OP that she is wrong for leaving a relationship that had reduced her to a shadow of her self.

I haven't persuaded them to do nothing! Projection much!

Did you read the previous thread?

Not sure if this might be helpful to hear - but it's absolutely not just you who feels like this immediately after a break-up. People are rarely completely certain and all relationships had good bits to lament the loss of, we tend to focus on these bits once we've actually ended it.

It's really normal to feel this way and it will diminish.

Everyone else will get over it. People break up all the time, you're allowed to break up for any reason you like, you don't need anyone else's approval or permission.

I too hope that you ended this for you and not because an anonymous forum told you to do so.

Chin up, by this time next year you won't be thinking about it at all.

If you had read her earlier thread, you'd be in no doubt that this relationship was utterly toxic and exhausting and has ruined OP financially (hopefully just for now). It wasn't just one of those "Oh, he didn't put the bins out / admire your new hairdo" LTB scenarios.

WELL DONE OP I know you've really struggled with this for a long time.

As someone who had many years of similarly dramatic/destructive relationships, I have a theory that part of the appeal was that it distracted me from working out what to do with myself. There was no need to work out what I wanted from life, what I enjoyed doing, etc, when there was always a new crisis to deal with. Plus, the rewarding bits (sex, mostly! - but also crazy fun) made it all seem worthwhile... until something else cropped up to remind me it really, really wasn't.

It's the perfect time of year for new resolutions (you don't have to wait for 1 Jan!). What can you cultivate in yourself? You need to find your centre.

Your ex being on the cusp of a new start is a good thing: you can use this to reassure yourself that you needn't worry for her. However, be aware that her life will always be a series of chaotic highs and lows and spectacular crashes, and it is wise to distance yourself. Anyone who does not understand why you need to do so can fuck off. Perhaps they will find out for themselves at some point, when it starts to impact them more directly.

It's not your job to pick up the pieces of someone else's life. You now have a lot of pieces to pick up in your own. Don't get distracted from that.

For some reasons (presumably rooted in childhood), you and I take on responsibility for other people's chaos. There is absolutely no need to do so, but it's hard to override that feeling that someone else's welfare is your primary responsibility. I only managed this by isolating myself completely from the world, and eventually finding someone who looks out for me 100% so I can relax, knowing that having no boundaries is not going to get me into trouble.

You're poured so much loving care into another person's life, and now you must gently turn that focus on yourself. Your own happiness is your real responsibility in life. You've been neglecting that; that's why you feel so uneasy. Make this your goal.

It might sound odd, but for this sort of thing doing Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way can help to locate the stuff that makes us tick.

That's the crux of it - now the OP may have been absolutely right to do what she did, or absolutely wrong, this we will never know.

We don't know anything about the realities of the OPs relationship, it was in a bad patch, but maybe as she herself says, could have been on a trajectory to improve - now she will never know.

The problem with taking random strangers advice on line on these issues, is that sadly, many of them have had truly awful experiences in abusive / coercive relationships, and project onto someone else's situation with cries of "leave the bastard" sometimes they are right, sometimes wrong - we can never know.

Either way, good luck OP, you have made your choice - go forward into '26 and make the best of it.

I like using a ‘mantra’ if I’m feeling anxious about bc something. I’m not at all spiritual or anything but find have a go to thing to say to my brain helps me.
You could try something like repeating to yourself “I’ve been strong, I’m proud of myself and I know I’ve done the right thing.Im going to be OK”

Then when your brain is playing up with anxiety you can repeat your mantra. Obviously chose whatever you want. Keep it short.

I used one once for very a different thing and it was “It’s not my fault, I can’t change what other people do and I’m doing the best I can”. I found it calming.

Anyway I hope you understand what I mean but if not just ignore my post😅.

You’ve done the right thing and you know you have. (Maybe that could be your mantra!)

after flying off the handle about me saying I found it to be a double standard as they’d kicked off on me for something nowhere near as disrespectful and I genuinely didn’t think it was an issue, the messages were “do you really want to take it there? Do you think I’m going to put up with this from you? Is this really where you want to take it because we can so don’t start” I feel like that was the nail in the coffin for me hanging the threat over ending it. They technically ended it, I just said I agree.

I will read through messages properly shortly, just with DC trying to keep it together. I’m having terrible palpitations and already been under cardiology so I don’t want this horrible tight chest to continue!

op came here because she needed help and advice which she listened too and then made up her own mind because that’s what people do. It’s what this forum is for. She would have known if the advice was wrong .

she doesn’t feel bad because she listened to others - she feel bad because it’s a big change, it’s normal to have worries and fears and doubts at this time

could have been on an improving trajectory- and this could be the wrong choice - that’s life - things are not 100% certain so you make the best choice with the facts you have and the probability is that she has made the right choice. Because warning signs early in a relationship do mean trouble and autistic people in particular can be used by manipulating men. Often more trusting / more trusting of words. And I suspect that’s why she wonders if things could have been improving - he recognised a risk she might leave

I'd normally agree with you, but you might understand better if you'd read her original thread. It was not a "bad patch" it was an abusive, manipulative relationship that has severely impacted her well-being on all levels.

Edited to remove the thread link as OP might not want the dots joined up here (name change)!

Morning!

Didn't read your previous thread but we'll done for leaving a relationship you weren't happy in, regardless of why.

1. If you're feeling sick, lonely or miserable do NOT compare last week or last month to now. He will have had his nice points and been normal and lovely at times (hence why you hoped he would come good) so your instinct will be too compare those nice sweet times to the misery and loneliness you might be feeling now. NO! You compare before to 6 weeks down the line, to 3 months, to next year, to 2 years down the line. Don't compare how your feeling now, because this sick feeling is only temporary. You compare then to further down the line when you'll be happy, and settled being single, and going out with friends, and relaxed, and secure, and confident. And going shopping spending your money on what YOU want, not having to feel you justify it to him, and laughing at what YOU want on TV, and doing what pleases you and not him.....compare being with him to future times of confidence and security.

1. Change his name in your phone to "DON'T DO IT" or "YOU DESERVE BETTER". That way even if he's already blocked, in s moment of weakness or vulnerability, if you decide to phone him and know his number off by heart, when you type it into your phone it'll come up on the screen saying "DON'T DO IT" as a nice reminder for you to stay strong and not in danger of keeling.

1. Until you start enjoying being single and on your own you might have to FORCE yourself to enjoy it. This was something I really had to teach myself to do. I would do this that I knew people in relationships or married with children couldn't do (or would find it difficult to do). Spend 3 hours in the bath topping the bit water up while reading a good book and eating Dairy Milk? Check! I didn't appreciate the luxury at first so would just sit there miserable and hating it. And a lot of the first times were me just sat in the bath sobbing and feeling sorry for myself for a full hour. Then after a bit I started to appreciate the rest, the chill out and the bubbles and his book. And after a while or was something I chose to do, wanted to do, and would sit there with bubbles up around my neck feeling very smug, luxurious and pampered. Couldn't have done that if I'd still been with Knobhead. I would also come home from work on Friday teatime and rather than feel sorry for myself I didn't have anyone to go out with and would be spending the evening alone I would make a big OTT effort to have "Movie night" where I'd clear the couch, bring the duvet down, put on clean fluffy PJs, bung a pizza in the oven, and watch a favourite film, and even sleep the night on the sofa like a tweenager having a camp out in the living room. I've even had Movie Nghts on a Tuesday before which is s bit odd waking up and having to go to work next day but it all adds to the randomness that you couldn't really have in a relationship.

So yep, that's my advice to get you through the first few weeks when it's easier to go back to someone just because it's easier than wading through to the other side. These days/weeks/months are the hardest but you will get through them. I hope this tips will help you get through them and the land on the side to be a much more positive, empowered, happier one. We don't just want ok, we want wonderful don't we? Teach yourself to find that.

Good luck!! xx

Let yourself grieve, but also keep yourself busy so you dont wallow and remember that you have a life without this man.

Go easy on yourself. Sorry if this has already been suggested (I've committed the sin of not reading every post), but maybe try some guided meditations for the anxiety. There are so many on YouTube now and can be quite specific - there will be ones for letting go or ending something for sure.

Definitely look back on your original thread. We have a terrible knack of minimising the bad things in our own minds and second guessing ourselves once they're finished.

Give yourself time and self compassion - you'll get through this.

God this made me cry. I could’ve written it myself. Thank you so much

I remember that thread. You have 100% done the right thing.

Can you get off your phone/devices and get out with your kids today? I find nature/the sea/rivers very calming. Try and have a wholesome day. Practise some breathing. You should be really proud of yourself for doing this. But yes it will make you anxious in the short term.

Ahh. Ok. Well that's teach me to not reply before I find the other thread!!