I’ve ended it like you all said. Feel sick

[christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem]

Name change but posted before about my relationship which is awful on paper - but in reality when its good it’s great when it’s anything it’s terrible.

im sick with anxiety, im autistic and struggle with endings. Ive been awake all night. So confused sad and hurt but also a very slight relief.

ex was absolutely flamed last time I posted. How do I get through the coming days without all this anxiety any tips from wise mumsnet are appreciated

thsnk you

But I think your advice was sound! As you said, it's baby steps: make sure you plan a nice breakfast to get out of bed for, an evening that you will enjoy. Treat yourself as you would a sick child who needs extra fuss and treats. "Fake it till you make it" is a good way of looking at it: if you can rely on yourself to behave kindly to yourself, sooner or later you'll start to trust yourself more.

Concentrate hard on that relief you feel.

Relationships can be like a habit. And like breaking any habit that's bad for you, you need to take time. Every day without them is a day nearer full recovery, even though it's hard.

You will be all right. Your life will be better. Focus on that and take baby steps towards that future.

posted before about my relationship which is awful on paper - but in reality when its good it’s great when it’s anything it’s terrible.
That is the literal definition of the cycle of abuse.

also things are not looking uo now just because it looks like he is getting a job, because it doesn't change what he has done to you, or his personality.

well done. Block him and make plans to fill your days.

Threatening to leave is also a tactic of an abuser.

Like others have said, this is the hardest part and there’s some good advice here.

I’m currently on Day 6 officially of No Contact after a shitty breakup and it’s HARD! There is so much good information out there - and if you need something to listen to which usually stops me spirally, you could try Mel Robbins who has an honest episode about No Contact with her daughter after a spilt, Sabrina Zohar who talks a million miles an hour or Dad Hugs for Your Soul, a British relationship coach who’s advice I’m following.

You can do this!

Breaking up with someone is stressful, even if it's the right thing. You will feel sick with anxiety. It's an absolutely horrible feeling, which is why people often persist with bad situations, rather than go through the short-term pain of making a change.
Just keep saying to yourself, "This is short-term pain, long-term gain. I was strong enough to make the break and I'm strong enough to get through this. This will pass. This will pass."

Remember this - doubt will inevitably set it when you're feeling sad or lonely. That is ok! It does NOT mean you did the wrong thing. Both things can be true that you're sad/lonely but that you did the right thing and ended a horrible abusive relationship.

It might help if you link to your previous thread, so we could remind you of what we said then and why you have made the right decision.

That slight relief you feel will grow and grow the further down the line you go. Seems scary now but you're doing the right thing for you, if the relationship is wrong it's time to get out. Look after yourself OP, and be kind to yourself too.

I’m also autistic and I really struggle with endings, Big decisions, big changes and feeling like I’ve let somebody down, so somebody can treat me absolutely terribly and then if I feel like I’ve let them down I feel awful and I can’t see past my own awfulness to see that this is what needs to happen. This has caused me to put up with a lot of bad situations for far too long in my life. I’ve also felt like if I end something I’ll never have that happiness again and then years down the line I will understand that actually I wasn’t happy at all. I have a husband now who is an imperfect but kind and good person and who’s willing to change and learn and grow and I can see clearly how toxic my past relationships have been. The anxiety just wants to keep you where you’ve been because it’s what you know. It will fade over time.

As soon as I read your post I was hoping that you were that poster. Your posts really stayed with me and I have often thought about what it would take for you to leave.

I am so pleased you have taken that step to get out of what was clearly a very abusive relationship. Please do not go back, however much she or her family try to guilt trip you...you have done nothing wrong.

You have to put you and your children first and well done for doing just that.

It's completely normal to dislike endings and it's completely normal to feel varying levels of anxiety after ending a relationship.

I once read that for every year you are in a relationship, it takes a month to get over them, so 6 years, 6 months.

Well done Op they were awful to you. Shed a few tears , feel sad then have a time watching tv with snacks.

You'll soon realise in time they took the piss. I hope you heal soon, upwards and onwards 😘

I remember your previous thread. She sounded completely insane and you were being abused and manipulated constantly. Well done.

This hard part will pass. Let yourself cry and grieve. The worst part is now over.

Hey there, it's only looking up because he's had to do those things because you broke up. If you had stayed then things wouldn't have changed.
I'm going to play Devil's Advocate- if you now went back, how would you feel? You'd regret it straightaway, right?
Yes, it will be difficult for a while but it's the same for anyone. Its because we're used to the familiar even when that familiar is rubbish.
Things will get better. Please believe that. Whilst you can't see it now when you look back you won't remember how bad it feels.
It's a temporary blip. You were strong enough to break up. Well done. You're strong enough to carry on with this and things can only look up. Surround yourself with people you trust and can support you through this.

That's exactly why you did absolutely the right thing by ending it.

Those threats were designed to cow you into submission. They didn't have a 'time of need' when they were doing that to you. They made it clear that they were the person with power and control and if you did not do as they said, you would be made to suffer for it.

You've taken back your control of yourself. Yes, it can be weird and scary, you've suddenly removed the thing that had made itself through coercion and threats the overwhelming focus of your life. It means that where there was always something to be thinking about, something to fear, something to put above all other concerns, thoughts and opinions, there's now a space in your head.

The pressure is off and that's going to feel strange and unfamiliar. But strange and unfamiliar can be good, as it means freedom.

It could be that your palpitations were caused (or at least worsened) by the constant stress and anxiety this person enjoyed and felt entitled to cause you - if so, they may decrease as your fear of their reaction to not obeying them or bowing to their threats reduces. And if not, that also helps because it may help the doctors pinpoint a cause, as you've got rid of the constant stressor of this person and their demands and moods.

Do you respond well to physical pressure at all? If you have a weighted blanket, for example, it might help to lie down with it over your back and just breathe for a while. It may need to wait until your children are in bed tonight, but if so, you could try having a warm bath (and not having the main light on whilst bathing is very good for calming) first and then getting into your safe, quiet bed with the blanket afterwards. Make sure that there's no way they can disturb your sleep with calls or messages first.

It will be OK. You've been very brave and courageous. Stick with that glimmer of relief - it'll become stronger and brighter than the anxiety and fear. You can do it.

You did so well to recognise this threat as an opportunity to leave this abusive relationship.

Especially as, irrational though it may be, being able to say it was HER decision must help to put your mind at peace to some extent!

Her wording is incredibly aggressive - it reminds me of a gangster movie, where some Bronx mobster is being particularly menacing.

You will reach a point one day where you'll just laugh at stuff like this and walk away without a second thought. But in the meantime, it's going to be hard. For myself, in the past, a message like that would typically trigger an overwhelming sense of shame and a kind of urgency to MAKE EVERYTHING OK AGAIN by whatever means. Which meant throwing myself under the bus again just to restore some kind of fragile peace.

The trouble is that every time you jump to do that, at your own expense, you lose a little bit more faith in yourself. It completely erodes any self-confidence you ever had. For someone who has never learned to look after No. 1, it becomes increasingly difficult over time.

You can recognise the financial damage from this relationship, but there are many other less visible forms of damage. Some of them, you probably just take for granted as part of your nature, but they needn't be. We can get caught in a loop where a relationship feels right because it mirrors all our expectations of ourselves and other people. There's only one way to break that cycle, and you've taken the first step.

Protect yourself from further harm. Be consistent with this, so that you learn you can rely on yourself. Make it as easy as possible for yourself, which in these case means avoiding contact because you can't always see the manipulation for what it is.

I bet just reading that makes you sweat about her welfare! What about her? What about her? What about her? Her life is not yours to sort out. There's a good chance she never will, but that is her journey, not yours, and her learning curve, not yours.

Changing mental/emotional habits follows the same principles as changing any other habit: keep doing the new/desired thing until it starts to come more naturally. Whenever you hear that urgent internal voice, What about her? - remind yourself that the "her" is YOU - that voiceless, faceless child within you who has not been nourished and protected... yet. She deserves, and desperately needs, all of your loving care. Stop siphoning it off elsewhere.

You can do this.

Read up about co-dependency. It might explain how you stuck it out as long as you did. And if so, awareness might also help you stick out the challenges of splitting.

By the way, just bc it looks like he's getting his life together, don't be fooled. He won't be on a smooth path to some kind of perfect life. Use the uptick as an opportunity to take separate roads calmly.

1. One foot in front of the other. One hour or day at a time.
2. Tell people - as many people as you can. Tell them you’ve left your partner and why. This will help you to validate your choice, as others will support you and reinforce your decision. It will also make you less likely to go back. It will also make you less likely to feel shame - not that you have anything to be ashamed of, but shame does tend to come with the territory and needs dealing with. See people face to face if you can. Get joy and support from people, even just one trusted friend or family member to start with.
3. Make sure you’re safe.

Change is hard for us to adapt to, and parts of your brain are just screaming at you for comfort/familiarity. That noise will get quieter as you stay away. It's for different circumstances but I left my DH once for 7 months (he was and still is a lazy inept bastard at home) but I got talked into the "i've changed and can't live without you and the kids" crap and of course the moment I walked back in the door he started asking what's for tea. And I knew that I couldn't walk out again - the kids took months to find solid ground.

Set yourself free, OP, and run with it. Who knows what life has in store for you out there, you're about to go on the biggest adventure.

I am as old as the hills and have learned that time is the greatest healer, which isn’t the best news perhaps when you are just post break-up and trying to hang on to something soothing.
There is a chance this ex will be livid you’ve agreed with a split rather than panicked and then apologised/made yourself small to placate them. So you really do need to block all channels.
When I look back on a few chaotic relationships I wince at how much I put up with and how distressed I got. There wasn’t a person on this planet worth that pain.
I took some time out, and I mean several years and I got to live again and build a life for myself. I am glad I did. It was worth it.
My brain absolutely hates change, the book The Chimp Paradox is really helpful.
All you can do is be kind to yourself, and be around people who actually care about you.
It’s strange isn’t it we have people who love us and then pour so much energy into someone so hateful, hanging around for crumbs of affection.
Also, I paid for therapy and which took a whack out of my savings - it’s was trauma focused EMDR. Worth every single penny it changed my life.
You will get there. One day you will look back and be grateful for the day you decided you’d had enough.

Break-ups are hard, they're often a massive upheaval but I promise you, they're not as hard as a life spend in an abusive situation. You will get though it. Just always know that what you're feeling is normal and people get though it all the time - and you will too. You will gradually take your life back. Well done for leaving.

Oh god I remember your post. Your ex used to show up with their mates, drink all your wine, order a takeaway for them all and manipulate you into paying for everything or they would kick off. No job, emotionally volatile and unhinged.
WELL DONE. I am so relieved you are out of that for you and your children.
Of course you feel awful right now. Please stay strong. You deserve so much better. There is so much good advice here so I will just send you some love and strength.

I sympathise, I'm ND too and also struggle in these situations even when I know it's for the best.
Part of the problem I have with "moving on" is that I can't always visualise what I am moving on "to", so I wallow in the depression of believing that the future will only be a repeat of the past. This stops once you have a positive but realistic vision of how you want the future to look. Don't visualise something ridiculously unattainable obviously, like untold wealth. But do take an honest look at yourself and know what are the great attributes that you bring to any relationship (great character, determination, honesty, intelligent, good cook, good arse, whatever), and assess what sort of future partner would suit (if that's what you want), what career would suit, etc. Then once you have that vision, keep it in your mind. Be confident that you can get there, within a time frame that you set for yourself, in small incremental steps if that's what it takes.

Make sure that the ex bears no resemblance to anything that is in your vision.
It's almost like day dreaming your way out of a difficult time.
Has worked for me.

I just want to add something about the "crazy fun."

When we split up (many times, before I found my sanity!), I honestly thought he was the fun in my life. It was like trying to separate myself from sunshine.

Now I know that the only thing he added was the "crazy." I eventually learned that, when not exposed to lunatics, I am actually a whole lot of fun. Better fun than I ever had with him, which always involved an element of nervousness.

People like this persuade you to give up your power to them. It's bullshit.