To have fallen out with husband

[Pitterpatter87]

We were staying at my in-laws on Christmas night. We have two young children. My in laws got up with the kids first thing and I got up at 7am. Husband slept in until 10 which is rare. When he got up he was groggy. It got on my nerves because of the extra sleep he’d had I thought he’d be in a great mood and getting stuck in with the kids. Instead he was groggy because he’s felt unwell the last few days with a heavy cold. I got annoyed with him and told him given he’s had a good lie in he should be on good form. He told me to piss off for criticising him and left the room.
It’s honestly ruined the whole day, we’ve still been arguing about it now, he’s not backing down. Said he’s fed up of being constantly criticised.
I feel totally burnt out. He’ll just never get what it’s like to juggle the kids, work, Xmas, birthdays etc etc etc. I’m so mentally worn out 😞

AIBU for being upset with how he’s behaved?

Sounded like he needed the sleep and feels rough. Just apologise and get over it ffs. You’ve clearly pissed him off when he’s feeling rubbish and we all can be a bit sensitive at times. My partner and I would never let a silly argument like this linger! We usually make a joke or one of us kisses the other and it’s done… carry on as normal! Don’t let your kids think you’re both miserable!

Why is your sympathy focused on DH? How do you suggest OP deals with this:

I feel totally burnt out. He’ll just never get what it’s like to juggle the kids, work, Xmas, birthdays etc etc etc. I’m so mentally worn out 😞

Sounds like this is the cherry on the top of a big cake of him shirking on responsibilities. It sounds like you’ve pulled it all together for Christmas with him not understanding all the different strands you’ve knitted together and the icing on the cake is him feeling sorry for himself with a cold. I totally understand why you’re pissed off. You’re not his mother. I don’t care if other PP’s think this is harsh.

Theres so much more going on underneath the surface.
you obviously feel a lot of resentment (which is valid as you have all the mental load). This built-up resentment has come out in a comment about him being groggy.
he may or may not feel ill, only he knows how ill he feels. He may be using it as an excuse. We have no idea.
whether he is or not, he perceives criticism as an attack. This where the dynamic changes and no progress is made.
he may be oblivious to the fact you have the mental load. He may be aware and feeling guilty that he can’t do more. We don’t know.

and I want to stop and make an important point here. Some people can’t do mental load. Some can. Sone people are conditioned not to (upbringing with traditional male/female roles) but can learn etc.
executive functioning plays a massive part in how well people can manage mental load.

you both need to sit down and be honest about how you feel without being accusatory. It’s possible there is an underlying condition such as ADHD which is making communication more difficult.

It sounds like there might be a communication block. Did you know he had a cold and how badly it was impacting him the prior few days? There's no way you could have known how he was feeling when he woke up on Boxing Day morning without his telling you, but if he'd been sick it seems likely that that might be the explanation for a slow start.

So if you were hassling him for sleeping in/expecting him to get up and go as soon as he woke up, you didn't give him the chance to explain. But if he woke up at ten and lay in bed for ages without saying anything to you about how he felt, that's his fault; he needed to tell you he was feeling bad so you'd know what to expect, adjust your own plans, and help the children understand what was happening. Similarly, it's ridiculous for him to tell you never to criticise him, but if he just meant please don't hassle him about oversleeping when he's already feeling awful, that's more understandable.

It's not unreasonable for him to hope/expect that you (and his parents, in this instance, if they're willing) will pick up some of the slack with the children while he's ill, but only if he tells you he needs that. And of course if you have good reason to think that he wouldn't do the same for you if the situation were reversed and it sounds like this from your last few sentences then that's a big problem that needs to be discussed but maybe don't bother now if he's still feeling "off".

Wow you're being mean. It's okay to feel groggy if he's unwell. Also are you the cold police?

Give him a break and just stop the argument. It's ridiculous.

Reading between the lines it sounds like it wouldn't matter whether he was unwell or not, he's not very involved. So YANBU for that reason.

No not at all I have a great H and two teen boys

I get angry at all the men who have a degree of illness and think the world then needs to revolve around their needs when there are thousands of single parents many female who will feel much worse with a heavy cold having to sort out school runs and drag themselves to work and feed the children

I mean I might have been a bit more gentle with the firmness of “it’s Christmas Day at your mum’s you need your game face on, sit on the sofa, look interested I’ll get you a lemsip and a brandy coffee you can’t go back to bed not today”

he’s a son, a father and a husband on Christmas Day with a cold, oh, then work out what you need to at least sit on a sofa

I am more than happy to move mountains for my husband and children’s happiness, not even happiness just contentment and requirements (and do all the time) but there are too many men around still in 2025 with full time working wives who expect to be treated with cotton gloves “oh don’t upset him he will just sulk or get cross” well screw that, let him sulk or get cross I can totally ignore that

and I have done, and now I have a relationship and family who work together when need be for everyone to be as content as we can be

this morning I took H a coffee at 11am, he didn’t need to be up until then, but he did need to get up then, he had to take his mum home and do a couple of things for teens, I happily took him a coffee and said you need to be up nowish - once xyz is done you can sit on sofa for rest of day - hardly a tyrant - so he’s up and out and will get back and he can do what he wants for rest of day, oh yes and he has a cold. But he also has a mum and teenagers.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You were already burnt out and needed support, and it’s exhausting always having to regulate the atmosphere as well as everything else. And it makes it much harder to sympathise with illness if you’re already doing all the load and regulating everything all the time. This sounds less about one morning and more about you carrying a huge mental load while he feels criticised. Both can be true, but your feelings are valid.

edited for spelling

he overslept cos he feels shit.

your problem should be focusing on the other times he’s not stepping up, not this one

Yeah saying he feels criticised doesn't automatically equate to the criticism being unjustified.

So he’s full of cold and clearly needed to rest and then you complain because the cold makes him feel like shit?

you might feel burnt out - so you don’t care how he feels?

and how much of the stuff you burn yourself out with really matters? How much is pressure you put in yourself ?

This.

Everyone just choosing to completely ignore the dynamics in the OP.

It sounds as though you are both tired and so not your best. He is ill and a heavy cold can make you groggy and tired and you are exhausted with Christmas preparations etc.
You should both take a deep breath and try and move on

Admittedly, I haven't got children but I get a few colds during the year and suffer badly with them. I never get stomach bugs or other illnesses though so maybe that's why my colds are bad. I usually don't feel sorry for men but maybe he genuinely did feel shitty? He should help you more though throughout the year so that is shit on his part.

Well there are quite a few on here who by default think that a bloke being ill is either just him exaggerating in order to get out of chores or is fair game to have the piss taken out of him (dressing gown of doom etc). When women get ill they need 24/7 bedside attention and sympathy.

I don’t see the issue? I’d have told you to piss off too to be honest

Right. Can they not read? Do they not care? I don’t get it.

OP - If I were you I’d start a new thread on Relationships with the main issue:

I feel totally burnt out. He’ll just never get what it’s like to juggle the kids, work, Xmas, birthdays etc etc etc. I’m so mentally worn out

It sounds like you need support for the problems in your relationship.

Thank you for all the replies! Looks like the consensus is that I’ve been a bit unfair. I’ve apologised and we’ve moved on and had a good day out with the kids. I’ll have a good think about how this happened and learn from it.
Thanks everyone!

Ps not just had a good day because it meant he couldn’t have a lie in 😂 he wanted to come with us and I’ll make sure he rests this evening

Sounds good! Ive done what you did many times OP, You get frustrated with repeated lazy behaviour and try and address it the wrong way and at the wrong time! Glad you have sorted it 😊

Ordinarily yes, but he’s unwell.

And I bet the in-laws had it covered, there was probably no need for the OP to get up until 10 either!

I wouldn't expect my parents or pil to cover childcare so I could have a lay in, unless it was agreed, which I wouldn't even ask.

Being annoyed with ill people is pointless.
But he needs to row in later to get you some time off. If you can't negotiate that between yourselves...well it's tough going right...he needs to be sensitive to your needs too, but isn't...I agree with you now more. Everyone annoyed isn't the best dating point.