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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have fallen out with husband

125 replies

Pitterpatter87 · 26/12/2025 23:32

We were staying at my in-laws on Christmas night. We have two young children. My in laws got up with the kids first thing and I got up at 7am. Husband slept in until 10 which is rare. When he got up he was groggy. It got on my nerves because of the extra sleep he’d had I thought he’d be in a great mood and getting stuck in with the kids. Instead he was groggy because he’s felt unwell the last few days with a heavy cold. I got annoyed with him and told him given he’s had a good lie in he should be on good form. He told me to piss off for criticising him and left the room.
It’s honestly ruined the whole day, we’ve still been arguing about it now, he’s not backing down. Said he’s fed up of being constantly criticised.
I feel totally burnt out. He’ll just never get what it’s like to juggle the kids, work, Xmas, birthdays etc etc etc. I’m so mentally worn out 😞

AIBU for being upset with how he’s behaved?

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 27/12/2025 09:38

frozendaisy · 27/12/2025 07:33

He was at his parent’s house
with his wife
and his children

he got the lie-in
he should have necked lemsip, ibuprofen, had a hot toddy, whatever and battled through

instead he acted like a spoilt child again, and decided to be pissy because he shoukd be the pampered prince with his mother and wife allowing him to check out and watch videos on his phone

yeah he’s a prat

it’s a cold on Christmas Day

we have shivered through strep throat on our child’s birthday, (all at home we didn’t infect others)
been to football hobbling in pain
you buck up when you need to
yes it’s not great
yes your body might be demanding rest
but sometimes you have to pull on out of the bag

he was well enough to be a pissy wanker - he was well enough to put on a Christmas face and at least apologise

I would be fucking fuming and I would let him and his parents know that

Projecting much?
You've made the majority of that up based on the fact he's a man?
I actually like my husband so when he's poorly damn right he gets a lie in and pampered....just like I do when I'm poorly.

Jinglejells · 27/12/2025 09:42

frozendaisy · 27/12/2025 07:33

He was at his parent’s house
with his wife
and his children

he got the lie-in
he should have necked lemsip, ibuprofen, had a hot toddy, whatever and battled through

instead he acted like a spoilt child again, and decided to be pissy because he shoukd be the pampered prince with his mother and wife allowing him to check out and watch videos on his phone

yeah he’s a prat

it’s a cold on Christmas Day

we have shivered through strep throat on our child’s birthday, (all at home we didn’t infect others)
been to football hobbling in pain
you buck up when you need to
yes it’s not great
yes your body might be demanding rest
but sometimes you have to pull on out of the bag

he was well enough to be a pissy wanker - he was well enough to put on a Christmas face and at least apologise

I would be fucking fuming and I would let him and his parents know that

Wow do you hate men or husband? You seem very angry

Sanasaaa · 27/12/2025 09:47

There's not enough information in the original post. What were you both fighting over?
You didn't say what behaviour he was doing.
A bit of a lie in doesn't help cold symptoms.
Does he not work, parent, do anything for Christmas, or birthdays?

Owly11 · 27/12/2025 09:50

What the hell? Your in laws helped out with the kids, then when your husband got up you immediately started criticising him for being groggy because you thought he shouldn't be feeling groggy because he had three hours more sleep than you? Even though part of why he is groggy is because he is ill. Unless there is some further context which you haven't yet shared this seems massively unreasonable and i am not sure what you think he should be backing down about. Being worn out is not a good reason to constantly criticise someone and constantly criticising someone is going to do a lot more harm to a relationship than sleeping in and being groggy when ill.

SpinningaCompass · 27/12/2025 09:50

It’s honestly ruined the whole day, we’ve still been arguing about it now, he’s not backing down. Said he’s fed up of being constantly criticised.
I feel totally burnt out. He’ll just never get what it’s like to juggle the kids, work, Xmas, birthdays etc etc etc. I’m so mentally worn out 😞

Reading this makes me wonder if he's not pulling his weight at home yet you asking him to do his share is 'constantly criticising' him in his mind. But rightly so if that's the case!

Is he one of those men who thinks his 'job' is his paid job and everything else is your problem to sort? Or provide directions for him to 'help' you? Instead of doing his fair share without question? Because if so, I suspect this isn't about the typical fact that he got the lie in while you got up with the children once again, at his parents' house no less, but that it's always you having to wrangle the children, wrangle the family plans, the packing, the food, the picking up after them in your inlaws house, the relationships, etc. Yet now he's 'conveniently ill' (bollocks to that; we all have colds and still have to look after our children) and blaming you for expecting more after a lie in?

Any truth to any of this OP? Because if so, I wouldn't back down and apologise to him. I'd be calmly pointing all this out and say 2026 is going to need to look very different in your household with him pulling his weight or your marriage isn't going to survive.

rwalker · 27/12/2025 09:51

frozendaisy · 27/12/2025 07:33

He was at his parent’s house
with his wife
and his children

he got the lie-in
he should have necked lemsip, ibuprofen, had a hot toddy, whatever and battled through

instead he acted like a spoilt child again, and decided to be pissy because he shoukd be the pampered prince with his mother and wife allowing him to check out and watch videos on his phone

yeah he’s a prat

it’s a cold on Christmas Day

we have shivered through strep throat on our child’s birthday, (all at home we didn’t infect others)
been to football hobbling in pain
you buck up when you need to
yes it’s not great
yes your body might be demanding rest
but sometimes you have to pull on out of the bag

he was well enough to be a pissy wanker - he was well enough to put on a Christmas face and at least apologise

I would be fucking fuming and I would let him and his parents know that

He’s had one sleep in in god knows how long as OP says very rare

probably would of been ok if OP didn’t kick off soon as he appeared

outerspacepotato · 27/12/2025 09:53

He slept in because his body is trying to fight infection but the body's inflammatory response doesn't go away after a couple hours of rest.

He feels ill. You got annoyed with him for not being in good form and criticized him for something he's not in control of. He's got something, hopefully not the flu or COVID, and you started a fight with someone who was weak and not thinking very clearly. That's unreasonable.

If you're burnt out, you address that with him. But starting fights when he's sick isn't how to have those discussions.

SunnyViper · 27/12/2025 10:00

So the guy is poorly and you have a pop at him for it. Not surprised he is a bit miffed.

sandyhappypeople · 27/12/2025 10:02

What a horrible thing to start an argument about when staying at someone else’s house.

yabvu to have a go at him for feeling ill anyway, but utterly selfish to ruin everyone’s else’s time together with it too!

ThatCyanCat · 27/12/2025 10:05

If you do absolutely everything all the time, what made you decide that Boxing Day morning, with two other adults on hand who are happy to help, while he has a nasty cold, at someone else's house, was the time to start forcing the issue and spending the whole day trying to get him to "back down"?

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 27/12/2025 10:06

I've just had a very heavy cold and felt absolutely dreadful for over 2 weeks. If someone is ill then there's absolutely no way you should be having a go at them for not being 'on good form'.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/12/2025 10:10

I think you're confusing two things - it sounds like he might not pull his weight with organising everything, childcare, household tasks, early starts etc. In which case yanbu to be pissed off and I can see why someone getting a lit in when you've already done a few hours would piss you off. Particularly if you don't get given the same chance to recover when you're not well.

But having a go at someone for feeling groggy when they're ill is unreasonable, sorry, you can't tell someone how they 'should' feel because they've had a lie in that you deem should have made them better. We all had a virus a few weeks ago and extreme tiredness was the main symptom, I needed a nap after a lie in and being up for a coupe of hours.

So I'd apologise for that but if it came put of getting a bad deal in general in terms of split of work I'd explain where my feelings of resentment came from and try and sort that out

pictoosh · 27/12/2025 10:13

@frozendaisy I hope you're just crashing out because you feel tense (for whatever reason) and you don't actually conduct family life with such a sour, unyielding approach.

"I would be fucking fuming and I would let him and his parents know that"

Do you enjoy creating conflict during special occasions? Why?

Serious advice...go be kind to yourself today, do something that you enjoy. It sounds like you could do with some brightening up. There is nothing wrong with self-care when we need it.

Craycraycatbaby · 27/12/2025 10:15

Your poor husband! I was ill last Christmas and fell asleep on the sofa, could barely fake excitement for the kids and didn't eat anything really. Not once did anyone criticise me for being groggy.

user1471435657 · 27/12/2025 10:18

This reads to me like he doesn't pitch in with anything. So it's triggering for the op, because there is a backlog of resentment. If that's the case, I get it -the frustration and hurt behind that. The looking like the unreasonable one for being upset.

And special occasions highlight an unfair dynamic, because it's hyped up to be a special family time.

I hope he feels better soon, but I hope more that OP isn't suffering with a bad partner day to day.

ThatJadeLion · 27/12/2025 10:23

YANBU.. let's face it.. generally if this was a woman, you'd be expected to dose up and soldier on for the day.

Bobiverse · 27/12/2025 10:26

You sound pretty awful and you’re the one behaving badly and causing fights.

Eyeshadow · 27/12/2025 10:27

I’d be in a bad mood too if I was unwell and my DH started nagging at me as soon as I woke up.

You admit that he’s unwell - if he wasn’t then I’d be on your side but he can’t help being ill.

You both got a nice lie in and when he’s better you can swap and he can take over more parenting.

Your poor in-laws.

FarmGirl78 · 27/12/2025 10:31

There's 2 separate issues at play here. Different sides of the same coin.

You were unreasonable for having a pop at him for feeling rough when you thought he should have been fine.

You are not unreasonable for wanting a break yourself if you're feeling burnt out as you do most of the work with the kids and take on the greatest mental load.

You can point out that you're burnt out but you don't need to tell him he should be on top form. One situation isn't mutually exclusive of the other. You need to decide how to express your needs without telling him he's not ill.

Cherrytree86 · 27/12/2025 10:35

Pitterpatter87 · 26/12/2025 23:32

We were staying at my in-laws on Christmas night. We have two young children. My in laws got up with the kids first thing and I got up at 7am. Husband slept in until 10 which is rare. When he got up he was groggy. It got on my nerves because of the extra sleep he’d had I thought he’d be in a great mood and getting stuck in with the kids. Instead he was groggy because he’s felt unwell the last few days with a heavy cold. I got annoyed with him and told him given he’s had a good lie in he should be on good form. He told me to piss off for criticising him and left the room.
It’s honestly ruined the whole day, we’ve still been arguing about it now, he’s not backing down. Said he’s fed up of being constantly criticised.
I feel totally burnt out. He’ll just never get what it’s like to juggle the kids, work, Xmas, birthdays etc etc etc. I’m so mentally worn out 😞

AIBU for being upset with how he’s behaved?

@Pitterpatter87

what do you mean by “getting stuck in with the kids”…does he need to be in full on, children’s entertainer mode or something in your book? In reality, he doesn’t.

Sunshineandoranges · 27/12/2025 10:38

You sound quite unpleasant.

Thewhywhybird · 27/12/2025 10:45

That would be annoying ordinarily, but as he's been ill you should have cut him some slack. No-one is at their best when they've got a cold.

Timelineuk · 27/12/2025 10:45

Pitterpatter87 · 26/12/2025 23:32

We were staying at my in-laws on Christmas night. We have two young children. My in laws got up with the kids first thing and I got up at 7am. Husband slept in until 10 which is rare. When he got up he was groggy. It got on my nerves because of the extra sleep he’d had I thought he’d be in a great mood and getting stuck in with the kids. Instead he was groggy because he’s felt unwell the last few days with a heavy cold. I got annoyed with him and told him given he’s had a good lie in he should be on good form. He told me to piss off for criticising him and left the room.
It’s honestly ruined the whole day, we’ve still been arguing about it now, he’s not backing down. Said he’s fed up of being constantly criticised.
I feel totally burnt out. He’ll just never get what it’s like to juggle the kids, work, Xmas, birthdays etc etc etc. I’m so mentally worn out 😞

AIBU for being upset with how he’s behaved?

You were a but rude. You know he hasn’t been well. Shouldn’t have said anything on Xmas morning. Does he work a lot too?

BillieWiper · 27/12/2025 10:54

You should've started crashing saucepans together, demanding he start doing an aerobics work out and shoved a load of cocaine and meth up his nose to stop him from being 'groggy'?!

PeonyPatch · 27/12/2025 10:58

Yabu - cut him some slack