To find it unbearable how my parents are aging

[SunflowerSpirit]

My parents are still relatively young (mid-sixties) but due to a combination of mental and physical health challenges they have both aged a huge amount in the last couple of years. Not helped by drinking (not to a crazy amount, but enough for them to not be very present in the room / behave out of character at times).

I find they become irritated by the most minor things and fixate on really small ‘issues’ or people / things they don’t like, wanting to rant and discuss them all the time. The repetitive conversation drives me mad. Especially when they ask me the same questions over and over again, without processing the answer and sometimes trying to provoke me into saying something different. They don’t seem to have the energy to do anything other than watch TV or the odd morning out and it makes me so sad that their world seems to be getting smaller and smaller. They don’t take an interest in things that they’re not interested in and judge / criticise so much more than they ever did. I feel like I can’t talk about my life as they either mock it or stop listening entirely, launching into their own story / rant.

I find it really unbearable to be around, to the point I almost zone out in their company (and then feel really guilty afterwards). The past couple of days I’ve felt so down and sad, almost grieving who they were before and what life was like before. I often struggle to know what to do - address some of it with them, to try and help them / find help? My default seems to be to park it to the back of my mind and I worry this isn’t good. Sometimes if feels so painful I just can’t engage. But is that me just avoiding the issue? Or is this part of the transition when parents age? My friends don’t seem to be going through the same so it can feel so lonely.

It sounds normal for some, but not all.

It’s very common, unfortunately. Do they have any outside interests or clubs they belong to? These seem to make huge, positive difference. Can you encourage hobbies & interests?

I'm right there with you OP. Mine are also early sixties and very similar, although one is housebound, so no trips out. They had me when they were teens, so I am mid forties myself. I feel powerless, incredibly sad, irritated and petrified about my own old age which seems like it is arriving so soon in the context. It is very lonely.

I'm not sure if this is an age thing

Of course everyone has a different experience but despite health challenges, my parents were very much... the same as usual...through their 60s.

What were they like before? Mine had very full lives. So I guess with the health problems, they carried on with as much as they could. both very determined individuals.

I am wondering how much alcohol is a factor here. It has a much bigger effect on some people than others.

Doesn’t sound normal to me at all. Mid 60’s is still young. Mine are mid 70’s, they’re still travelling around the world, not just hotels but proper travelling. They both volunteer loads and sit as trustees on charities, they play a lot of bridge, walk, go to the theatre and entertain / go out every week. My boss is in her 60’s and still dancing on tables in night clubs!

Ah I’m jealous! My mum and stepdad are sixties and spend most of the week at home. Might go to Zumba or a book club but very small lives and no travelling any more. Conversations quite circular like OP mentioned. It’s shocking how people can be young minded and bam 24 months later seem very very old

That doesn’t sound right to me. My older relatives have tended to stay the same up to mid eighties.

No advice. Just to say it's very similar with my parents and I feel the same... I just hope I'm not in my parents' circumstance at their age.

It's rather weird especially as nowadays with state pension age being late 60s they'd be expected to still be working! Could they function working?

I don't think it's the norm for mid 60s. I think it could be the booze that has aged their brains. Not much you can do about that though. I'm sorry.

You’ve described my mother to a tee but she’s 81 .

If they had you when they were teens the age gap now must feel alarming.
I remember when my mum was in her last months aged 82. She had me at 24 and I felt that my turn was only just around the corner.

Or is this part of the transition when parents age?
No it isn't. My mother raged against old age stopping her from doing all the things she wanted to do. She was only forced to give up her busy (busier than me) social life when her health prevented her going out.

My mum is in her early nineties and see seems to be really embracing life right now. I bought her some Vitamin D tablets this Autumn as she & I both suffer from SAD, and it may be purely coincidence but she is actually quite good fun to be around right now. Still lives on her own (does require some support with appointments and finances from me & my siblings) but I’ve seen a marked increase in her positivity.
I’m in my mid sixties and still live life to the full when I want to (but also turn down things I do t want to do without guilt generally) and truly don’t think 60s is old.

I think part of it is conditioning. I'm 57 when I was 10 being 70 was considered a ripe old age...3 score and 10... remember the pension age was set at 65 because you were basically knackered then and had a life expectancy of 72.

So are they basically talking themselves into old age "oh I can use a mobile phone at my age".

Or is it they don't work, never developed outside interests

Or an extension of them being miserable people who are suited to one another and it's only really becoming apparent now.

With the first two encourage them to get out. Health walks, university of the third age (could they lecture), playing bowls, bird watching, if they drink get them trying to bag every spoons... anything to break the rut.

With the third I think you need to be honest and say that they are becoming dull, repetitive and need to broaden their world.

This is awful for you, and I'm afraid sounds like the beginning of a cognitive decline. I'm a similar age and starting to repeat myself a lot which really worries me, and I have to take a breath before responding irritably when something doesn't immediately make sense. At least I notice the changes; and also that I'm forgetting much more than I used to. But I am still interested in other people and world events and would not mock anyone! That's grim.
Even if it is a bit of a cognitive decline there are lots of things they can do to help, if they are willing. Getting out in the fresh air, getting hearing aids if they need them, joining a choir or a playreading group, for example. Cutting right back on alcohol would help a lot, and drinking more water.
You may need to reduce the amount of time you spend with them if it's getting you down too much, but I'm sure that that seeing you regularly is helping them in lots of ways, even if they don't consciously appreciate it. But you have to look after yourself as well.

It is just down to their personalities and health am afraid, rather than just age.

Sounds like their health issues have made them more comfortable to stay at home and their world is getting smaller. Then the moaning coming because they've little else to do.

Any chance you can take them out to the theatre, a pub lunch? Anything to try and get them up and about again?

We had my parents and in laws over at various points the last 2 days. All in 70s. The contrast was clear, my parents both active, even through health conditions, living life, travelling, positive, go out, do hobbies etc etc. My in laws (not a couple anymore but both very similar) acted very old, nothing to talk about, hardly ever go anywhere for weeks on end, got my husband to park both their cars. Both sets very similar in finances and health so it has made me grateful and sad, and also a bit frustrated that my in laws don't seem that interested in anything other than being old.

Crikey @SunflowerSpirit DH and I are mid 60s. DH still working a professional and very senior job full-time. I am similar but have reduced to three days pw, largely to visit my mum who's 89 more. Whilst she's becoming frail, she's still socialising and playing bridge.

Most of our friends are mid 60s and they are either working, doing non-exec roles and holidaying.

I suspect the drinking may be more of an issue than you imagine. Have they fully disclosed their health conditions and are they receiving optimal treatment. 65 is really not old.

Agree. I would say that my parents began to be ‘old’, in the worrying sense you describe, in their 80s - though even now (late 80s and increasingly frail) they have relatively busy lives and are interested in the world around them.

Oh, I am the same age as your parents and this isn't me at all! And neither does it describe those around me of a similar age.

I think it could relate to the alcohol.

I don't know what you can do for them, other than encouraging them to get off the settee and do something - but you are probably flogging a dead horse.

With regards to how you can deal with it personally - face it, accept it, learn from it and make a vow with yourself not to let this happen to you.

It sounds odd. Most people their age are still working at least part time if not full time.

Our parents are 60s, what I struggle with (and I’m not sure if they’ve always done this or it’s just I’m noticing more?) is conversation being centred around people we don’t know. We will go to MIL’s and I’m not exaggerating she will not ask us a single question (I know this is her personality) but she will spend hours, literally hours, talking about people we don’t know. My Mum is much more inquisitive and will ask questions, but she also talks about her colleagues in great detail (honestly I know every last sordid detail at this point) and I just want to scream I DONT CARE, but I’m not a bitch so I don’t!

Not normal at all. Many mid to late 60s are working full time and living busy , useful lives. Even those who were lucky enough to retire early are travelling and volunteering in the community. My own mother was so busy until her late 80s it was hard to find time to see her.

I think this can happen when people retire, sadly. Not to everyone, of course, but to enough people for me to have noticed it. People's world shrinks quite suddenly and they seem to age fast. Quite ordinary things seem suddenly overwhelming, or they become anxious and irritable beyond all proportion at quite minor issues.

I'm not really sure what you can do about it. Have they had general physical health checks? because things like high blood pressure can cause anxiety and irritability. Otherwise, you could try naming behaviours as you are them eg "you've talked about this four times now, is there something more to this story than you're telling me?"

Same - my mum is early 80’s and has only started to become like this in the last few years.

60’s is very young to be like this OP.