To find it unbearable how my parents are aging

[SunflowerSpirit]

My parents are still relatively young (mid-sixties) but due to a combination of mental and physical health challenges they have both aged a huge amount in the last couple of years. Not helped by drinking (not to a crazy amount, but enough for them to not be very present in the room / behave out of character at times).

I find they become irritated by the most minor things and fixate on really small ‘issues’ or people / things they don’t like, wanting to rant and discuss them all the time. The repetitive conversation drives me mad. Especially when they ask me the same questions over and over again, without processing the answer and sometimes trying to provoke me into saying something different. They don’t seem to have the energy to do anything other than watch TV or the odd morning out and it makes me so sad that their world seems to be getting smaller and smaller. They don’t take an interest in things that they’re not interested in and judge / criticise so much more than they ever did. I feel like I can’t talk about my life as they either mock it or stop listening entirely, launching into their own story / rant.

I find it really unbearable to be around, to the point I almost zone out in their company (and then feel really guilty afterwards). The past couple of days I’ve felt so down and sad, almost grieving who they were before and what life was like before. I often struggle to know what to do - address some of it with them, to try and help them / find help? My default seems to be to park it to the back of my mind and I worry this isn’t good. Sometimes if feels so painful I just can’t engage. But is that me just avoiding the issue? Or is this part of the transition when parents age? My friends don’t seem to be going through the same so it can feel so lonely.

They show no interest in things they're not interested in? Well, er, sounds reasonable to me.

I could have written this op. I'm sorry about that. Have to endure this every time I meet my parents who are in their 70s but their decline started as soon as they retired (and both retired early). They lack interest in the world, other people including me or grandchildren. They are not interested in anything at all. They are constantly irritated for small things. They only talk about themselves. Their world is so so small....and it's really unpleasant to meet people like this. They are not going to change, and the sooner to accept it the better. You need to mind yourself OP xx

It doesn't sound normal to me, but perhaps alcohol and retirement is the key.

My DH is mid 60s, still working a 60 hour week, coaches kayaking at the weekends and just built me some amazing netted frames for my allotment,
I'm a couple of years younger, work part time, look after a 4 yr old and baby two days a week and play squash 3 times a week.. took that up in April! Also have an allotment and a dog and spend half my life in my wellies!

I'm no superwoman and do get tired a bit quicker, but decided to take ownership of my own health issues... HRT, Testosterone, Vit D and B12 and I'm NOT going to get old any time soon!

My Mum is 79 , retired at 55 and retirement has definitely made her OLD. Health issues, her bowels and complaining are her main themes, and she refuses to do anything that makes her life less boring. It's all mindset. Yes she has health problems now but she seems to have decided to not want to know anything, not want to DO anything. Drives me nuts!

Not all old people are the same. Some have lower energy levels because they have become accustomed to doing very little. Some seem quite content just sitting in front of the TV all day (like the unemployed and work shy) which would drive me crazy.

I know lots of people in their 60 - 80s who are still very active, travel extensively, go out and do things. Eventbrite is full of free stuff and if you live in a vibrant city like London there is always loads going on, so you don't necessarily need vast amounts of money, and with a freedom pass, or a 60+ Oyster travel is free.

Ultimately it is sad, and I feel for you, but it is the life they've chosen for themselves: Maybe sedentary is what they enjoy...

See if you can get some help for them. They dont sound well. Maybe you need to sit down and have a serious chat with them. But do be sympathetic. Illness is not fun. Do you have siblings who could help. There are professionsl networks that can help. Better to sort it out now rather than let it escalate and then just pull the plug on them. Try to chat with people at some of the care networks and disability networks ....Age UK etc.

It’s odd to me - my PILs are 76 & 82 and still travel about four or five times a year including some quite far flung places. His DM was still working 3 days a week as a private physio until she was 70.

My own parents are 64 (Mum) & 74 (Stepfather). My Stepfather still works as a Managing Director with no signs of retiring any time soon. My DM took early retirement at 57 but has a more active social life than me and says she doesn’t know how she fitted working in.

This is not normal behaviour at all at that age. It sounds like they're depressed with no purpose in their lives. It's also terribly bad for older people to still be drinking alcohol, I'm early 40's and had to give it up once I got to this age as even one glass of wine would make me feel terrible the next day, sadly every drop of alcohol is damaging to us.
They need to be exercising daily, not eat processed food and have a purpose to their lives and obviously give up the booze.
People this age need to be doing everything they can to keep healthy and agile or life will get very hard.
It must be so hard to see their decline but unfortunately it's all self inflicted.

My DM became that way once she hit her 60s but that was due to health and financial issues that affected her badly, particularly mentally. Her mind used to go round and round in negative circles. It's really heart-breaking to see and awful to deal with.

In my own case, now nearing 70, I've been housebound for nearly 20 yrs (health-related) but I do think for me the pandemic provided a real boost to get back into real life, as weird as that sounds! I am far more involved in online communities doing moderation, I got back into my faith life, joined an online church, spend a lot more time doing mental activities and love learning, thankfully my mental health has really improved to allow this, and as a result I'm far less forgetful and take much more interest in life generally. I don't drink alcohol and never read newspapers so there's that, plus I've a younger partner.

I do think, OP, that alcohol plays a part, but with both parents being similar, they are pulling each other down. My DP would give me a virtual kick in the backside if I started being like that, and I'd do the same with him, but he's still working full time and travelling when needed so he is hopefully some way off. You do have to make the effort though, to keep yourself engaged in life and that takes determination.

My parents turned like this in their sixties. Mocking, judgemental, and also became WEIRDLY conservative once my sister had their first grandchild. They went form having really encouraged me to be ambitious to practically wanting me to be like something out of The Handmaid's Tale once I got married myself.

I think it must simply be an age thing. Some people remain with-it as they age, and some.....really don't. I don't have an answer for you, I'm afraid. Just wanted to say that I recognise this behaviour.

In my experience it's not really an age thing. Time just means you see the reality of who your parents are, when you're stable enough in yourself and your own life and no longer need rose tinted glasses about them.

Do neither of them work, did they retire early

I'm surprised you haven't said they are right wing which is the usual for on here when passing comments about older relatives

Eh? Your own parents are very much your circus and your monkeys!

It could be the start of dementia - the repeating themselves and asking the same things etc. And sometimes when they start acting reluctant to go out it's masking that they can't remember the way to where they're going or are getting scared of driving or think they won't be able to recognize people they know if they run into them and so on. They don't ask you stuff about yourself because they can't remember it. Not saying that's the case, but it could be - it can start at this sort of age. Even if it's not, some people do just get "old" a lot younger than others - and in couples one often follows the other. Sorry.

@User565635 sadly every drop of alcohol is damaging to us.

Yes, it's amazing the research that's come out in the last few years isn't it. It's been found that alcohol is tied to many more cancers than previously thought, and that much lower levels can affect the risk, especially for breast cancer. Basically, pretty low levels of drinking have been shown to be much more toxic than we knew.

My decline at 63, is Parkinson’s, lots seem more able than me, I got out have friends, and try not to be self centred.
Life is more challenging, due to physical problems with mobility

My parents were like this when they got to their late 80's. I am early 60's and all of my friends and siblings (all older) still work and live 'full' lives. Did your parents retire quite young and do they live in a retirement hot-spot? This can affect your outlook on life.

I’m in my early 70s and notice my friends doing this. It amazes me.

The problem with asking this question on mn is the demographic you will receive your answers from.

Most (obviously not all) of the answers you receive will come from middle class, educated people that didn't enter the workforce until their mid 20's at the earliest. Possibly with long breaks for child rearing in a lot of cases. Most (not all!) have spent a lifetime being financially comfortable, lived in properties that they could afford to heat appropriately and containing all modern amenities, eating well and going on regular holidays.

Of course this demographic expects to 'age well' and enjoy a decent quality of life until they start to decline slowly in their 80's!

My family would be very different. We started hard manual labour in childhood (family business) I went to work full time at 16 (a full 10 years earlier than uni grads). Money has always been a consideration (many years without holidays, not always the best quality foods) and it does age people much more quickly. My husband is 57 and has done manual work all of his life, he is exhausted and would retire tomorrow if he could! Of course PP parents working in a management role can carry on into their 70's, it is a different world.

OP's parents may be entirely middle class with all of the associated benefits that brings but I really want to point out that an awful lot of people don't live that lifestyle and many working class people will seemingly age much more quickly than their peers. Expecting to live a full and exciting life well into your 80's comes from privilege, I fully expect to be 'old' in my mid 60's.

I went to work full time at 16 (a full 10 years earlier than uni grads).

Where are you that it's common to graduate at age 26? Bit confused about this!

@JingleMyBellsChristmasSmells while a hard life can age you, a lot of that is nonsense. My grandad left school at 14 and worked hard as a tenant famer all his life. He lived until his mid 90s and until a stoke disabled him at 92, he was interested, active, healthy and engaged. He worked in to his early 70s, volunteered as a parish councillor, grew vegetables, looked after his grandchildren, walked miles each day with his little dogs.

My dad, 79, is similar and is only just beginning to slow down a bit now as he has arthritis in his hands.

Oh and this university graduate has been working in some form or other since she was 15.

It’s hard seeing your parents change like that. My amazingly kind and generous Dad sometimes became quite self centred in his latter years. He would want all attention on him and if I tried to tell him what was going on in my life he’d say ‘Yes, yes dear’ like he wanted me to hurry up and finish. I felt very down about this change in him till my Auntie told me that he was always singing my praises …..he just never said anything to me. In fact he would’ve been mortified if he knew how he came across to others.
At the age of 58 I’ve seen a number of elderly relatives appear to become more negative and selfish. I could have theories about why but I’ll never know for sure. I’m just going to try and make a concerted effort not to fall into that kind of outlook when I (God willing) get there.

I don’t think it’s normal but if they have physical and mental health challenges, it can be easy to get lost in those. Are they getting all the right treatment/care they need? They could possibly be stuck in a loop too. Don’t feel well, feel sad, drink to feel better, don’t feel well, feel sad etc.

Ultimately if this is their choice, this is their choice but you could encourage them to try some new things and break the cycle. When my parents started getting a little like this, we hired a holiday home and went away with everyone for a week. The break from home was great and got them out the house. My mum died a few years ago and my dad is significantly impacted by poor health now but even though he’s 80, mentally he’s always up for an adventure. For him, getting him on good anti depressants made a huge difference.

I'm 67 and DH is 76.
We're both retired from professional jobs, in fact I can only think of one person I know who is my age and still working.
Health is crucial. DH is as fit as a flea, walks and goes to the gym daily and has always had an active mind. He never socialises though, which I think is important and I try to keep involved in lots of things. He is witty and good company when adult DC visit but the signs of age are a dislike of any change in routine and tiring.

I've had several years of health problems which have limited me physically and mentally. I didn't realise quite how much the mental impact was until I recently started a new treatment that works. It wasn't just that the pain had gone, I felt more positive about life in general. I've always pushed myself to exercise and eat well but it was all such an effort, now it's a pleasure.

So if there's anything that can be done to improve health it's worth looking into.