To find it unbearable how my parents are aging

[SunflowerSpirit]

My parents are still relatively young (mid-sixties) but due to a combination of mental and physical health challenges they have both aged a huge amount in the last couple of years. Not helped by drinking (not to a crazy amount, but enough for them to not be very present in the room / behave out of character at times).

I find they become irritated by the most minor things and fixate on really small ‘issues’ or people / things they don’t like, wanting to rant and discuss them all the time. The repetitive conversation drives me mad. Especially when they ask me the same questions over and over again, without processing the answer and sometimes trying to provoke me into saying something different. They don’t seem to have the energy to do anything other than watch TV or the odd morning out and it makes me so sad that their world seems to be getting smaller and smaller. They don’t take an interest in things that they’re not interested in and judge / criticise so much more than they ever did. I feel like I can’t talk about my life as they either mock it or stop listening entirely, launching into their own story / rant.

I find it really unbearable to be around, to the point I almost zone out in their company (and then feel really guilty afterwards). The past couple of days I’ve felt so down and sad, almost grieving who they were before and what life was like before. I often struggle to know what to do - address some of it with them, to try and help them / find help? My default seems to be to park it to the back of my mind and I worry this isn’t good. Sometimes if feels so painful I just can’t engage. But is that me just avoiding the issue? Or is this part of the transition when parents age? My friends don’t seem to be going through the same so it can feel so lonely.

My parents don’t drink but have become like this in their mid sixties, they can’t do this or that because their words “we’re so old” it’s bizarre. Even hosting Christmas Day for 2 people is too much for them. It’s definitely since they’ve retired it’s got worse too. They don’t really have any hobbies and are so lazy. They don’t have friends either so it’s just the pair of them watching tv or playing on their phones!

People seem to have missed the mention of physical health challenges

In my head I still want to do adrenaline sports and go out partying. My body has other ideas and I can only manage short walks and a day out is rarely possible as even the car journey tires me.

Depending what their physical challenges are it may be quite unfair to criticise them for how they are living their lives now

@Papersnowflakes I don't think people have missed it, I mentioned it

As I said, my parents carried on with what they could.

Unless OP gives more info, it's impossible to know how big a factor that is. I've had a chunk of life affected by physical health challenges and an even bigger chunk by mental health challenges. But still, a lot of of this is about what kind of person you are in the first place.

Some people don't take an interest in things generally. So it's hard to know what's happening here, but if they were those sorts of people in the first place, then it's very different.

so it's the same as what you said, it depends what the health challenges are, but if they were major, I'm thinking OP would've said.

Try reading Gransnet and it will give you a sense of what we become as we age.

We are mid 60s but still pretty active with travelling, spending time with family and GC and hobbies and interests. Some of our friends lead smaller lives and they tend to be a bit negative and rant about stuff they see on the news (mostly not fact checked) . I think it is because they have nothing left to talk about which is sad. I don’t blame you for zoning out or getting annoyed. Would it work if you encouraged them to join new groups like U3a or take up a new hobby?

I don’t think it is an age thing. My mum is 90 and is not like that. Mind you she is less mobile than she used to be but still loves going out and about so we plan trips to take her on so she has things to look forward to.

I SO don't want to be like that but can see how it happens. My energy levels took a nose dive when I turned sxty, and my desire to be involved in the world really dropped. I'm early sixties and DH is mid sixties.

We still do fun things - travel, sign up for workshops to learn new skills, still work PT - and I love my job. We make an effort ot go to theatre shows, exhibitions, listen to new music. But day to day our lives have shrunk and I feel dull: I have nothing to say because nothing much happens, very little energy to do new things week in week out. I feel like I should join committees and help out in the community more but I did so much of that when DC were small and it was thankless. Not sure I can face going back to that role.

What hobbies do they have?

Very similar here! My parents are early 60s and unbearable at times! No advise but you are not alone

I don’t think the majority of people in their mid 60s are working & definitely not full time.

MNs is a bit weird when it comes to ageing eg people saying 65 isn’t old, it is…

Some people do get very anxious as they age & their world shrinks. It doesn’t just happen to people in their 90s….

Oh gosh, this is awful! I'm 68 , my hubby is 79 and our lives have become a lot richer and more varied since we retired.
We're hardly home but need to be, because of lots of sorting out to do. However, we're making the most of the time we have together, the house can wait. Im not sure if it's down to what your older relatives were like at that age or not, but it can't be totally governed by that as my Dad died at 60 and my Mum at 70. My grandparents worked into their retirement as did my hubby, albeit not full time.
We've always been 'doers' though, getting actively involved in so many things. I think you can talk yourself into being old if you don't keep your mind alert and exercised. We have some amazing conversations with our kids, other relatives and friends.

I just wish I could be as physically active as I am in other ways but Im physically disabled. I do push myself to keep going physically though, as the alternative is a horrid thought. So, in short I suppose Im saying that you have got to want to keep interested and active.

It must be really frustrating. Im jn my 50s and my parents are 79 and 82, they are very active, travel, go sailing (on a little sailing boat not a fancy one on the river), cycle, walk, go out to pubs, do the quiz, go to the cinema, and walk a neighbours dog. They are fit through gardening and exercise, eating not loads of shit. They havent gone down a daily mail/reform/angry route (like my hard to be around PILs). Instead they are positive in their out look, and take things on the chin,
they do things like volunteer locally and are fun to be around.
They have had lots of shit over the years (murder of a parent, death of a young sibling, poverty, mental health shite, political issues etc) however they always look to the good.

Mid sixties my parents were still working in quite tricky jobs. They both retired at 67 and I really think my dad slowed down when he was 85 and that was because of ill health. My
mum has really only started to slow down recently and she is 90.
OP I hope they get a new lease of life.

Context: am reading the op after an argument with my adult DD
but maybe they are perfectly happy with their world getting smaller! DH and I no longer want to travel, work go to concerts etc. we’re perfectly happy with our own company in our own house and I for one am sick of my adult children making plans for me! (Thanks I needed that rant!)

I can empathise with you OP. My dad is totally fine, very active and positive for an 82 year old, easy going, tries to stay healthy and was going to the gym regularly until recently
My 75 yo mum on the other hand can be insufferable. She is very overweight, has a poor diet, no interest in improving her health, struggles with mobility due to poor fitness and COPD and therefore doesn't want to leave the house unless we drive somewhere- can't walk anywhere and therefore expects everyone to do the same/what she wants. She is so negative, critical and pessimistic it's actually very draining spending lots of time together. I try to let it go over my head and sometimes I hold my ground and say look we are doing x you can come or stay at home. If I go for a run, do any exercise or anything she wouldn't do im usually met with "what you doing that for you must be mad"........

Also the not being able to understand how to use the tv remote, mobile phone, etc.....all drives me nuts and serves as a reminder of how I dont want to be when I'm older. Very important to prioritise your health, mentally and physically and always keep learning, trying new things.
She doesn't like doing anything out of her comfort zone anymore and seems to be fearful of the unknown. Never used to be like this but has been for a while.

But, for instance, I am a very driven active person and I have had to learn not to be as it is so harmful to my health. It's depressing seeing so many people imply resting is a moral failing or weakness when it can take great strength

I don’t think it is an age thing per se, but more about what you have going on in your life. My DH is 66 and works part-time (forced semi-redundancy - he’d still be FT if his sector wasn’t in financial crisis) in a highly skilled job and is still very engaged, especially with our teenage children. However, I noticed with my own parents that it seemed to be more about having things to keep you engaged and your world ‘open’. My mum stayed active and worked (either paid or volunteering) until weeks before her death in her late 80s when it was physical health that took her before her time, my dad retired early in his 50s and his world got smaller and smaller very quickly.

I can see why you're frustrated. I think this is unusual for people in their mid sixties. I'm 60 and will be working till 67, like many. When I retire I fully intend to do all the things I don't have time for now (piano, art, reading, swimming). These should be their golden years before decline really starts. I don't know what you can do about it though. Alcohol in excess will not help their cognitive abilities but any change in lifestyle really has to come from them not you.

I disagree. Most people I know who are retired are more busy than they were when they worked. I've been retired for two years and am the exception, I'm not busy at all. However I am nothing like OP's parents, I'm out and about every day and have various interests, and in my head I'm barely out of my teens

My DF had a busier social calendar than me right up until his death at 89, and my DM was also busy and doing things until her mid-80s. I actually don't know any retired people whose world has shrunk, quite the opposite in fact as now they have time to do the things they want to do.

Thinking of my own parents and their friends, this seems very early. Sounds more like mid 70s onwards and then not inevitable. PIL are early 80s and didn’t join us for Christmas this year as they are travelling overseas.

It's something DP and I notice sharply as the contrast between his dad and mine is stark. They are the same age, 81, but his dad is very "old", has poorly managed diabetes, doesn't really do anything outside the home and although quite happy with it, it's a very unstimulating life.

My dad, in contrast, is very active and fit, helps a lot with his grandchildren and nieces, gardening, babysitting, going on holiday, enjoying sport etc. I think keeping moving and engaged with th "outside" world helps keeps you going, even if it's just the cinema once a week to see what people are watching!

In writing this, I'm realising I'm much more like my father in law than my dad so will have to put some energy into making energy once I'm a bit older!

Do they work? My DM and wonderful DSF don't. Mid 70s. I cried when they went home this week because I found it incredibly hard. My DSF was fine, but my mother? Hard to describe. She didn't feel old, just very immature, and saturated by Daily Fail rhetoric. It was strange. My DF still works and is 80 soon. Walks 5 miles a day. A feminist. Sparky. I'm convinced you cannot let your world grow smaller.

Like some other posters have said, I think the drinking could well be the issue here.

That will tend to make you impassive, antisocial, argumentative, judgemental and selfish.

If you’ve clocked they drink a fair bit, I’d put really good money on you not seeing the half of it. There will be more.
The drinking will be covering up for some existential issue: it invariably is.

Mid-60s is very young, they shouldn’t be languishing at that age and it is concerning for the future if they are.

On the other hand … this is not your circus and not your monkeys. Not your job to fix everything.

You could be me talking about my
own parents - similar age. It’s hard and painful! It spills over into their grandparenting. I try to appreciate the good times we have together whilst creating opportunities for doing nice things with them such as tickets for a birthday gift so we have a shared experience to talk about. Sending love!

What was it like growing up with yr parents, Op? Tell us about that ❤️.