To find it unbearable how my parents are aging

[SunflowerSpirit]

My parents are still relatively young (mid-sixties) but due to a combination of mental and physical health challenges they have both aged a huge amount in the last couple of years. Not helped by drinking (not to a crazy amount, but enough for them to not be very present in the room / behave out of character at times).

I find they become irritated by the most minor things and fixate on really small ‘issues’ or people / things they don’t like, wanting to rant and discuss them all the time. The repetitive conversation drives me mad. Especially when they ask me the same questions over and over again, without processing the answer and sometimes trying to provoke me into saying something different. They don’t seem to have the energy to do anything other than watch TV or the odd morning out and it makes me so sad that their world seems to be getting smaller and smaller. They don’t take an interest in things that they’re not interested in and judge / criticise so much more than they ever did. I feel like I can’t talk about my life as they either mock it or stop listening entirely, launching into their own story / rant.

I find it really unbearable to be around, to the point I almost zone out in their company (and then feel really guilty afterwards). The past couple of days I’ve felt so down and sad, almost grieving who they were before and what life was like before. I often struggle to know what to do - address some of it with them, to try and help them / find help? My default seems to be to park it to the back of my mind and I worry this isn’t good. Sometimes if feels so painful I just can’t engage. But is that me just avoiding the issue? Or is this part of the transition when parents age? My friends don’t seem to be going through the same so it can feel so lonely.

Are they not working as state pension wouldn’t start until 65-67?

@Ginmonkeyagain did you miss the part were the OP said her parents had mental and physical health issues? Your grandad was obviously very healthy into old age. We know that your grandad's lifestyle is the best for health. I live in an ex mining area and although it was physical work, it destroyed the bodies of the men doing it. The lack of clean air in city living and the damp conditions of the two-up- two- downs etc housing also took it's toll. Environmental and income/access to good food makes a difference.

I have a friend who is going down the route the OP describes. We've just had a fall out because, in trying to help, she's saying I'm interfering. So I'll be one less person regularly visiting. I have only seen her briefly over Christmas and it's been a relief. There's a few men in our peer group (58-66) who are becoming insufferable. This is in the local pubs and they are still working, so I think it's mindset, not just situational. However the 'older people need to completely stop drinking' etc can do one, we aren't less capable of making decisions for ourselves. Looking at the younger people around me, I wouldn't be telling them what they should be doing. So don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs.

I don't think this is universal

My parents are in their 70s (73 & 78). Mother volunteers regularly with two local charities, has a thriving social life with a group of former colleagues who are all retired now. My father goes walking with friends, goes to football matches. They both do various exercise groups and enjoy going to theatre/art/music.

They travel both in the UK and abroad, visiting friends and family, are very active with their grandchildren.

They do have health concerns and have become more cautious about some activities. The more exotic holidays have been pared back in favour of shorter breaks.

Their friends all seem similar to them

How much do they drink OP?

@Ponoka7 yes to a certain extent farming is healthier than other manual work, but this is not a competition. Many farmers have had double hip replacements by their mid sixties, a lot dealt with dangerous chemicals and it is one of the most dangerous professiona for depression and suicide.

As you say it is often mindset as well as health.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment, the variety of opinions / experiences / suggestions here have given me lots to think about and helped to put my situation into perspective. They’re not retired yet, but will be soon and I wonder if the final ‘slog’ of feeling really ready to retire but still working is also a factor (especially as the majority of friends and family of similar age are retired). I do think that several years of poor mental and physical health have impacted them, as travel and regular commitments such as groups were off the table for quite a while and I think they’re reticent to book / commit to anything for fear of having to cancel. But as their health improves this shouldn’t be as much of an issue. Hope isn’t lost, I think they have got themselves in a rut and hopefully with some encouragement they will start to broaden their life again. Thanks again all

Well thanks I guess for explaining that my lived experience is nonsense 👍

I suppose I will just will myself to be healthy well into my 80's despite doing 40 hours a week since I was 11 (yes really, 6 hours a day at school for a rest so they probably don't count!).

I have been having nerve blockers in my back since I was in my mid thirties due to the damage done by physical labour at a young age, perhaps I should tell the hospital not to bother as @Ginmonkeyagain says its nonsense?

Or, maybe your grandfather was a particularly strong genetic mix, maybe he struck lucky 🤷‍♀️ or maybe your post is nonsense and I will ignore your lived experience.

They’re very young to be acting so
old.

I am lying on my bed and can see my 77 year old neighbour practicing golf at the bottom of his garden. His garden is half an acre and he and his wife keep it completely beautiful. It was photographed for a magazine this year. His wife is 76 and teaches reformer Pilates from her own studio in their house. They are an example of ‘use it or lose it’. I hope we’re like them in 25 years time. Obviously, good health is key but staying active and interested is so important.

My own parents raged against the dying of the light. They were fit and active (walking, driving, gardening, volunteering) until the end (and that was when they were both over 90).

Let me start by saying I do drink alcohol, usually only at weekends, so I am no saint. But I am in my sixties, still working long hours, running or cycling pretty much every day, with a good social life. My brother and his wife, both just one year younger than me, drink daily and smoke, and are older in spirit than our very active mum. They have few interests outside the home, have lost friends over the years, and have a variety of health problems. Obviously smoking is harmful, but I really do think the alcohol plays a major part in them being old before their time, including giving them the health problems that weigh them down even further. We love them, but spending time with them can be so boring. Travelling is fraught with anxiety as I am always afraid my SIL will have (another!) heart attack as we hurry through big airports or stroll around sightseeing.

@JingleMyBellsChristmasSmells equally your experience is just your experience. Not all manual workers are condemned to become old before their time, just as all office workers will not become fit and spritely 80 year olds.

Yours is a pretty niche experience, there can't be many 11 year olds in the last 40 years or so in the UK who were doing 40 hours a week of heavy manual labour.

In my opinion, OP, being "old" is a mindset that can often be out of our control. Some people are born old, others are born young, and as we age biologically, those of an old mindset seem to to find their place as their physical age catches up with their mental one.

I'm sure we all know people in their 30s, for example, who will bemoan being too old for certain things, and others in their 60s who are still dancing on tables, like a PP's boss.

While you can encourage older people to do certain things that are universally acknowledged to be good for them, if they've decided they're too old then they just won't. Even activities that are associated with the older generation, like bowls, will be too much for them. It's a shame to see it happening when you're parents are only in their 60s, but if that's how their minds work then it'll be tough to persuade them otherwise.

I'm a brand new pensioner at 66 and have some mild mobility issues, but I was born young so I will not let anything deter me from doing what I want to do. Currently swim and power-walk, and have just resumed karate after a long gap. I've learned two musical instruments this year and now play in a band, am politically active (NOT Reform or any right-wing nonsense!) and have a wider circle of friends now than I did 20 years ago. But if this isn't your mindset then you won't do it. My DC worries about when their Dad retires, they imagine him as the type you describe and are trying to encourage him to be active. But he's they type that used to say "I'm getting old" when we were in our late 20s and he's been mentally old ever since, so won't even contemplate not being "old" now.

I'm not saying give up on them, OP, but do be aware of what you are up against.

P.S. I also drink, but not to excess. Well, not every time... 🍷

Oh, I hear you. My mother's determined that she is 'old' - she's 67 and in reasonably good health, but was recently talking to my 80-something step grandad as though they were comparable ages ('now we're getting older...'). Completely bizarre. She refuses to get on board with tech and can barely use a cashpoint. Apparently they didn't have all that 'in my day'. Never mind that most people her age are getting on with it, including my dad who is 70!

She's really got worse since she retired last year, and now only socialises with a set group of people her own age and older.

She's become horribly judgemental, harps on about small boats and is an apologist for the likes of Andrew Mountbatten Windsor. This is a massive departure as she was always very left wing.

My sister and I are genuinely wondering about some kind of cognitive decline. She's very difficult to deal with, tbh.

@YourZippyHare I'm the same age as your mum. I don't get people my age claiming ignorance of tech. We worked with it much of our working lives. We were using computers years before the internet was invented. It's true that tech changes but it's actually got easier to use not harder!

Completely agree! My dad was working in IT from the advent of computers really hitting the workplace, early eighties onwards. There's no excuse for it, it's just my mum being... well, my mum. It's quite concerning that she appears to be unable to understand that her peer group are not struggling or taking that attitude at all.

Im 67 and hope to God I'm not like that..
I live alone with both my daughters n Grandkids a 10 min walk away.
We see each other often.. go out for lunch/ shoping/ shows/ holidays/ swimming etc.. im going to see The Cure with my 21 year old Grandson next year..
My eldest sister is 72 and not like your parents either..
Yes that's why they make vanilla and chocolate.. we are not all the same..

They’re far too young to be like this. I’d be worried about the drink, or early onset dementia. That or they’re just leading such quiet, sheltered lives that they’ve prematurely aged. Not a huge amount you can do if they won’t socialise/get active, but it must be very hard on you. Do you have siblings who can help manage this with you?

I had a late DGAunt and DGUncle like this - drank like fish for years, became hermits essentially and he retired young. Sadly she had schizophrenia from her early 40s though, so the drink became a crutch for both of them.

I think I went to great lengths to say (not all) in my original post 🤷‍♀️

This is exactly my situation. Similar ages and started after retirement, though on reflection they were never very open minded nor interesting before retirement, quite socially awkward, and openly racist/sexist. Particularly my father, but the fact that my mother has simply tolerated and enabled it irks me a lot. They have literally zero interests anymore. When they do go out/away/do anything, they moan, complain, find fault with something, every. Single. Time. It is so tiring. I tried so hard to involve them in my DC’s lives when they were younger but I stopped when it was always me doing all of the organising, and usually paying for the activities/meals out etc. and invariably there would be something to moan about and/or they would look miserable/create tension for the whole time. So I have stopped.

I feel terribly conflicted that they might in reality not have many years left, and I am an only child, so carry the burden of what is yet to come with their care etc. I feel like I should be making the most of them… but honestly being around them just makes me miserable!

Interesting to note the points re. alcohol making this worse. They are both big drinkers and always have been.

I’m 67 and most certainly remain very engaged with the world. I love discussing current affairs and picking apart more or less any issue but find many younger people so unaware it becomes difficult!

@Buttons0522 I'm the same. And it's a bit strange (and somhow conforting?) to feel somewhere there someone else going through the same thing. I'm conflicted too. And I do feel this has been always the case, just got worse over the years. But it was a bit let down seing how they would not have any interest on their grandchilldren.
My mother being worse than my dad but also racist, misogynist and very intolerant. Never happy if you bring her out. All I want to say is you aren't alone. x

I was going to say something similar. My DF left school at 14 and lived until 89, and was active up until the last couple of months. Most of the elderly I know would have left school at an early age, and none went on to tertiary education. They all led full lives and kept active and engaged.

Thank you for your message @Manyredpoppies
You’re right - it is strangely comforting to not be alone in this!
I think I carry a lot of guilt, shame, regret about my relationship with them and it’s rather confusing!

I don’t think what you’ve described is unusual in people towards the end of their lives. I can see some signs of this in my own parents, but they are 87 and 83. I would say it’s very concerning considering your parents are only mid-60s with possibly decades longer to live.

Seems quite young to be acting like this

I do not think this is unusual, and being part of a couple like this can be something of a spiral because each enables the other. I have a few friends a bit like this in our late forties and I find it both sad and very irritating.

That having been said, I do recall my DM in particular struggling a lot at this stage of life, in the last couple of years of full time work (social worker in safeguarding so a tough gig.) She was knackered, joyless and jaded. Once she’d retired and grandchildren came along, she had a huge new lease of life and it hasn’t let up. She and my DF at 80 are great fun to be around now. Life comes in waves and even older people can change so there is hope!