‘Donating to charity’ rather than giving Xmas gifts to grandchildren

[Dongdingmerrily]

What do we think of this? That’s what my kids are told they are being ‘given’ by my DH’s parents for the past few years.

My DM does this and the kids like it - they appreciate the need for, eg, bikes for countries where bikes are scarce. But they are older (teens) and live in another country from DM. It might be more difficult for younger kids to have that same appreciation.

How old are you children? If they are adults, I think it's still a bit mean but if they are still young children, I think they are out of order.

If your in-laws are generous and charitable people, they should make donations to their chosen charities and still buy their grandchildren presents.

Do they ask the recipient which charity they would like to support or do they choose the ones they consider worthy? If it is the latter, it's really not a gift at all. It's them feeling charitible and virtuous when not actually spending any more money.

Do your children need more stuff? How many people don’t send cards and donate to charity which is acceptable?
I presume your children get gifts from aunts, uncles, friends and they’re not just sat looking into an empty stocking. Maybe moving forward they can choose the charity.

I actually think why are the children expected to 'give up' their gift for charity why cant the grandparents give up something they would enjoy for charity since they are the ones wanting to donate. Im sure they buy themselves unecessary items or have treats.

I know the children arent entitled to a gift but why the performance of saying we would have spent this on you but we thought the donkey sanctuary deserved it more.

The children can donate to thier own charities in thier own way.

I think it's mean. If you aren't going to get your gc a gift, just own it.

Donate to charity if you want to, but don't try to pass it off as a gift.

This is the grandparents way of opting out of having to consider what to buy.

There’s no reason why GPs can’t give to charity all year round but still buy a token gift for grandchildren.

When people say, we don’t send cards/gifts but give to charity instead, I want to ask them to show me the receipt. I’m sceptical.

I don’t like it. Charity should be freely given not used as point scoring message. I think it’s one thing if the child has asked for a charity gift- some do- but there is something quite controlling about giving to charity in someone else’s name as their gift. If this was going to be gift giving for the future, I’d at least want the kids to pick the charity and it not be something chosen by the grandparents to make them feel good.

I think your DH's parents have misunderstood charity giving.

The idea was for you to ask your relatives to buy an Oxfam goat instead of buying a gift to give to you - not for you to tell everyone that you're not buying them gifts but donating instead.

Because let's face it - there's a good chance they're not giving to charity at all.

I hope you don't buy them gifts.

Depends on age of children. If teenagers they should be ok about it and understand that gifting to charity benefits those who aren’t as fortunate as themselves.

This is how I feel too. Its a sly thing to do because its making them sound all noble and generous when actually, its the grandkids making the sacrifice of having no presents.

I give to charity regularly so am fully pro that but I think the way this is done is not kind.

If I was a kid and had this done to me I would return the favour when I got older. "I'd love to visit you nan but I am volunteering at the homeless shelter instead - I am sure you understand since you appreciate charity so much!"

I've never understood conflating these two completely separate things at all.

Children are teens. No evidence of donation to charity or questions about causes they might support. Just ‘we are donating to (our own chosen) instead of giving you gifts.’

Personally I think it’s mean, even though our kids don’t ’need’ more stuff! Not even sure I believe they donate tbh.

They should forgo their own treats instead. Of course they don’t have to buy the children any gifts but to donate to a charity of their choice instead is rubbish.

Would they donate to a charity the child chooses even if they don’t agree with it?

Or is this about them virtue signalling?

I think if you're going to donate to charity as a gift, the other person should be able to choose which charity

I would ask to see proof on the charity donation as I think a lot of the time people say this they don’t actually follow through with the donation and it’s just an excuse not to buy a gift. I think that if you are going to do this the “recipient” should get to choose the charity.

Awful. If they want to donate to a charity they should say ‘rather than buy me a present would you mind donating to X on my behalf’ always on the understanding that the giver has the option to say, ‘no thanks I’d rather not’. It’s really mean to take money you’d spend on someone else and donate it - you’re depriving someone else of a gift rather than missing out yourself.

Nobody needs to be ‘taught’ how lucky they are by being deprived of a present. Gift giving and receiving is lovely and should be separated from charitable donating. You do both for different reasons and conflating the two is puritanical and joyless.

It is mean and if it's as person's present it should be charity chose by them. So yout kids should at the very least be able to say which charity.

If they were struggling with not knowing what to get their grandchildren, they could ask the parents for guidance or put money into the children's savings accounts. It's not an either/or...

I'm all for donations to charity but I don't do it on behalf of someone else, that's unfair. It should be down to every recipient whether they want to donate or not, not enforced as "You're not getting a present from me because I've donated the funds elsewhere, Merry Christmas little Timmy". And they probably haven't donated either, just to rub salt in the wound.

I hope you are doing the same with their gifts.

You could apply this to any discretionary spend. It’s just plain mean

I would just ask questions like what charity, how do you do it, can the kids pick the charity? You’ll soon see if they’re telling the truth or not. If they want to donate to a charity they should be saying to you please don’t buy for us instead can you donate to X charity on our behalf.

Do they accept presents themselves ?

Absolutely this.

Teens are too polite to say anything 😂Equally I haven’t mentioned to DH I think it’s pretty crappy and he hasn’t expressed any opinion. I was just curious to hear what others think…thanks for thoughts and glad I’m not alone in my views.

I have childless friends (ie no reciprocating issues) who have a lot of friends / extended family with kids who do this every year for all those kids collectively. They always choose interesting and relevant charities and to be honest the parents love not having extra random token presents and the older kids like looking into the charities. But they still buy for actual nieces and nephews etc. I think doing it for actual close family is a bit much!