Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Donating to charity’ rather than giving Xmas gifts to grandchildren

99 replies

Dongdingmerrily · 26/12/2025 09:24

What do we think of this? That’s what my kids are told they are being ‘given’ by my DH’s parents for the past few years.

OP posts:
Sartre · 26/12/2025 11:21

I think it’s mean spirited to do this to children of any age and since there’s no evidence they’re actually donating, they may just say it to save money. I’d rather someone just be honest and say that they can’t afford gifts.

Aplstrudl · 26/12/2025 11:25

Very tight and mean. Give them a goat for their birthdays and Xmas.

mamajong · 26/12/2025 11:25

AllPlayedOut · 26/12/2025 11:20

Of course it’s up to them but it isn’t actually a gift in any way, shape or form. OP’s teens haven’t requested that their Grandparents donate to charity instead so there’s no gift element. If they were passionate about X cause and requested that their grandparents donate to that particular cause instead of giving them a gift, that would be different.

Show quote history

So what?? We dont know the whole story, maybe gps think the kids are entitled or already had enough stuff or dont appreciate it. My point is they are not entitled to a gift anyway. It doesnt read that they made a donation in their name, they just said they are donating to charity rather than buying gifts and thats up to them surely?? Perhaps they arent donating at all but are skint anf dont want to share their financial woes. Who knows but i maintain its up to them.

titchy · 26/12/2025 11:28

Next year donate to Reform/Green party on their behalf (depending on their political persuasion).

Coffeeishot · 26/12/2025 11:30

Dongdingmerrily · 26/12/2025 09:24

What do we think of this? That’s what my kids are told they are being ‘given’ by my DH’s parents for the past few years.

It is up to them really they probably think your kids "have enough" and are a bit spoiled hence the grand gesture I would ignore it get the kids to ignore it.

YodasHairyButt · 26/12/2025 11:35

Lazy cop out. I’d be asking specifically which charity they’ve donated to, I bet they’ve done no such thing. Absolutely fine to not buy gifts for whatever reason you want, but be honest about it instead of pretending altruism.

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 26/12/2025 11:45

They’ve got this the wrong way round. A donation to charity is what someone asks for for themselves, not what they do to save the effort of choosing a present for someone.

My DH couldn’t think of anything he needed so asked DS to make a donation to a specific charity on his behalf. Would have been very different had he made the donation himself instead of buying a gift for DS.

jannier · 26/12/2025 11:49

Dongdingmerrily · 26/12/2025 09:46

Children are teens. No evidence of donation to charity or questions about causes they might support. Just ‘we are donating to (our own chosen) instead of giving you gifts.’

Personally I think it’s mean, even though our kids don’t ’need’ more stuff! Not even sure I believe they donate tbh.

Edited

I hope you all returned thr sentiments and told them their gifts are donations to each child snd adults favourite cause

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 26/12/2025 11:51

I have made a donation to a local charity for a family member who is very explicit about not wanting gifts. However she is nearly 70. I wouldn’t do this for children. It’s mean.

Starsea · 26/12/2025 11:52

I think donating to charity is a gift to the charity not to the individual. I would rather someone say "I'm not buying Xmas present this year (due to waste or whatever other reason)" and then just donate the money to charity.

I just don't understand how it can be a gift if it isn't directed at you.

I think the only circumstances where I would consider this a legitimate gift is if it was donated to a charity close to someone heart which they were involved in and felt personally invested in.

mondaytosunday · 26/12/2025 12:06

A friend, who had no need to buy my kids anything, used to do this and they got the card with the donkey or chickens or whatever it was that was donated. They were totally fine about it as it was an actual donation and they wouldn’t really have expected a present from this person.
But if there’s a chance they give lip service to donating without actually getting around to doing it I’d not be impressed, and I think if under 12 then the kids should get a present, it doesn’t need to be much.

CatsMagic · 26/12/2025 12:10

Rocksandstone · 26/12/2025 09:49

Awful. If they want to donate to a charity they should say ‘rather than buy me a present would you mind donating to X on my behalf’ always on the understanding that the giver has the option to say, ‘no thanks I’d rather not’. It’s really mean to take money you’d spend on someone else and donate it - you’re depriving someone else of a gift rather than missing out yourself.

Nobody needs to be ‘taught’ how lucky they are by being deprived of a present. Gift giving and receiving is lovely and should be separated from charitable donating. You do both for different reasons and conflating the two is puritanical and joyless.

Absolutely agree with this - and the similar posts.

KrystalStubbs · 26/12/2025 12:21

Reminds me of Karen's "gift" of a goat 🤣https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1176418330510950&vanity=outnumberedofficial

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/12/2025 12:22

TigerRag · 26/12/2025 09:48

I think if you're going to donate to charity as a gift, the other person should be able to choose which charity

Yes, this.

Twinkletoes127 · 26/12/2025 12:23

Sure. Of course donate if you want to and can. But buy the kids an experience day out, or some swimming lessons etc.
I dont buy my grandkids anything for Xmas, never have. They fet a trip to the pantomime a d all tbe tat that goes with it

DenizenOfAisleOfShame · 26/12/2025 12:24

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2025 09:41

I think your DH's parents have misunderstood charity giving.

The idea was for you to ask your relatives to buy an Oxfam goat instead of buying a gift to give to you - not for you to tell everyone that you're not buying them gifts but donating instead.

Because let's face it - there's a good chance they're not giving to charity at all.

I hope you don't buy them gifts.

The idea was for you to ask your relatives to buy an Oxfam goat instead of buying a gift to give to you - not for you to tell everyone that you're not buying them gifts but donating instead.

Exactly.

As for the posters saying “maybe the OP’s kids are entitled and ungrateful”…what sort of made-up rubbish is that? There’s no reason to think it’s true and even if it was, the grandparents should speak to the parents, not start donating to some charity as a ‘corrective’.

WiltedLettuce · 26/12/2025 12:39

mamajong · 26/12/2025 11:11

Im surprised by the responses on here, surely its up to them what they do with their money? No one should expect a gift, family or otherwise. Christmas seems so entitled now with peoples gift expectations sky high. I appreciate gifts but dont expect them and have raised my kids the same. I think its fine but clearly im in the minority!

If you're not giving gifts, either say "we're not giving gifts" or don't mention it at all.

Don't waffle on about charity donations and expect people who didn't receive anything from you to be grateful.

RedAndGreenShouldAlwaysBeSeen · 26/12/2025 12:56

I'm all for reducing consumption and waste, frequently buy / receive second hand gifts, and mostly only do kids' gifts anyway. But I absolutely can't stand the performative nature of donating to charity on someone else's behalf. (Unless they've specifically requested, like I did with my wedding for example).

You can choose to donate to charity. You can choose not to do gifts. Both absolutely valid options. But I've never understood how it's so virtuous to deprive a different person of a treat on their behalf? Surely you deprive yourself of something in order to give?

Kimura · 26/12/2025 13:06

Is this just for your children's presents? Or do they do this for everyone? I know a couple who make one big charity donation in lieu of buying anyone presents every other year.

To be honest, if the kids aren't bothered I'd just let them crack on. If they are, maybe they could ask for charity vouchers/a donation to a specific charity ahead of time next year.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2025 13:09

It's quite acceptable to ask others for your OWN gift from them to be a donation to charity. It's completely wrong to decide that SOMEONE ELSE'S gift from you is going to be a donation to someone else. That's for them to decide. If she'd asked the gc what they wanted and they said "I really don't want anything, Grandma, I would love for you to just make a donation to charity if you really want to spend money on me".

Deadringer · 26/12/2025 13:12

TheMorgenmuffel · 26/12/2025 09:51

I hope you are doing the same with their gifts.

This. I have done donation gifts before, but not for children/teens, only for adults who have more money than me and don't want or need any more 'stuff'. At the very least i think they should give them info on the charity so the child feels involved.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2025 13:18

Anyway, it's clear that from every year now on, your DH's parents prefer charity donations as Christmas presents, so that's what you should also buy for them. I genuinely would assume that so wouldn't expect them to have an issue with that. Saves you putting any hassle or stress into what to get them, anyway.

I remember a relative's ex-wife once decided that they would buy everyone a charity donkey for a village in Africa for Christmas. I don't think she had forewarned anyone of this, so when we visited theirs it ended up with them sat with a small pile of presents, chocolates etc for herself and her DH while we all sat round with a card with a donkey on. I always wondered if she was so charitable that she gave all her presents to charity or ate/used everything herself. 😆

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 26/12/2025 13:18

Are they doing anything like sponsoring an animal etc where the children at least get a certificate? I think that’s fine because the recipient does receive a token gift. What’s not fine is a vague muttering about donating to an unknown charity and the recipient receives zero. I don’t think you really can ‘donate to charity instead’ on someone else’s behalf when they didn’t ask for that or even choose the charity. That is nothing other than not buying them a present.

Sausagescanfly · 26/12/2025 13:21

My DDs get a charity gift from us every year, but not as a substitute for actual presents. Now they are old enough to choose their own charity, which is quite nice to do in a season of consumerism.

TorroFerney · 26/12/2025 13:39

mamajong · 26/12/2025 11:11

Im surprised by the responses on here, surely its up to them what they do with their money? No one should expect a gift, family or otherwise. Christmas seems so entitled now with peoples gift expectations sky high. I appreciate gifts but dont expect them and have raised my kids the same. I think its fine but clearly im in the minority!

Come on, a child shouldn't expect a present from their grandparent? That's utterly ridiculous. The way op describes it i would lay money on the fact that these children aren't ungrateful louts. Obviously if a grandparent is senile or has no money at all that's perfectly fine or has many to buy for.