‘Donating to charity’ rather than giving Xmas gifts to grandchildren

[Dongdingmerrily]

What do we think of this? That’s what my kids are told they are being ‘given’ by my DH’s parents for the past few years.

Do the DC give their grandparents gifts?

My ILs have done this in the past and it's really bothered me. By all means choose a charity donation instead of a gift for yourself, but choosing it on behalf of someone else in lieu of a gift that you might otherwise get them is just completely non-sensical. And I think it comes across as a bit holier than thou, like the implication is that they're doing it because they want the children to care less about gifts. And I say this as someone who is generally very happy for my kids to have a very low-key, fairly low-spend Xmas.

I never challenged it because it only happened the one year. It's difficult though because it's their money and they're free to do what they like with it. I think if I ever were going to challenge it, I'd say something like "of course you're free to donate to charity in lieu of gifts, but it makes me uncomfortable that the donation is presented as a gift for the children. Please feel free to keep donating instead of buying gifts if you'd like, but I'd like to stop presenting it as a gift to the children"

Next year tell them early which charity you are donating to in lieu of their gifts. Perhaps they would like to donate to the same charity?

I wouldn't mind as long as it applied to all the grandchildren.

My husband's bitch of a stepmother spoils her grandchild but 'won't allow' any time or money to be spent her our DC (her husband's GC. He is too much of a fanny to stand up to her).

No, we've never exchanged gifts with DGPs either way, due to distance and timing. So the DCs never expected anything - which makes the charity donation a nice extra in their eyes.

OPs kids may or may not be entitled, it’s totally beside the point. Anyone who wants to give to to charity in lieu of Christmas presents need to be honest and say something ‘we can’t afford individual Christmas presents this year, so we’re not giving any gifts, however if you want to get us something, we’d really appreciate a donation to X charity in our name.
OR we feel giving clutter is bad for the planet and too commercialised so we’re not giving gifts, but if you are thinking of getting me something then please give to this charity on my behalf.
OR we can’t be arsed with Christmas anymore, we’d love to see you, but we’re not doing gifts, and please don’t get any gifts for us either as at our age we really don’t need anything else, just your company, but if you really want to give us something please make a donation to X.
Or we’re on a mission to stop polluting the planet, But Christmas is a time of giving, so this year we’re buying gifts from charity shops, we’ll try and find things you like / want, but please feel free to re-donate them. We don’t need gifts anymore, but if you do want to give us something, we’d welcome something from a charity shop.

there is absolutely no need to say ‘we’re not giving presents this year as we’re donating to charity’. It’s fine to have got to the stage when you’re done with buying and wrapping presents, but it’s absolutely shit to make people feel guilty or feel bad, because they’d like a gift and not a charity donation (and generally decent people will feel guilty that they have that thought process, because they’d feel like a total heel for wanting a gift, and then feel crappy for not going ‘yay give my gift to charity’. It’s also not a gift, if it hasn’t been requested as such. Of course anyone can do what they like with their money, and of course no one should expect a gift, but equally done say ‘the money we would have spent on you, is going to a charity’ it’s passive aggressive.

For real you'd want to see the receipt? Wow. Why should they have to justify themselves?

Feels like it's donating someone else's money to me. It pretty tight. Massive virtue signalling.

They sound mean. I’m
pretty sure they’re not giving to charity. If they were it should be something where you get some kind of update or cuddly toy even then it’s a crap gift

I think this is a passive aggressive way of saying they think your kids have enough stuff already.

It's a shitty thing to do imo. Give to charity if you want, but why do it in lieu of giving a present to a grandchild?

It's sending a message. They don't sound like nice people.

Thats bollocks and sending you a message.
It is NOT a gift.

its not a gift if they dont receive anything unless they actively chose to give charity which they arent doing

I'd tell them not to bother doing anything for the kids and donate to whatever charity they want themselves in theirnown name...dont let them "pretend" they are giving their GC anything when they are giving them sweet FA.

its fine to do cash - but unless you and the father are multi billionaires GPs should put it in a JISA or JSIPP for kids futures.
Id be pissed off with this is actually think its a really PA horrible thing to do.

Wow, so many opinions! 😂Thank you.

For the record I wouldn’t mind if they asked my kids if any charity was particularly meaningful to them and made a donation in their name… and I don’t think kids would mind either tbh.

I’d think it was more questionable to say ‘we’ve donated X to Y charity in your name’ and show the kids some evidence of that. But to just say ‘we’re donating to charity instead of presents’, with no clear indication that they truly did that, just seems lazy and quite mean - and who knows whether or not they actually did?!

Do you buy presents for them? If so, stop and donate to charity (or just give to your teens instead... 😉)

I would just do the same with their present, donating to a charity the kids want you to

Lots of charities will have a card or e-card or download to give to the person so if they haven't done that then I would assume that a gift on behalf of the grandchildren hasn't actually been made. And as OP says try and find a charity that fits in with the grandchildren's interests or beliefs.

I would expect grandparents to get a token gift e.g. bar of chocolate or small item bought in a charity shop as well.

It's not me doing it 🤣 each to their own

Ive raised my kids not to 'expect' gifts but be grateful for what they get. But you do you, we dont have to agree

I actually think this is brilliant. It models generosity, teaches children that Christmas isn’t only about receiving, and helps them grow up with an awareness of others beyond their own world. That feels like a really valuable gift in itself.

Children generally have plenty of “stuff”, but what stays with them longer are the values they absorb—kindness, compassion, and understanding that they’re part of something bigger. Knowing that their grandparents chose to help others in their name can be quietly powerful.

I also think it shows thoughtfulness rather than lack of effort. It’s intentional, values-led giving, and it comes from a place of love. As long as the children feel remembered and cherished in other ways, I can only see positives.

Christmas can hold both joy and generosity—and this leans beautifully into the latter.

People dont have to do anything tbh. Im not the person doing it just sharing my opinion, which im entitled to have as are you to yours

I would prefer to put the money into savings that do that as no doubt the GC will need help.one day unless the family is loaded.

The only thing going through my head here was my late great grandma who got sucked in to a toxic religious organisation more so as she was getting older. She was always religious, but it was something about the latter stages of life that made her closer to it all (understandable and I never judge people on their faith), however this organisation (family live abroad) was absolutely preying on older people. All of her pension went on donations (various direct debits, direct donations). Do you think the GCs could have become closer and closer to a ‘cause’? Not even religious, but anything really - animals, hospices. They may actually believe that all spare cash needs to be passed on to this specific charity, including your DCs gifts.

Exactly! They could do both - even a token gift