To be fuming that DH has spent the whole day on his laptop?

[MamaOnTheCoast]

DH has spent the whole day on his laptop “working” in his home office and he hasn’t even seen me and the DC all day! He was up at 5am (the kids woke up at 6am) and he is still in his home office “working” now so we haven’t seen him all day! He even refused Christmas dinner as he said he was “too busy working”. DH does a senior office based job and he wasn’t meant to be working at all over Christmas but he is saying he apparently has to work today “because it’s urgent”! It’s Christmas Day and we haven’t seen him all day and DH can’t see the problem with this! The kids are really upset about it too! AIBU to be livid with DH over this? DH literally doesn’t see the problem but I’m fuming and the kids are upset too!

My DH (fortunately retired now) was in an industry, and at a level of seniority, where he did sometimes have to suddenly jump on a call to manage a problem, and this did happen during Christmases, birthdays and holidays.

But he always at least had the decency to explain what the issue was and to give an estimate of how long it was likely to take to resolve. And also - crucially - he was being paid at a level to justify this level of disruption to our family lives…

For 15 hours? Gaming maybe?

Markets are closed aren’t they?

Trades are all written, everyone in middle office has fucked off on leave, chin chin!

Well said

There are all sorts of senior-level jobs where something can go wrong at the worst possible time and it’s all hands on deck to get it sorted. Particularly client-facing industries where there is the risk of huge reputational damage if an aspect of the client’s account has inadvertently been mishandled. Plus, it being Christmas Day means that the seniors really are on the hook to get it resolved themselves - they don’t want to disturb the Christmases of more junior colleagues who aren’t being paid enough to justify that level of disruption.

Totally unacceptable on his behalf, especially when you have foster children who by nature of being children in care will require stability and a lot of attention. UNLESS he really does have a good work-related excuse. But that doesn't sound likely.

What work he does is very relevant here, but for some reason you have chosen to not yet say what his job (in general terms) is OP?

I’m normally thinking cherchez la femme….but honestly who the fuck has time to be speaking to him all day?

I can’t imagine an affair partner needing him to be on his laptop from 5am to 8pm or later… it doesn’t make sense?

Don’t believe that for one minute. Doing this to his children today is just plain abusive and unforgivable, this will be scarring them for life. Get in there and tell him to come out and show some love for his children or leave and sleep somewhere else. If he won’t leave, call the police to have him removed. And yeah pulling out the router and hiding it in your car is def an option also!
No one in the office or corporate world works today, there is something seriously amiss with what he is saying to you. Sorry OP

He is having an affair. Sorry

We need more back story as to what his field of work is, and what hes normally like. Spending 17 hours locked away on Christmas Day is not acceptable unless its life and death....he either gives you a decent explanation or he can go and do whatever he is doing elsewhere.

And your poor foster children....have they ever had a nice Christmas?

I stand by what I said. Even an all hands on deck situation wouldn't require him being on continually for the whole day nor would it preclude him keeping his wife in the picture.

No office job is that important. He's choosing to be absent.

There is however no job that doesn't allow you the time to explain to your wife and 4 foster kids why your job is more important than them.

So his employer requires at least two employees to be working on Christmas Day?

Utter bollocks.

My vote would be that he is busy talking to his affair partner. Sorry, but far more likely than his obvious fiction.

How did he behave last Christmas? Were your foster children with you then?

Does he view himself as a foster parent? Or is it that, in his mind, you foster as your job - and he just lives in the same house?

I can see him thinking you are working (looking after the foster children) and it's nothing to do with him

How long have you had the children (if more than a year how was he last christmas)

First thing I thought is that he is handling some kind of disaster recovery, and worried sick, but that being so he could have told you.

Sorry OP but this is up here with one of the weirdest behaviours I've read on here and I'm 14 years in to mumsnet. I live with my exh for now, and even he manages to communicate like a normal human being if he gets caught up with work

I'm sorry, whatever the reason for this behaviour. This sounds really hard.

This.

Oh what ? This has to be a wind up.
Teams meeting on Xmas day ? He's taking you for a mug.
Turn off to WiFi and call a friend round for support.

it does seem implausible that this is a genuine work situation tbh. I wouldn’t be as quick as some to jump to affair but I’d be thinking about his mental health and whether something has happened or whether he’s fucked up at work and is trying to fix it while no-one’s around.

My husband has been on call lots over Christmas. Normally it has been a ‘I’m really sorry, shit has hit the fan I’m going to have to work.’ type situation and it’s normally an hour of emails or calls and some email and phone checking over the course of the day. Whenever it’s happened he’s been quite pissed off and open about what has happened and how he’s trying to sort it.

I totally agree here.
my dh works for a huge American company and his team deals with 3 different time zones so he often works stupid hours, 8-8 on a good day but can be 8-12 at peak times. It drives me nuts but I know he loves his job and it’s who he is. BUT there’s no way he would work Christmas Day- never in his career has he worked Christmas Day and no one else in his team would. Unless there is a huge issue with cyber security etc.
has he not eaten at all?
if you have young children I’d be seriously thinking about the relationship.
sending a great big hug and support- I get how hard it is x

What's his mental health usually like? Is he neurodivergent? I still don't think either make his behaviour acceptable but might go some way in explaining it.

Lots of us know what it's like to have an urgent situation at work that can be time consuming. It doesn't explain anything.

Sounds fishy to me! Are you really believing that something could be so urgent that he wouldn’t come in briefly for presents then for dinner? Nope.

The behaviour just seems far too obvious to be an affair. My friends who have had their long-time partners engage in long-term affairs that they subsequently discovered all report of much sneakier behaviour. I’d wager more that he isn’t as invested in being a foster parent as OP.