To be fuming that DH has spent the whole day on his laptop?

[MamaOnTheCoast]

DH has spent the whole day on his laptop “working” in his home office and he hasn’t even seen me and the DC all day! He was up at 5am (the kids woke up at 6am) and he is still in his home office “working” now so we haven’t seen him all day! He even refused Christmas dinner as he said he was “too busy working”. DH does a senior office based job and he wasn’t meant to be working at all over Christmas but he is saying he apparently has to work today “because it’s urgent”! It’s Christmas Day and we haven’t seen him all day and DH can’t see the problem with this! The kids are really upset about it too! AIBU to be livid with DH over this? DH literally doesn’t see the problem but I’m fuming and the kids are upset too!

I’m assuming that he’s the type that contributes nothing to Christmas preparations or the day to day tasks of running the home?

Turn the WiFi off

Very odd behaviour! A firm word and honesty (from him) definitely needed

I think this is a very valid question.

I don’t know that it’s obvious that OP would have mentioned what his job is if it contextualised his behaviour as more reasonable than she perceives it to be. Which is understandable because she’s really pissed off with him that she’s been left alone with four children. All I’m saying is that the people dismissing the possibility of senior computer-based jobs featuring long, antisocial hours are mistaken.

Turn the internet off. I know it sounds petty but it’s Christmas and he gave you no forewarning.

Check your router logs to see what websites he’s visited today. Information, and knowledge, is power. Use wireshark if you have to, find out what he’s been doing.

There is nothing so urgent that it requires 12+ undisturbed hours in a home office on a laptop on Christmas Day with absolutely no notice or explanation. Fuck that and fuck him for doing that to you and the children.

What is he usually like? Is this completely out of the blue?
It seems like something must have happened. What is he avoiding?

Addiction, affair or avoidance.

I’d put money on him
talking to someone he shouldn’t be!! Very fishy

But what? What home-based computer job would involve working 16+ hours on Christmas Day? Which absolutely has to be done on that day, and can’t wait? I’m a senior lawyer at a very intense firm, and even we wouldn’t expect this!

It sounds horribly likely that he's waiting for Christmas to be over to drop the news that he's moving out. He's already moved out mentally.

Affair unfortunately.

More context needed on his job etc, as others have said. I have a desk based job that I fully admit to working antisocial and long hours at, including times of being in my home office at 5am and still there in the evening not having left or moved during the day, and have genuinely been working the whole time. I wouldn't do it out of choice on Christmas Day but am well aware that it's not a far fetched possibility, but more likely a personal boundaries issue

I was going to ask this too. I’m an adoptive parent and when we did transitions with one of our DC, it was clear that the husband in the foster carer couple was not on board. They have since split up.

Can you hint at what type of business it is? Unless the whole company is about to go under I’d be fuming though. Maybe he has watched too many 80s movies where the ‘dads’ think their jobs are more important than the family.

@MamaOnTheCoast Unless he is Father Christmas and his sleigh has spontaneously combusted, there is no emergency that warrants missing the entire day of Christmas.

How on earth are you so calm about this?

Yeh so i’d definitely be turning the wifi off. Nothing is that urgent on Xmas day. He is very very dim if he can’t see that leaving you with four kids is completely wrong and abnormal on Xmas day.

Sounds like work is an excuse for not parenting especially if he can't tell you what is so urgent.

Uh oh.....

Even more sad as they are foster children so likely to have had very difficult times in their lives already 😕

I don’t want to be a cliche but… cherchez la femme.

Fuck that shit! Turn the router off and call him out.
He’s checked out 🫷🏻and talking to someone else

Bullshit is he working OP. I’m in investment banking, we work ridiculous hours, not a single person would be expected to work those hours on Christmas Day.

Jesus, those poor kids. For whatever reason, they’re away from their own families and placed with carers who should be providing them with stability and a positive life. Acting like that on Christmas Day and taking joy away from children who have already lost so much is appalling. This would be a ltb for me, and I think that’s my first ever one on here.