Am I asking too much do you think four months into dating?

[Scottishmum1984]

I have been seeing a guy for four months and we are both single parents (me 60:40 him 40:60). I think it's far too early to meet each others kids etc.

When we are together he is very emotionally available, kind etc and tbh not the normal type guy I go for (I've traditionally gone for the toxic, emotionally unavailable ones sadly.. but I am trying to do better now I am 43!).

The thing is.... when we are apart, I find he barely ever messages... maybe once a day or not at all.

So we are going to be apart for a week due to each having our kids and have a nice plan for next week for a couple of days.

But I will just send a wee check in message at night - hope you had a lovely day or whatever - and it's like he has died for two days.

I don't know, maybe I am too needy ha, but it makes me feel a bit insecure...

If he wanted to, he would. I think you’re far more invested here than he is. I’d take things slowly, you still don’t know him very well yet.
Perhaps speak to him about your expectations of contact when you’re not together and see how that goes.

In the olden days, we didn’t have messaging and I think we were a lot happier. The fact that you CAN message all the time now means that you SHOULD message all the time. The expectation is high. Not everyone wants to be tethered to a phone, and typically men can compartmentalise better than women. I don’t think constant messaging and the expectation of it is healthy.

Having said that, if you want a message every day, communicate that as a need if it is one. Tell him it’s important. He either will or won't. If he won’t, and it’s important, get rid. He’s not your one.

This is part of the eternal piece of advice in relationships; always compromise, never compromise. At the same time.

Once a day would seem like the correct amount to me, I'd much rather a proper chat when he has time than a back and forth leaving you slightly anxious about how long it's taking to reply.

@MrsTerryPratchett "This is part of the eternal piece of advice in relationships; always compromise, never compromise. At the same time." So true.

Some of us just aren't messagy people. It wouldn't bother me not to receive messages and me not sending them wouldn't 'mean' anything was wrong.

Every day is a lot. Every 2-3 days is more reasonable. Which shows you how variable this is, very personal preference.

I would say though that you need to take things at face value. If he doesn't message loads now, he won't do so in the future either. Your choice how much it bothers you, but this is who he is.

My DH never has his phone on and is terrible with replying. It will take him hours to reply to an urgent message. His relatives don't hear from him for months. He was like this when we were dating, he is like this now. It doesn't bother me hugely as I'm used to it but other people find him infuriating.

But I will just send a wee check in message at night - hope you had a lovely day or whatever - and it's like he has died for two days.

I'm not one for lots of texts, but anyone who sends a how are you type message gets a reply same day. I don't think that's an unreasonable expectations. It might be short and sweet and not opening up a chat though.

If he wanted too hie would. Now whether he doesnt because hes not a text person, or because hes not as invested... thats the question.

Daily messaging would annoy me. But I like space.

I think it's way too soon to try to live in each others' pockets when you're not together.

If he's only emotionally available when you're with him in person, then he's not emotionally available. In a close relationship I would expect more messaging than that when apart, too. I've had relationships where we didn't see each other that much because it was casual, but where we remained connected through a lot of messaging.

I don't think you've found the person who's as emotionally available as you want yet.

There are definitely men who are more emotionally available than this! Go find them!

How often do you see each other usually?

Bit needy op, when me and dh were dating we could go up to a week without talking. Didn’t mean we didn’t love each other just had busy lifes!

For a new relationship? It definitely is not a lot!

as others have said, if he wanted to, he would…..

I think it's perfectly reasonable to hear from your boyfriend of 4 months every day. I assume you're official and/or exclusive? Not much to ask that he texts once a day ffs

I think messaging once a day is plenty, you aren't teenagers etc.

Tell him it's important to you he replies to you within a few hours, and see how that goes.

You're not wrong.... he's not wrong, it's just what different people need,

That wouldn't work for me - I like to keep in touch (not excessively I don't think, but definitely daily unless someone is away/working all day etc). For me it's part of building emotional intimacy.

So if it were me I'd be clear about what I need and like, and if that doesn't work for him then I'd move on.

Isn’t this the point though?

For some people it’s too much, for some not enough.

There are no hard and fast rules. What works for one person, doesn’t for another. Dating is about trying someone out to see if they fit you, not whether they do things according to an algorithm of ‘right’ ways.

I see it like this. There are things you need (non-negotiable), things you want (more so), nice to have (negotiable) and red lines you don’t want (back to non-negotiable. There are things everyone should know (consent etc.) but so much is personal taste and comfort levels.

OP doesn’t like what she’s getting. She can communicate and see if he does more happily. Or not.

But that doesn’t mean anyone is wrong.

For example my friend who is dating currently loves sexual content in messages from the start. I think she’s utterly insane and attracting terrible dickheads. But it works for her. She gets what she needs. There’s someone for everyone.

If a man I was dating expected daily texts, I'd run a mile. And I absolutely hate the "how's your day" updates. Nonsensical waste of time BS.

I ended up with a man who barely texts and I'm ok with that part of his personality in particular.

And that's my point. It's very personal.

He probably just doesn't like messaging that much, which would be fine for me. I hate the good morning, goodnight and check in type messages. Today for example I've done nothing worthy of broadcast. Supermarket, pub, sofa. Nobody needs to be informed of that.

@MrsTerryPratchett I agree. Its so individual.

How did we manage before mobile phones! Seriously though a quick check in is reasonable if that’s what you want but anything more is excessive. Having said that some people like regular communication and others don’t. Only you know if regular messaging is important to you.

I would feel like a daily text felt like an obligation, especially if it was every night at the same time or something. Nothing wrong with you wanting that but nor is there with him not wanting it. I'd just message as and when you want to at this stage, four months is nothing.

I don’t think text messages between meeting is necessarily indicative of much really, so long as the other relationship needs are being met. It’s just attitude to text contact, which many people get nothing from. If you need it (and that’s ok), then speak to him. If he’s a decent guy he will make the effort to text a bit more.

He’s having time with his DC, I’d accept that and not expect a message but I would on Christmas Day. I don’t think it matters who messages who first.

I would want daily contact with someone I consider my boyfriend, don’t take much time to send just one message.
Everyone does have different communication styles, but it would drive me mad not to have someone on the same wavelength but if everything else is perfect, maybe it’s worth just seeing how it goes.

It wouldn't be good enough for me because communication is my love language.