Am I asking too much do you think four months into dating?

[Scottishmum1984]

I have been seeing a guy for four months and we are both single parents (me 60:40 him 40:60). I think it's far too early to meet each others kids etc.

When we are together he is very emotionally available, kind etc and tbh not the normal type guy I go for (I've traditionally gone for the toxic, emotionally unavailable ones sadly.. but I am trying to do better now I am 43!).

The thing is.... when we are apart, I find he barely ever messages... maybe once a day or not at all.

So we are going to be apart for a week due to each having our kids and have a nice plan for next week for a couple of days.

But I will just send a wee check in message at night - hope you had a lovely day or whatever - and it's like he has died for two days.

I don't know, maybe I am too needy ha, but it makes me feel a bit insecure...

Sterling advice.

People have different levels of communication they’re happy with, it just sounds as though you’re a little mismatched with this which happens. It happens with colleagues even, some are keen to respond to emails as quickly as possible whereas others leave you hanging unless you send a prompt.

It’s one of those things you learn to live with. He obviously isn’t much of a texter which is fine. It doesn’t mean he isn’t into you, just that he isn’t glued to his phone and doesn’t want daily text updates.

I couldn't agree more @Friendlygingercat

Sounds like you have an anxious attachment style

Personally, I think messaging each other every day is normal. We always sent each other a minimum of 'night night'.

I don't really like texting unless it is for a specific reason. I sometimes don't check my phone and often read a message but think I will reply later.
DH and I only text if we have something we need to ask each other....no checking in...no need to.
Perhaps he feels the same way. Not everyone needs constant reassurance or to touch base all the time.
Ask him how he feels about it.

Seems to me he likes the relationship, but it’s not central. Four months in, if someone wants to check in, they usually do.
Not constantly, but consistently.
Once a day or less replies, especially after you initiate, to me signals:
“I enjoy this, but I’m not orienting my daily emotional life around it.”
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.
It means you are not his primary emotional focus — and may never be. His kids are going to, quite rightly, come first.

You also might be mismatched in terms of expectation and communication styles.

I really think I do

You do know that if you need one or two texts a day it is okay to ask for that. If you’ve had a tough time if other relationships and do have attachment issues it’s not unreasonable to seek that sort of reassurance.

However be careful what you wish for. If his messages are brief and there is no ongoing interest in a text conversation other than saying good night, this could end up with you feeling worse. Talk to him about what you need and listen to what he can realistically manage.

I’m going to stick my neck out here and say that he doesn’t sound promising. He’s overly keen to blend your respective families yet he is living like a single bloke, not giving you a second thought when you are not around? That pull-push could be because of his own issues or it could be a deliberate manipulation. Everyone looks at their phone nowadays, unless he is undercover police, working for security services on assignment or has a job that lends itself to being off radar for long periods, it’s not hard to say ‘hi, how’s you?’ Neither of you are talking about way you communicate and that really needs to happen. You do have to be careful to stay with the realms of reasonable. If there’s an expectation that every message turns into a two hour back and forth, then perhaps that would be too much for most. But this is something you agree within your relationship - don’t be too swayed by what friends or family do.

Insecurity (sometimes disguised as pick-me-Im-a-cool-wife/girlfriend vibes) can lead women into accepting everything on the man’s terms and then ending up being stuck with it. If you don’t make your expectations clear now, he’ll act like you’re the unreasonable one when you expect differently in the future - say in 2 years when you’re pregnant and experiencing a medical emergency and he is unreachable for two days which he thinks is completely okay because he told you he’s with his family.

As Lilly Allan has salaciously shared with us, being cool and chilled-out with minimal expectations on your partner, very rarely benefits the female in a hetro relationship.

Thank you this is resonating with me too much. I have had a rough time in relationships and also my marriage (but that ended seven years ago). I know some people on the thread think I sound a lot and the views are mixed four months in what to expect, but I do find it weird that a week ago we spend the day / night together and he was totally loving etc and this evening I sent him a quick ‘hope you had a nice day? Happy I’m seeing you on Tuesday’ message and he read it at 7pm and just ignored it despite being on his phone all evening.

I do have quite an anxious attachment style and I feel rejected quite easily. I come across to him as very laid back I know as he’s mentioned it and the thought of saying to him that I feel quite ignored in these situations makes me feel vulnerable. I don’t expect him to message me all day when he has his kids, not at all. But is a wee quick reply too much to ask? I could of course just accept it and stop messaging him, but it all feels a bit of a gameplay and he’s the complete opposite in person, couldn’t be nicer, more caring, makes plans, says very reassuring things… so I feel very confused if I’m honest

I guess what this thread proves is that everyone is different on this issue. And OP you probably know this from your friends too. Some people think a daily message is more than enough. Others think his lack of messaging means he isn't in to you.

I think you should disregard what others think. Your preferences are your preferences - they will always by definition be valid. So please don't apologise for them or mute them or define them as "needy" because others want or need something different.

I would not be interested in a relationship of any sort with a guy who only text me once a day, if that. I require more interaction, more joking around, sharing experiences and observations, more flirting, more affection, more day to day support.

Currently I am non-exclusively and casually dating two guys - FWBs I guess you would say.. Both text me several times a day. A lot of that is sex chat (which I know isn't to everyone's tastes but I love it). But we also moan about work; chat about books we have read; support each other with family issues.l, etc etc

Because primarily the are my friends. To me, any sex, relationship, anything else, has to come second to that. And how can there be friendship without the back and forth of regular communication?

Tell him the minimum amount of interaction you can be happy with. Be assertive. State your needs clearly and with confidence. If he can't and won't meet that, and so ends the relationship, then you have done yourself a massive favour - because how could a man unwilling to send a few texts to keep the woman he is seeing happy and comfortable, ever be long term partner material for her?

Thank you, that actually made me cry a bit. I’m starting to think maybe I do accept things on his terms too much. Not him.. so much as everyone I’ve been out with and I so always end up getting hurt. But also.. he is genuinely so nice and caring in person and sometimes texts such lovely things, it’s just very inconsistent and I’m struggling with us not talking for a day and him not finding 30 seconds to reply to me, knowing tomorrow he might at some point and I’ll just reply like normal.

There is a difficult thinking a daily message is nice and needing it, you need it and that ro me in not healthy and yes is needy

So I would either accept him as he is as he should do to you, i could never be with a needy man and would never do this to a man, it is controlling

I completely understand that some people aren’t into messaging all the time, but if you’re genuinely only messaging at night saying ‘hope you had a good day’, then it seems really weird to completely ignore you for two days as if you hadn’t sent anything. He’s obviously on his phone at some points the day after you sent it so it’s not as if he can claim not to have seen the message, even if he was asleep at the time that it was sent!

Perhaps he does see your message but doesn’t want to reply and run the risk of getting into a long back and forth with you if he is tired after a long day? But in which case, he could choose to politely convey that to you and still acknowledge your message.

The other option is that he is living with a partner and doesn’t want to acknowledge your messages when he is at home with her? I mean, that’s cynical and I’m not saying it’s this, just trying to think of all possibilities! You will never know what he’s got to say if you don’t open your mouth when you’re together and ask him.

I would hate texting messages to and fro.
Texting is cold. It's a useful tool to remind about picking up milk, addresses etc etc.

Talk about this when next you have some alone time together.
He possibly is focussing on his children - phone put right away.

Ask how he would feel if you phoned him sometimes.
I wouldn't mind phone calls every couple of days.

Phone once. See how long it takes for him to phone you.

I stay at his often enough to think he doesn’t have a partner he loves with - I also don’t find him shifty in that way

He is giving you intermittent reward and that is the worst thing for anxious attachers.

As to what is ‘normal’ I’ve noticed a lot of people on here are replying with regards to their own communication with their DP/DH presumably that they are living with.

That is a completely different situation to when you are trying to forge a new relationship post breakup and with kids in tow. You HAVE to find time to carve out communication when you are away from one another with the kids, because that is a lot of the time.

If he’s not doing that then it’s giving the impression he picks you up fill the time when he doesn’t have his kids. Couple that with his behaviour of sometimes he can be arsed to send a lovely text and other times he won’t even do you the decency of replying says to me that he takes your for granted and does not value you.

Definitely just speak to him about it. I think 4 months in is a good time to start sounding out about stuff like this. I feel claustrophobic by messaging, or rather the expectation to message, so I wouldn't like it but I would definitely hear someone out if they preferred to be more 'in contact'. I also have a friend who was OLD and met someone and he was messaging her a lot and it was just too much for her - ultimately they just weren't compatible in that sense. You probably need to hear each other out, it's totally valid to want to be in contact and totally valid to not want to be.

You're not being unreasonable to want that but nor is he being unreasonable if he doesn't. My husband hates texting and is rubbish with his phone. His family often text or call me because he doesn't answer so I know it's not just me but it is frustrating at times. I think if find a "how was your day?" every night annoying to be honest though if you didn't actually have anything to say!

I agree with your disagreeing… If I want a to and fro I either arrange a call or wait till the next in person meeting.

I remember dating in my 20s and would maybe be seeing someone and I hated the 'what you up to' messages. It was so tedious to answer. It was like contact for it's own sake. I feel like it takes the kind of magic and mystery away from waiting to see someone.

honestly Op I think you need better communication with him about how you are feeling. It's not really about the texts - it's that you don't feel certain about how he feels and he is choosing not to answer at some poitns - which you are not happy with.

Take the time for a real open chat - don't be too scared to ask honest questions and see how you feel about his answers.

It won't work long term if you can't speak openly with him anyway

Thank you

I posted that once a day (or twice) definitely isn’t a lot IMO. I’ve had replies from others that disagree with me. I’m not saying they’re wrong, but ai just don’t understand it…… surely in the honeymoon period your heart is supposed to be singing and you would want to hear from and reply to the other person?