Am I asking too much do you think four months into dating?

[Scottishmum1984]

I have been seeing a guy for four months and we are both single parents (me 60:40 him 40:60). I think it's far too early to meet each others kids etc.

When we are together he is very emotionally available, kind etc and tbh not the normal type guy I go for (I've traditionally gone for the toxic, emotionally unavailable ones sadly.. but I am trying to do better now I am 43!).

The thing is.... when we are apart, I find he barely ever messages... maybe once a day or not at all.

So we are going to be apart for a week due to each having our kids and have a nice plan for next week for a couple of days.

But I will just send a wee check in message at night - hope you had a lovely day or whatever - and it's like he has died for two days.

I don't know, maybe I am too needy ha, but it makes me feel a bit insecure...

After 3rd date he called me on the way back from work. Then suddenly said "hey, look out of your window." He was there waving at me from the car. Wanted a quick kiss but I invited him in that day. He met my son.

Date 7 I got super ill with flu, he looked after me and even my son, when I had fever.

If he wanted he would.

Sorry but that all sounds way too fast and bordering on creepy.

Agree. I would be really creeped out by a man behaving like that. And absolutely no way would anyone meet my DC after 7 dates let alone look after them

If tell him you really appreciate a text before bed to feel connected. Then I'd leave the ball in his court. If he's interested in you he'll remember to text before bed. If he doesn't text that tells you he isn't too bothered about pleasing you and attending to your needs.

if you’re not getting what you want from someone, you need to communicate that clearly and directly.

Women need to stop pushing their needs aside and tip toeing around men and accepting less than they want and need because they’re scared to lose a man.

Tell him you’d like to have more communication from him when you’re apart and if he hears you and takes action he’s with continuing to see. If he doesn’t you know where you stand.

I get where you’re coming from OP. Relationships when you’re balancing parenting on both sides are tricky as you get periods where you can’t see each other, so texting, phone calls, FaceTime etc are important in bridging those gaps. I don’t think it’s overly helpful when people pop up to say how crap their DH is at texting, as that’s a completely different situation!

Of course people have different standards for how much communication they need. I’m not someone who’s on their phone constantly at all, but I would find radio silence during the periods apart disconcerting. That he can be loving when you’re together, but then read and ignore a text you send when you’re apart (despite being on his phone all evening) is very off. To me it suggests compartmentalising and an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ attitude, or maybe a power play of keeping you slightly on edge. You may have an anxious attachment style, but it’s definitely being exacerbated by this inconsistency, so don’t feel you’re at fault or being needy.

It's extremely common, so not something to be ashamed of. After all it's not you who decides your attachment style! But recognising it, and trying to look at situations differently will help.

The worry is that you'll end up ignoring actual red flags and put it down to your attachment style and assume you're the problem. It's a tough one!

Do your best to avoid a relationship with an avoidant because that'll cause you hell.