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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I asking too much do you think four months into dating?

82 replies

Scottishmum1984 · 24/12/2025 14:56

I have been seeing a guy for four months and we are both single parents (me 60:40 him 40:60). I think it's far too early to meet each others kids etc.

When we are together he is very emotionally available, kind etc and tbh not the normal type guy I go for (I've traditionally gone for the toxic, emotionally unavailable ones sadly.. but I am trying to do better now I am 43!).

The thing is.... when we are apart, I find he barely ever messages... maybe once a day or not at all.

So we are going to be apart for a week due to each having our kids and have a nice plan for next week for a couple of days.

But I will just send a wee check in message at night - hope you had a lovely day or whatever - and it's like he has died for two days.

I don't know, maybe I am too needy ha, but it makes me feel a bit insecure...

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2025 18:30

UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 24/12/2025 17:41

It wouldn't be good enough for me because communication is my love language.

LOL communication is everyone’s love language! It’s how and when you communicate that differs. Text messages can’t be a love language, surely.

Original poster
Scottishmum1984 · 24/12/2025 21:31

Thanks all, this is so helpful and it’s really good to read a mix of responses. I think it’s more down to me being a wee bit anxious and him being quite an off and on again texter.

OP posts:
Dottyie · 24/12/2025 21:37

He’s not that into you. Sorry. And you know this as you’re asking others.

BoxOfCats · 24/12/2025 22:50

I’ve been seeing someone for four months. It’s more of a situationship and we don’t live in the same city. But we always message multiple times a day, and FaceTime pretty much every day as well.

I think I would feel the same as you, that he either isn’t that invested, or his communication preferences just aren’t a fit for what I want from someone I’m dating.

mondaytosunday · 24/12/2025 23:28

Goodness this is too much! Once a day is more than enough - I wouldn’t expect that myself. But if your needs to communicate don’t align, maybe he’s not for you.

RampantIvy · 24/12/2025 23:39

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 24/12/2025 15:33

If he's only emotionally available when you're with him in person, then he's not emotionally available. In a close relationship I would expect more messaging than that when apart, too. I've had relationships where we didn't see each other that much because it was casual, but where we remained connected through a lot of messaging.

I don't think you've found the person who's as emotionally available as you want yet.

There are definitely men who are more emotionally available than this! Go find them!

I disagree. I don't like playing message hockey.
I talk to people when I'm with them and only message friends when arranging something. I hate having message conversations. They just interrupt my day.

Original poster
Scottishmum1984 · 24/12/2025 23:43

I know a lot of people are saying he’s not into you… that’s totally fine if it’s true and im not being defensive but in real life (outside of texts) he’s the one pushing for me to meet his kids, take trips together etc and I’m actually keeping things as a slower pace… so not sure that’s the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scottishmum1984 · 24/12/2025 23:43

I could be deluded of course haha

OP posts:
shivermetimbers77 · 24/12/2025 23:44

You’re going to need to talk to him about it. It’s very likely that he’s just not a big texter.

upperlowerallover · 24/12/2025 23:50

I am going to go against the grain here, as someone in a relationship with someone who has his kids 50/50 (and I have mine all the time) you do need the communication in between to carry things along.

Because life/work/kids take up so much of your time you cannot be spontaneous and ‘datey’ so you do need to carve out a relationship that is meaningful and not just based on snatched moments of being actually together.

My DP and I have always messaged, not to the detriment of the kids. But snatched moment of connection before or after work etc are what keeps the relationship going when we can’t be together physically.

upperlowerallover · 24/12/2025 23:53

Like, from your OP it seems like you won’t see him for a week and you expect him to ‘disappear into a void’ like he does when you don’t see him for two days.

That isn’t a relationship, it’s a situationship. Because he’s not someone you can check in with and build emotional intimacy with as he’s just not there in any significant way

meganorks · 27/12/2025 11:24

I'm not sure I'd message every day, probably every few days. And if there was something specific to talk about. I've also found some people only really respond if there is a question. Like they don't really see the point of responding otherwise. So, for example, if you write 'Hope you had a good day. Xx'. He might read that and just not think it requires a response. Plus I always feel a bit like kisses are the end of conversation (that might just be me though!)

Anyway, I guess, if its important to you, you need to speak to him about it and see if it improves/changes. And if not, how important is that to you? If your actual relationship is all good, then seems like madness to throw it away over a few texts. But maybe that's just me.

Original poster
Scottishmum1984 · 27/12/2025 11:43

I’m interested in people who are saying it’s a situationship… it doesn’t feel that way but how would I know?

OP posts:
Original poster
Scottishmum1984 · 27/12/2025 11:46

Nightlight8 · 24/12/2025 15:35

How often do you see each other usually?

Depends, once a week some weeks or two / three times others, depending on our kids / jobs / plans with friends etc

OP posts:
waterrat · 27/12/2025 11:49

I would think carefully OP before judging him for this.

If he is good, open, caring in person - and the absence is felt when he is with his children - isn't that him. being more present and focused with them?

I think after four months - you need to talk about this. Would a daily check in if he agreed and understood improve things?

RampantIvy · 27/12/2025 11:50

Scottishmum1984 · 27/12/2025 11:43

I’m interested in people who are saying it’s a situationship… it doesn’t feel that way but how would I know?

I think there are two points of view. Older people like myself don't see the point of message hockey and would feel it interrupts their day.

When I was dating mobile phones hadn't been invented so I was used to talking on the telephone between once a week to a few times a week to the current squeeze or actually seeing them in person. I would hate to feel obliged to constantly message someone. DH and I only message when we have something important to say - reminders to pick something up from the supermarket, for example.

People used to constant messaging would feel that something was wrong if they were with someone who would prefer to talk in person than play message hockey.

waterrat · 27/12/2025 11:51

Tbh I think in this situation - you are at risk of getting wound up by advice from people who don't know him - sometimes I think the hive mind can be helpful - but this man is generally a good partner so I think you need to just be really open with him. Rather than be acusatory just say - look ,when you dono't reply for two days I feel hurt and ignored and it makes me think you are choosing not to respond despite knowing it matters to me.

Then see how he responds. Is he someone who also doesn't message mates/ family much? some people aren't into it. He might be getting distracted by kids.

Brightbluesomething · 27/12/2025 11:52

It does sounds more like a situationship. But so early on it can be difficult to tell the difference. You’d usually expect a level of commitment, exclusivity, future planning and consistent communication. As well as being able to talk about feelings, a decent amount of effort and openness about their life. You’d have expected him to tell at least someone in his life about you and to have maybe met a friend or family member?
I realised that what I thought was a longer term relationship was actually more like a situationship where he just kept me at arms length and refused to blend lives. Unless you’re a priority in some way, it’ll never be a relationship. I stayed for far too long with someone who’d not make any effort as he wasn’t that interested.

Friendlygingercat · 27/12/2025 12:26

Jeeze if I had someone messaging me twice a day I would dump them as being very needy! I read all these threads on MN about people who have a date and then get upset if the bf does not reply to their texts within hours. All these self centered and entitled people who have no conception of the fact that the people they know have other lives and priorities.

andfinallyhereweare · 27/12/2025 12:28

The if he wanted to he would is nonsense the amount of times I’ve wanted to message someone and haven’t because of my own bullshit… just talk to him about your communication needs/expectations and take it from there. His response will tell you what you need to know.

Jok77 · 27/12/2025 12:34

If he's at work, bust with kids etc he might not have time to text every day.
When I met my husband, he had 2 kids and when we weren't at work, we both led busy lives- we couldn't be messaging constantly.
As for meeting kids, my husband took this point of view- he knew he liked me and needed to know his kids point of view before things got really serious. So we met up together to see how things went.
Maybe talk with him and see what he wants from the relationship.

Picklejuiceleak · 27/12/2025 12:44

Are you absolutely sure he’s not married?

Picklejuiceleak · 27/12/2025 12:45

Friendlygingercat · 27/12/2025 12:26

Jeeze if I had someone messaging me twice a day I would dump them as being very needy! I read all these threads on MN about people who have a date and then get upset if the bf does not reply to their texts within hours. All these self centered and entitled people who have no conception of the fact that the people they know have other lives and priorities.

Twice a day is hardly excessive 🤣

TwistedWonder · 27/12/2025 12:50

Think this thread shows that there’s no right or wrong answer, just different people with different communication styles and expectations

I’m not a big texter unless there’s something to actually say. I can’t bear the daily ‘hi how are you’ nothingness messages - it would go my head in.

You need to talk and understand each others communication and expectations. Then you can decide if it works for you or not.

Millytante · 27/12/2025 13:00

Picklejuiceleak · 27/12/2025 12:45

Twice a day is hardly excessive 🤣

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Christ that'd make me feel suffocated. (Even once daily, ditto.)
Oh for the days of an X-rated letter, when the beloved is not within lassoo distance!

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