Xmas Family kick off and we haven’t even met yet

[christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem]

Name changed as I’ve posted about most people involved before 😂. It’s Xmas eve and there’s been a royal kick off already.

we have a very turbulent family, lots of fall outs and stuff across the board but usually always centring around my grandmother (GM- whom I’ve posted about before and she was unanimously flamed)

My GM and her sister ( my great aunt - DGA) don’t speak, years and years of horrific fall outs, really evil nasty things, police involvement etc. to be honest 99% was my GMs doing for her own reasons whatever they may be.

my DM and I maintain a good relationship with DGA and are close, along with my siblings.

My GM is hosting dinner tomorrow (last minute as I was supposed to be hosting, I posted a thread about an incident and everyone told me to not host due to the way she’d behaved so I cancelled my hosting back in October). When I say hosting, it’s ended up we’re all cooking dinner and taking it round (I say all yet I’ve been left to do the turkey, potatoes, carrots, parsnips, Yorkshire puddings, stuffing!)

long story short, we (me, DC, siblings and DM) are meeting my DGA and her husband at 12pm at our local for a Xmas drink - I’ve spoken to my GM this afternoon to check quantities etc then got chatting about the day, I said my ex is picking DC up from the pub and then we’re heading to GMs. Well she’s absolutely hit the roof. Called us all two faced and snakes for seeing DGA. I told her I make no secret that I have a relationship with her so I’m certainly not two faced. She says well we can have dinner with DGA if we all love her so much. FWIW, my GM doesn’t drink and wouldn’t step foot in a pub.

following this my DM calls me shouting and ranting that I shouldn’t have told GM were seeing DGA. GM has called DM absolutely laying into her with “utter venom” in my DMs words. i said I refuse to tie myself in knots to conceal the fact I’ve had a drink with my aunt on Xmas day, I did NOT know it was a secret in the first place, and nor should I be expected to keep such when I’m an adult who can visit whomever I please. My other aunt then calls me (mums sibling who stands in solidarity with my GM) saying I was out of order for letting her know and it should’ve been kept a secret. Aunt is now trying to calm the situation so Xmas day isn’t cancelled.

It genuinely came up in normal conversation. I didn’t know it was a secret nor should I have to keep one!!! wtf? AIBU?

I agree with this 100% I think OP knew what would happen if she mentioned the drink with her great aunt, there was just no need.

She DID say that they were just going to the pub. The OP states that at no point did she mention her DGA, but that her GM worked out that they would be seeing her.

Was she asked what she was doing? I think if not, I'd just be saying "we're thinking of heading to yours at x time". There are many ways of evading the point.

I also just personally doubt the whole 'she guessed' story 😬

Just keep refusing to get involved in their drama. People only succeed because they guilt you into going along with what they want. If you refuse to feel guilty you rob them of all their manipulative power.

They bullied/manipulated you into coming for Christmas, then doing the cooking, now they’re trying to scapegoat you into appeasing your GM and shunning your GA. If you don’t feel guilty then you can just carry on doing what you want and what feels right. If they then cut you off I’d say that’s a win/win. That kind of drama is exhausting and kills any joy in life.

Once you see it for what it is then life becomes so much more peaceful and enjoyable. I haven’t seen my sister for years because of the constant drama. It’s bliss!

I guess if DGM already had her suspicions it doesn't make much difference in practice. But I still would avoid handing her ammunition!

I don’t think you get what people like the GM are like. They will find a way to cause drama whatever the OP does. That’s the exact point.

I did NOT know it was a secret in the first place, and nor should I be expected to keep such when I’m an adult who can visit whomever I please

Yes you can visit whomever please and her reaction is absolutely ridiculous. I wouldn't be going to Christmas at hers tomorrow. I'd stay at home with all the food and siblings can come to you if they want. Your mother is as bad as your grandmother.

However, you really could have avoided all of this by not mentioning the pub. There was no need for it and you knew she would kick of if she found out about it, so why give her ammunition?
It wasn't a secret as such but a bit of common sense based on experience would have told you that it would be better not to mention it to avoid all of this.

I wonder if you feed off the drama a bit.

My family is not like this but I was married into one once that was. Everything was a fucking drama.

And I learned early to do what the OP is doing which is to not buy into it. To refuse to appease the bully is the only way to handle it because there will always be a kick off, but at least if you throw the grenade you know a) when the kick off will happen and b) what it is about. Otherwise you are just waiting on tenterhooks which is far more stressful.

Abusers like this (and she is an abuser) hate it when you dont toe the family line. In my situation the bully went absolutely loopy (I didnt know what an extinction burst was back then, but now I see that that's what it was) and when it had absolutely no effect on me, pretended I no longer existed because you cant bully someone who refuses to be bullied.

So this is why I do not appease or tiptoe around them.

Also...." Other people can bring the drama. You are not obliged to stay for the performance "

@christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem

You sound like a bit of a doormat - doing things you don't want to do to appease your dramatic and overbearing relations.

Decide what will make you happy. If it's staying home, avoiding your GM and seeing other family members at a later stage then make that happen. Pull ups your big girl pants and text people with the new plan and then turn your phone off. Don't answer the door.

We teach people how to treat us. You've taught people that if they get at you long enough you will bow to their will. Stop it now. Grow a backbone and put your happiness first.

The whole thing is pathetic

Your family are all nuts. Why you put up with this I don't know. And why did you decide to not host due to some previous drama, but have ended up cooking the whole dinner to take to your GM's? You may as well just host in the first place.

Absolute batshit behaviour.

No way! Is this the same one? Tbh I thought it might have been but I wasn't too sure.

Absolute bunch of nutters.

If it is the same one I'm thinking off from a previous thread then she is absolutely batshit crazy. She regularly kills cats that come into her garden and all kinds of insane behaviour. Why OP puts up with this I don't know.

OP puts up with it because she has been conditioned to and, although she is recognising that it unacceptable behaviour, she still thinks that she can cope with it, maybe change it, and gets sucked back in.

I grew up in a family like this, and it took a lot for me to realise that I was allowed to step away from it and not be part of the play.

I've had two begging phone calls from my mum in the last two days, trying to drag me into a drama with a sibling who hates me. I have just said "no, we're not talking about this" and hung up.

OP, you have to learn to say no, and mean it, despite the abuse - which will include lying, gaslighting, victim mode, anger, guilt tripping, love bombing etc. It's all manipulation and not genuine.

Well, you have the dinner so 'dear' Grandma just fucked herself over royally.

Cook it at yours, invite those of your family who want to come to yours, fuck the rest of them off, they can go elsewhere and do as they please, presumably to enjoy some starters and pudding/trifle with sour old Grandma. Much joy may it bring them.

And, for next year, make it clear as soon as anything is mentioned that you are not doing a family Xmas. If possible book a short break straight away so you can't get dragged in (bullied) and the prices are lower.

It doesn't have to be luxury, I once had a fabulous Christmas day in a hostel.in Copenhagen! (Once I had changed dorm room to get away from the heavy snore of a fellow hosteller 😂) A bunch of complete strangers, all in a festive mood and enjoying the company of other strangers for the day.

Seems like it. And I don’t have much sympathy for someone who doesn’t report a person who they know is doing that.

Tell them -
Right I’m done with toddlers and temper tantrums. We will go where we want tomorrow and visit who we want without recriminations or retributions or divine thunderbolts. Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas and will see you if you can all be reasonable in 2026. Meet great aunt for a drink and cook your dinner at home! Job done

Are you taking it all to the pub???

This.

Hope you stayed home with your loved ones, food and labour today OP and left them to it.

Merry Christmas

Aye. Can only conclude that OP loves both the drama and the ego boost of being the only chef in the village.

It's a great addition to MN, and I can't fault the entertainment value but if OP doesn't mention the pub and DGA don't mention the pub then who inevitably mentions the pub?!

Providing Christmas Meals on Wheels to the local cat killer. Jesus wept, and all on his birfy too.

How was your Christmas OP?