Xmas Family kick off and we haven’t even met yet

[christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem]

Name changed as I’ve posted about most people involved before 😂. It’s Xmas eve and there’s been a royal kick off already.

we have a very turbulent family, lots of fall outs and stuff across the board but usually always centring around my grandmother (GM- whom I’ve posted about before and she was unanimously flamed)

My GM and her sister ( my great aunt - DGA) don’t speak, years and years of horrific fall outs, really evil nasty things, police involvement etc. to be honest 99% was my GMs doing for her own reasons whatever they may be.

my DM and I maintain a good relationship with DGA and are close, along with my siblings.

My GM is hosting dinner tomorrow (last minute as I was supposed to be hosting, I posted a thread about an incident and everyone told me to not host due to the way she’d behaved so I cancelled my hosting back in October). When I say hosting, it’s ended up we’re all cooking dinner and taking it round (I say all yet I’ve been left to do the turkey, potatoes, carrots, parsnips, Yorkshire puddings, stuffing!)

long story short, we (me, DC, siblings and DM) are meeting my DGA and her husband at 12pm at our local for a Xmas drink - I’ve spoken to my GM this afternoon to check quantities etc then got chatting about the day, I said my ex is picking DC up from the pub and then we’re heading to GMs. Well she’s absolutely hit the roof. Called us all two faced and snakes for seeing DGA. I told her I make no secret that I have a relationship with her so I’m certainly not two faced. She says well we can have dinner with DGA if we all love her so much. FWIW, my GM doesn’t drink and wouldn’t step foot in a pub.

following this my DM calls me shouting and ranting that I shouldn’t have told GM were seeing DGA. GM has called DM absolutely laying into her with “utter venom” in my DMs words. i said I refuse to tie myself in knots to conceal the fact I’ve had a drink with my aunt on Xmas day, I did NOT know it was a secret in the first place, and nor should I be expected to keep such when I’m an adult who can visit whomever I please. My other aunt then calls me (mums sibling who stands in solidarity with my GM) saying I was out of order for letting her know and it should’ve been kept a secret. Aunt is now trying to calm the situation so Xmas day isn’t cancelled.

It genuinely came up in normal conversation. I didn’t know it was a secret nor should I have to keep one!!! wtf? AIBU?

I think I've misunderstood.

You said back in October that you wouldn't host but it sounds as if you were going to -albeit not at yours!

I'd be doing what suits me-probably staying at home & inviting who I chose.

That certainly wouldn't be GM or mother!

So they begged and begged you to come and you finally agreed and you’re cooking all the food?

YANBU to be open about who you are seeing.

IMO, though, YABU for continuing to accept all this drama. However I appreciate it is easy for an outsider to say and not so easy for you as it is your family.

Personally I really, really couldn't be doing with all that drama and silliness and would just ignore the lot of them when they kick off. Could you cook at your house and send a family wide message that said that anyone who was prepared to act like a grown up and behave themselves was welcome to join you; but if they wanted to carry on fighting like silly children please stay well away.

Me too. We have no toxic people in the family because if we did they wouldn’t be a part of it, no matter who they are. I couldn’t live n a soap opera.

Girl you are so deep in the mud your toes are sticking out in China. Stop. Stop. Stop. Your family don’t pick quarrels because of reasons that you can argue with ir hold your head up iver. They just lije it like that. They are horrible people and you are craxy to continue the relationship. Go ir don’t go but the onlything to be said about any if the stuff they say is “I won’t discuss it.” None of it is wirth talking about.

You must have known she would react badly so YABU to some extent. However, she would probably have found out at some point, possibly during the day, so better for her to be raging now than on Christmas Day in front of everyone. Have a quiet meal with people you actually want to see tomorrow and go NC from now on.

If you knew she’d fallen out with her, sometimes in the interest of not winding people up it is better to keep some things to yourself and I think this is one of those times but you made your choice

Agree 100%. You have the food so fuck them.

@christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem

For your own sake you need to get yourself OUT of this insanity and today is as good a day as any.

I'd send this message to those who are giving you grief "I can see that I have caused offense and upset to you. I think it's best that I just stay home and spare all of you my upsetting presence".

Well you have already been uninvited. You have the food. Have a quiet Christmas with your kids. To ell your DM she can pop in if there's no talk of DGM and next year remember this and make other arrangements!

Oh, hell no. Just fuck all the way off with that. Stay at home, enjoy your Christmas.

You cancelled hosting in October as it was too much drama: sensible decision, well done.

But then for some bizarre reason you have just agreed to see them all again, and do virtually all the cooking anyway, but now getting it to/cooing it in someone else's house which is 100 times more difficult: stupid decision, why?!!

I don’t really understand why you are allowing other family members to bully you into a relationship with this dreadful toxic woman.

I would be calling GM back and telling her she apologies to you and your mum or you and your food wont be going

Then if she won’t apologise I would either stay at home and tell your mum and siblings they can come, GM can’t or visit your DGA

I would then not have anything to do with your GM

The fact they won't leave your GM alone doesn't mean you have to comply.

They know what she's like, they can make their own choices.

You know what she's like, you can make your own choices.

In future make your plans, invite who you want (not who you are obliged) and stick to it. People who are getting on your case about your GM are part of the problem.

Great. You just said the others aren't going to see your GM be alone at Christmas. Go meet them all in the pub with DGA then go home and have Christmas how you envisaged it back in October. They can all go to GM after the pub and enjoy their Christmas...or not. You have just been handed the golden ticket. What's the alternative? Go, cook for everyone and be the baddie still? treading on eggshells all day? You would just feel pissed off and taken advantage of and probably have a crap Christmas now. Sod that. Go, crack open the champagne, Your Christmas is saved.

You don’t need to do anything! You certainly didn’t need to agree to do any cooking.

My SILs family are just the same. Every year they gather at her mums house for the annual Christmas fall out.This year she and her sister ( bi polar , constantly threatens suicide, social services involved with her child) are not speaking even before Christmas day arrives ( fell out over father's day in June, haven't spoken since). They take it in turns to cook the meal. Always ends up with one sibling in the garden having an 'angry fag' and crying and another upstairs crying ( 3 of them, all in their 40s). Every year they do the same thing and every year it includes a MASSIVE row. They won't hear of having separate Christmases. Drama, drama, drama.

Exactly this. Fuck them

I think op there comes a point where you need to take accountability for how much drama you allow into your life. I understand you've said you'd be happy to cut them off but then others guilt trip you - that's still something you're allowing. I think you need to develop some strategies for how to manage THAT and all the flying monkeys so that you can set whatever boundaries you need to and then hold them.

I'd not have directly lied about meeting your ds but I'd probably have been more evasive. If she knew immediately you were meeting dga then I'd have shut her down as soon as she started "that was very two faced " "dgm I'm entertaining having any debate about my relationship with dga or anyone else for that matter. If you continue this line of conversation then I'll end the call." And I'd follow through. Keep it polite, breezey, but firm.

If someone else comes along acting the flying monkey "this isn't up for discussion, I was politely very clear on my boundaries with dgm and she's aware of what those are. I don't need to discuss this with anyone further, if you continue then I'll end the call. " if they continue "I've been really clear that I'm not willing to discuss this anyone and I've tried to move the conversation on a few times, since you don't seem willing to move on from this topic I'm going to end the call now. Hopefully we can talk soon about other things. All the best. " hang up.

Repeat to infinity if you need to and always, always follow through. Allowing yourself to get sucked into conversation about it is where the problem lies.

Your dgm and the rest of your family aren't going to change, they are who they are. And tbh your dgm has no reason to change as everyone is running around after her trying to placate her. This suits her very well. The rest of the hamsters just don't realise they're on her wheel or feel empowered or ready to get off.

So all you can actually do, is adjust your reactions and take back your power over the part you can control - yourself.

Quite a while ago this was me, always trying to keep the peace with various relatives.

In the end, for my own sanity, I had to go NC with them. There’s only one left alive now – my sister. Cut her in half and the word TOXIC would be revealed.

I visited individuals while they were alive, and never went to family funerals as that would be meeting all the alcohol imbibing fuckwits.

The path to happiness @christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem.

I am having my adult niece and her 6 year old over for Christmas. She is NC with her mother, my DSis. Their relationship is like your GM and her DSis, your DGA.

Never in a million years would I tell my DSis that her daughter and granddaughter are coming to my house for Christmas.

OMG, I perish the thought! If I did, I would expect a similar fall out to what you are going through.

I like peace!

My sister does exactly the same and it's infuriating. She also gets upset when it all kicks off and goes into victim mode. Don't be a shit stirrer, OP. There's a big difference between lying and just not telling the whole truth.

Yabu to yourself and your family for allowing yourself to be drawn back into this toxic mess.

Your family are flying monkeys who'd rather berate, bribe and guilt you then assert themselves. Question is, will you join them or will you assert yourself and refuse to be manipulated and shouted at? Personally, I'd do it at home and invite your aunt instead.

You hold the trump card, in that you’re doing the cooking. You are free to do whatever you like tomorrow. What do you WANT to do?