To think there is no escape from this financial abuse?

[BadgerBegoniaBauxite]

TL;DR? ex-spouse is taking and using money out of the joint account that they do not contribute to. I can’t afford this and am living in a freezing flat and can’t afford to eat properly, or pay for my train season ticket to work. The bank say they can’t close the joint account without ex-spouse’s agreement. And obviously some-one who gleefully posts pictures of all the nice things that have been bought with my money to upset me is not NEVER going to agree to that. I pay the amount of money that has been calculated by the .gov.uk Child maintenance web page thingy straight into our 17yo’s bank account otherwise ex would spend that too. I opened another current account with a different bank and am petrified of the consequences when my next month’s pay goes there instead of the joint account.

I escaped a financially and emotionally abusive (with a side order of sleep depravation) relationship at the beginning of summer this year. I was waiting for our child’s GCSEs to be over and for our house to be sold. (There was very little money left after the house sale, all the equity had been squandered and we could not afford to extend the lease-hold)

I work full time, I earn just about the national average which doesn’t go far in London if you need to live on your own.Ex hasn’t had a proper job in over a decade and is a fantasist (which is a very kind definition), but is also a highly qualified expert in digital identity and banking processes. but sells bits and bobs on ebay and claims that counts as being self-employed.

The only things that my spouse and I hold in common is a large-ish (but less than 20,000£ ) loan for the repairs to the roof of the house that we no longer own. which is like a huge anchor pulling me down. (And our 17yo child, of course).

I am so tired , how do I escape this mess without bombing my credit score?

If you have experienced this and know what worked please tell me what you did?

I don't understand why you wouldn't have moved your money to your own account so he can't reach it? You might not be able to close the joint account, but you don't have to use it.

Obviously he's being unreasonable to take your money.

Ex-spouse? You have the completion documents from your divorce? I would send copies to the bank as a complaint. (Complaints have to be dealt with in a certain time and if you dont get resolution you can escalate to the ombudsman who I think will find in your favour on this one regardless on the banks position)

Set out: You have tried repeatedly to close the account, your financially abusive ex-partner is refusing to close the account, you are divorced and have enclosed a copy of the documentation, the account is being used to abuse and control you.

Just take the money out!

I agree. I’d be putting everything into a sole account.

I don't understand why you kept putting money into the joint account after the split. Surely you just use your own bank account and let the joint account sit empty?

We are not divorced. We are very,very separated. Not enough time for the divorce proccess).

@BadgerBegoniaBauxite open another account do all of your financial activities from the new account and write to the bank explaining you are closing the account from your side due to abuse.

We don't know the sex of the partner, could be male or female. You need to open another current and have your salary and any other income paid into it. There are plenty of easy to open accounts.

Every bank will have slightly different policies but I know my bank with a joint account that only 1 party can close it as long as it isn't in its overdraft. If they can't do this they should have a domestic and financial abuse team who I'm sure have a lot more powers and can freeze/close accounts.

You need to open a new account and have all wages put in the new account so there is no money in the old account for ex to access

I think I need some clarity on what happens to the joint loan. AM I likely to become solely respnosible for it ? Can I move the direct debit to the new current account without that being a tacit agreement that it’s no longer a shared responsibility?

Tailor this as needed and send as soon as possible:

Dear Complaints Team,
I am writing to raise a formal complaint regarding your refusal to close my joint account and your handling of my repeated requests for support in circumstances involving financial abuse and coercive control.

Account details:
Account holder(s): [Your full name and joint account holder’s name]
Account number / sort code: [Details]

I have made multiple requests to close this joint account. Your staff have advised that closure requires the consent and signature of both account holders. My former partner, the joint account holder, is refusing to cooperate and is continuing to use the account as a means of financial abuse and control.

I have made it clear to your organisation that:

• I do not consent to the continued operation of this account
• The account is being actively used to exert control over me
• Requiring continued joint consent in these circumstances is enabling ongoing harm

Despite this, the bank has failed to take appropriate safeguarding action.

Why this is a complaint
Your response is unacceptable for the following reasons:

1. Failure to Safeguard a Vulnerable Customer: Financial abuse is a recognised form of domestic abuse. Banks are expected to have procedures to protect customers in these situations. By refusing to act, you are allowing continued harm.
2. Unreasonable Barrier to Account Closure: While joint consent may be standard in normal circumstances, it is not appropriate where abuse has been disclosed. Other UK banks routinely freeze or restrict joint accounts where financial abuse is reported.
3. Failure to Follow FCA Guidance. The FCA expects firms to treat vulnerable customers fairly and take account of individual circumstances. Your actions fall short of this expectation.

What I require
I am requesting the following actions without further delay:

1. Immediate restriction or freezing of the joint account to prevent further misuse
2. Written confirmation of the steps you will take to remove me from financial exposure
3. A clear explanation of your policy for handling joint accounts where financial abuse is disclosed
4. Confirmation that this complaint has been logged under your formal complaints procedure

Next steps
If this matter is not resolved within 8 weeks, or if I receive an unsatisfactory response, I will escalate the complaint to the Financial Ombudsman Service without further notice. I will also provide them with evidence that I disclosed financial abuse and that the bank failed to act appropriately.
Please confirm receipt of this complaint in writing.

Why are you putting your money in that account? The only reason I can think of is to pay a bill. If that’s the case, get your wages paid into a new account and just transfer over money for your share of any bills.

You are both currently responsible for the joint loan, so if he doesn't care about his credit score and the repayments then yes you need to pay the lot.

Keep up the repayments, and keep records of your contributions. This will then need to be sorted as part of the divorce.

Don’t put money into the account. A letter to the bank as above highlighting the issues.

It’s very hard to know what to do when you’ve been married to someone who slowly frog-boiled your senses and mental capacity for over 20 years. I am still pretty terrified to be honest, and only starting to de-compress.

I promise i’m usually above averagely intelligent and am great at solving other people’s problems, I just have a terrible blind-spot about this.

It is so useful to get practical advice and guidance from people who aren’t second-guessing what they assume I already know.

Thank you.

If child maintenance is due then you need to pay it to your ex, not your child. I'm not surprised they are using the joint account if you don't fulfil your legal obligations.

That’s a very good letter @greenwithglee. Thank you.

Get help from citizens advice. They will be able to advise on the debt situation. Mention the financial abuse. They will also be able to check you're getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

@Espressosummer
No official child maintenance is due. Our “child” is 17 and living with the paternal grandparents. As I’m not an arse I am paying it into the “child’s” account so it is actually spent on the child’s needs as agreed with said GPs . If I payed it into my ex’s account it would be used up on shiny, pointless things too.

You say you've opened a new account and your wages will go in there. That's a good start.
As someone said earlier, go to Citizen's Advice and get some help with untangling the rest of it.

If you have access to the account can you not just remove most of the money to an account in your name? You don’t have to close it?

It sounds like you’re solely paying it if he’s not putting money in but using the account. You could leave the joint account with just that direct debit and only pay in enough to cover your liability. Just close off any overdraft facility so he can’t run up debt.

Nothing to add to the brilliant letter but just a suggestion-I was helped by the financial abuse team at my bank-I think most banks will have a contact number if someone else is controlling you or your money.

I'm another one who is struggling to understand you havent opened a new account that your ex doesnt have access to.

don't use the joint account. Open one in your name only for your wages and send over to the joint account any shared bill money. This is a no brainer....