To think there is no escape from this financial abuse?

[BadgerBegoniaBauxite]

TL;DR? ex-spouse is taking and using money out of the joint account that they do not contribute to. I can’t afford this and am living in a freezing flat and can’t afford to eat properly, or pay for my train season ticket to work. The bank say they can’t close the joint account without ex-spouse’s agreement. And obviously some-one who gleefully posts pictures of all the nice things that have been bought with my money to upset me is not NEVER going to agree to that. I pay the amount of money that has been calculated by the .gov.uk Child maintenance web page thingy straight into our 17yo’s bank account otherwise ex would spend that too. I opened another current account with a different bank and am petrified of the consequences when my next month’s pay goes there instead of the joint account.

I escaped a financially and emotionally abusive (with a side order of sleep depravation) relationship at the beginning of summer this year. I was waiting for our child’s GCSEs to be over and for our house to be sold. (There was very little money left after the house sale, all the equity had been squandered and we could not afford to extend the lease-hold)

I work full time, I earn just about the national average which doesn’t go far in London if you need to live on your own.Ex hasn’t had a proper job in over a decade and is a fantasist (which is a very kind definition), but is also a highly qualified expert in digital identity and banking processes. but sells bits and bobs on ebay and claims that counts as being self-employed.

The only things that my spouse and I hold in common is a large-ish (but less than 20,000£ ) loan for the repairs to the roof of the house that we no longer own. which is like a huge anchor pulling me down. (And our 17yo child, of course).

I am so tired , how do I escape this mess without bombing my credit score?

If you have experienced this and know what worked please tell me what you did?

@Nevermind17

our 17 YO is living with Grandparents. Ex has absolutely no expenses to do with child. I pay the money straight into the child’s account, because this is what I have agreed with all parties. There is a post ^^ that explains this.

OP is obviously a man. The emphasis on his wife's frivolous spending is the tell.

@Gallivant I read the entire thread as if Op is a woman and it makes no difference. Why do you even care if the op is a woman? This is a human in a pickle, asking for some advice.

Block their number from your phone - all communications on writing.
Can you go down the abuse or irretrievable breakdown of marriage?
Abused, financial, emotional or psychological is Abuse. It is a crime. Do not be afraid to report it to the police.
If the loan is in joint names, then your soon to be ex is as liable as you are. If not secured on property (and I think you say the loan is for a former house) then the creditor will contact the ex as much as you got repayment. If you are male and ex is female they will not say "egad the man is the duty bound party to pay, dammit".
Expect your soon to be ex to be angry - tough on them. Abusers get like that. Keep a log of their abusive behaviour and don't be afraid to call the police. Abused is abuse and not acceptable whatever sex is the perpetrator.

Is your support dependent on their sex?

My mum had this issue when my unemployed father living in a different country started withdrawing from the joint account.

She opened a sole account and transferred her salary and bills payments to that one. All pretty painless.

@Gallivant: fascinating, but irrelevant. Do you think that I should continue to live in miserable conditions while my abuser continues to spend my money on “crap we don’t need” and post photos of it? just because it’s possible? Is that kind? Fair? Nice? Why does the sex of the abuser matter? Why do you think you can diagnose chromosomes over the internet? I think that’s a very dangerous assumption.

Does ex pay anything towards the loan if they’re hardly earning? If not then as unfair as it is then you’re probably going to have to treat it as a loan in your name only.

If your child does not live with either of you is there any reason for you to be in contact with your ex? Move your salary to be paid into your personal account, change the loan direct debit so it comes from your personal account account, and do not transfer to the joint account.

Set up an email address, send it to ex and say any communication must be about child only and sent to this email address. Block them on everything.

If they use the email address to harass you and not for legitimate contact about child reiterate again that you do not want to be contacted, and that if they continue to do so you will contact the police about harassment.

The good thing is that your joint child is 17 so no real need to competent (especially if they don’t live with either of you anyway), so even easier to get ex out of your life.

I would imagine you are both equally liable and the loan company will come after each of you to repay the loan, they won't care which one of you pays or if you both pay part each. If you divorce I would imagine the loan would be treated as 50:50.

So your house you shared has now been sold.

You both have a home of your own whether that's renting or not I'm assuming they're in your own names.

Divorce still not finalised.

Joint loan.

So is the loan in both of your names??

My advice would be to stop paying into the joint account, and to contact the loan company/bank and ask their advice on it. Eg who is liable if one doesn't pay their half.

Also if the bank won't close the joint account id ask can they freeze it.

It's not just that - men and women have different writing styles. Needless hyphens and speech marks, more full stops than commas. Edit - and the ranty rhetorical question barrage. We all recognise a grumpy man...!

It doesn't matter really, it's an irrelevant tangent. But I felt it was so immediately and instinctively obvious that I was surprised so many assumed the other way. He's all but confirmed it now

It matters because, if a man, he's come to a support forum filled mostly with women. There are men's forums. Why come and demand women to be "nice, kind, fair" - we owe him nothing at all.

The bank will freeze the account. Stop using it.
Pay half the loan payments but you can so 50/50 in the financial separation with the house etc

The "dangerous assumption" thing seems like a vague threat too. Very odd

Fear

Your ex can’t complain re you sending your salary elsewhere, when there is proof the only income to the joint account was from you and you are sending money to your dc separately. He/she can explode all they like, but there’s no denying it was YOUR money, not theirs, so sod all he/she can do. The bank won’t be able to close the account unless you are divorced (I believe) so just use the new one and ensure all direct debits are transferred, including any loan requirements.

Do you think that I should continue to live in miserable conditions while my abuser continues to spend my money on “crap we don’t need” and post photos of it? just because it’s possible? Is that kind?

There's another tell which is seemingly to blame us (general women) for the misdeeds of his ex, who we don't know and have nothing to do with.

One woman has treated him unfairly and that is all our faults.

The divorce will be arbitrated on what you agree with your partner if they were the stay at home parent they will I think be compensated for the damage to their their financial standing ..by access to any pensions or property remaining and given time to find work etc..

@Gallivant
I don't know whether you're male or female, but I sure as hell know you're a misogynist. You're telling us that no man would EVER spend money on shiny things and pointless crap just to be spiteful?

Yeah, right. Do you believe in Father Christmas too?

If they can spend it so can you. Open a new account go to bank, take everything out and move to new account. Then stop putting anything in the one they won't close and if the ex puts anything in technically you could remove that as well until you have been paid back.

Yabu to think there is no escape from the financial abuse when literally all you're doing is putting money into an account that someone else has access to and then complaining when they spend it.
When literally all you have to do is not do that. If they're spending your part of the money for the loan then just get the loan payments to come out of your account instead. Job done.

Move the money from the joint account to yours

That's not Gallivant's point. It's the tone.

Look at the way op calls himself intelligent, completely out of nowhere. I have never heard a woman write like that on mumsnet

I'll preface this by saying I don't know if this is possible, but if your loan is in both your names, would it be worth asking the loan provider if you can pay them directly for your share?

I realise that most joint agreements are written that both parties are "jointly and severably liable", but the lender may agree to accept this if you ask.