To think there is no escape from this financial abuse?

[BadgerBegoniaBauxite]

TL;DR? ex-spouse is taking and using money out of the joint account that they do not contribute to. I can’t afford this and am living in a freezing flat and can’t afford to eat properly, or pay for my train season ticket to work. The bank say they can’t close the joint account without ex-spouse’s agreement. And obviously some-one who gleefully posts pictures of all the nice things that have been bought with my money to upset me is not NEVER going to agree to that. I pay the amount of money that has been calculated by the .gov.uk Child maintenance web page thingy straight into our 17yo’s bank account otherwise ex would spend that too. I opened another current account with a different bank and am petrified of the consequences when my next month’s pay goes there instead of the joint account.

I escaped a financially and emotionally abusive (with a side order of sleep depravation) relationship at the beginning of summer this year. I was waiting for our child’s GCSEs to be over and for our house to be sold. (There was very little money left after the house sale, all the equity had been squandered and we could not afford to extend the lease-hold)

I work full time, I earn just about the national average which doesn’t go far in London if you need to live on your own.Ex hasn’t had a proper job in over a decade and is a fantasist (which is a very kind definition), but is also a highly qualified expert in digital identity and banking processes. but sells bits and bobs on ebay and claims that counts as being self-employed.

The only things that my spouse and I hold in common is a large-ish (but less than 20,000£ ) loan for the repairs to the roof of the house that we no longer own. which is like a huge anchor pulling me down. (And our 17yo child, of course).

I am so tired , how do I escape this mess without bombing my credit score?

If you have experienced this and know what worked please tell me what you did?

Op if you are a man and your ex wife was a sahm and you use the phrasings you do it does kind of matter because it could mean she was a sahm as opposed to not working. Also men assume women frivolously spend money because in some cases they don’t see what we see, they leave things that need to be fixed, or ignore necessary household purchases. Not saying this is the case here but there is three sides to every story

Just a word of warning. I had a basic bank account jointly with EXH . I was told I couldnt close it but I could empty it. There wasn’t much in there but I took out everything ( I was the main contributor anyway). Then, without my knowledge, he took it into overdraft. I didnt receive any notification of this until many months later when the bank started chasing me for unpaid fees.

This was many years ago before financial abuse was recognised and each bank will have different policies. But dont make the mistake of thinking your lack of activity on an open joint account means that you wont be liable if anything happens.

Start the divorce process get the account shut as part of the court order.

OP, I have been caught in the trap of money owed in joint names in the past.

The company owed the money do not care who pays the money back as long as they get it back.
They do not care if only one person is paying and the other is not.
They will chase the easiest/most likely to pay up person and if that person is paying it, they rarely even bother to chase the other person because they are getting what they want.

If you are the one paying and you try to stop, they'll come down hard on you because a payer they have hold of is cheaper than someone who they never got a penny out of.
If your ex doesn't pay up and hasn't if you stop paying, it's easier for them to get a CCJ.
The CCJ would be against both of you, but other than having an even higher bill because of the court costs, you'd still be stuck paying it back and they would still chase you harder as the one who has been paying.

You just have to keep paying it to save your own credit rating, knowing that you are saving your exes at the same time.

It sucks, but that is why people don't want to be a guarantor or take out joint loans.
That's why banks etc... love joint loans.
Two chances to get the money back means they are more likely to get it.
You are always at risk of being the one left paying it all.

As for the bank account.
Stop allowing yourself to have your money taken by putting it where that can happen.
Pay your income into a new account in your sole name.
Set your bills to come out of the new account.

Your ex cannot remove what is not there.

If there is an overdraft facility, they should remove it if you ask, or freeze the account.

This kind of aggression screams man.

On the surface, absolutely its as simple as no longer putting money into the joint account. But my spider senses are tingling. I notice that when women are escaping abusive relationships they are still questioning everything, not immediately jumping yo aggressive messages to any posters who question anything. So I do find myself wondering what else is going on.

Me too.

As someone who has worked with people who have experienced domestic abuse, the tone of this post is typical of a controlling and manipulative husband who is now determined to make himself look like the victim.

Get proper legal advice.

Do not pay your share of the loan money into the joint account as some PPs have suggested - if the ex then spends it you still will be liable for the loan payments. Either pay it directly to the loan company or keep it safe in a separate account until the finances are sorted out.

You should also be able to get support and advice from local and/or national domestic abuse organisations - they don’t just deal with physical abuse. Resources such as the Freedom Program can help you to unravel the abuse and make sense of things.

If you are feeling scared and unsafe please consider getting the police involved. You can request that your ex only contacts you via an agreed third party. Continued personal contact would then be grounds for a harassment complaint and then potentially a non-molestation order.

The hardest part is recognising the abuse and making the decision to leave. The part you are in now is scary but please stay strong, it will get easier over time. Take care of yourself xx

Joint loans you are usually both jointly liable for but as for bombing your credit file, it’s not as bad as it feels if you can avoid ccs and even then not the end of the world. Get advice from a debt charity like StepChange. One of their advisors will be able to advise on a way forward. I was over £17k in debt and did it.

What 'consequences' are you afraid of when you don't have your nexy pay cheque paid into the account?

If it's a joint account, what's stopping you from just spending all the money in it now on stuff that you'll know you'll need over the next few months? Or even buying stuff in the Christmas sales that you sell yourself on Ebay?

You arrange for your salary to go into a sole account and set up everything you need from there, cancelling it from the joint account

as to the loan do you both pay 50/50 for that payment? If so I would just put that amount into the joint account each month just about when the DD is due

why wasn’t the loan paid off when you sold the house?

As someone who has worked with people who have experienced domestic abuse, the tone of this post is typical of a controlling and manipulative husband who is now determined to make himself look like the victim.. But I’m glad you’ve met people like my ex, they’re very attractive, manipulative and scary

I am a woman. You know, one of those proper women with no y chromosomes that MN is so keen to help.

I write like this because I am also autistic and very easily taken advantage of, thanks to an abusive childhood where my mother was the abuser.

@DeathStare ,
I am a terrified woman who has spent nearly seven months
trying to shake off my manipulative ex of over 20 years. I am trying very hard to get my life back in order. I am living in a short contract let, I have no security and no money left.

Your hostility is amazing. I hope you are not one of the people I end up interacting with.

@Tryingatleast "Op if you are a man and your ex wife was a sahm and you use the phrasings you do it does kind of matter because it could mean she was a sahm as opposed to not working. Also men assume women frivolously spend money because in some cases they don’t see what we see, they leave things that need to be fixed, or ignore necessary household purchases. Not saying this is the case here but there is three sides to every story"

Yes, and you would swallow all the glibness and attractiveness of my plausible abusive ex. I took maternity leave when our child was born and then went straight back to work. Fortunately I worked in an environment with decent childcare attached. My ex who could be very highly paid has never managed to hold down a job for more than about 6 months at a time. If anyone was being taken advantage of it was me. I did all the diy until I was too ill to do any more, I did all the housework and all the gardening. My ex was an absolute wizard at pretending not to see or notice when things needed to be done.

@BadgerBegoniaBauxite Have you got any support IRL? My abusive marriage was also long (20± years). I went on a course run by my local Women's Aid and it really helped me make sense of what happened to me. It enabled to deal with it and move forward. It also made me realise that I put up with some really poor behaviours and had zero boundaries. I've fixed that now.

Op if you're a woman then I sincerely apologise. You've had some good advice on here. I hope you get a divorce sorted quickly and get everything official and sorted.

Our “child” is 17

This is still confusing to me though - is he not actually your child? Why the speech marks? Do you resent paying towards him because you think 17 should be old enough to stop paying for him?

I think the very opposite @MumoftwoNC. I hope to be able to pay until my support is longer needed. How many 17yos think of themselves as children though? Hence the quotation marks.

Just because the stereotype goes that mums often see their children as "my baby forever" whereas absentee dads are often like "why do I still have to pay maintenance for this person who's nearly fully grown"... stereotypes are just stereotypes though, I know.

None of this justifies you being financially abused, obviously. I'm just surprised I got it wrong.

I understand, sorry to question it.

We don't need to know either.

Open a separate bank and use that. Give them what you owe them, both the ex and the child. Take out the remainder of your money from the joint account.

Use your sole account for all banking unrelated to your ex. It will help you take back some more control of the situation.

You will never be free while you have joint finances.

Wow.
incredible to see how quickly your tone changes now you know it’s not a man you’re talking to.

@BadgerBegoniaBauxite

I'm sort of in the same boat. Currently undergoing a legal separation with a DH who is now a severe alcoholic and has no money management skills at this point. He was starting to drain our account on alcohol and other stupid purchases.

We have a joint checking and savings accounts. Early after we separated but before I filed legal papers I removed half the money in both those accounts and opened my own sole accounts and then directed my income into the sole checking account. This was agreed to by my attorney as long as I kept a record of the 'before and after' bank balances, which I did. At some point he opened a sole account and removed the other half. Well almost, the bank required a minimum balance so there is still money there.

You are correct in that both parties have to agree to close a joint account, so our joint account is still active but with a very low balance. It's only used to pay our joint mortgage to which we both contribute half. The joint account cannot be legally closed by us until the legal separation is finalized.

Open a new account in your name only, direct your income into that account.

As far as the money remaining in the joint account, have you spoken to a solicitor or have legal papers been filed? If yes, then you need to speak to your solicitor about moving money from the joint account. Where I live one is supposed to only remove half the money in any joint account. Where you live the laws may be different. If you haven't spoken to a solicitor and legal papers haven't been filed then move the money out of the joint account into one only in your name, but put half of that money into a savings account 'just in case' it's ruled as a joint asset.

So yes, there is escape from financial abuse, but you have to make the escape yourself.

We can only believe what we're told, otherwise why engage at all with a thread? Op has explained why she refers to her child as a "child".

Indeed we don't need to know. Abuse is abuse

Yes agree with this. Don’t let the loan payments lapse.

Sorry if ive missed this already (and its been a while since i worked in a bank), but certainly 15yrs ago, a bank used to be able to "freeze" accounts in the event of separation / divorce. It wasnt closed so direct debits can be paid out and you can pay money in, but nothing else can be withdrawn / no cards used etc. This could be done as soon as the bank was notified of the separation by one party. It might be worth exploring this option, if you want to service the roof loan from the joint account (so not assuming sole responsibility) and use a new personal account for everything else.