To think there is no escape from this financial abuse?

[BadgerBegoniaBauxite]

TL;DR? ex-spouse is taking and using money out of the joint account that they do not contribute to. I can’t afford this and am living in a freezing flat and can’t afford to eat properly, or pay for my train season ticket to work. The bank say they can’t close the joint account without ex-spouse’s agreement. And obviously some-one who gleefully posts pictures of all the nice things that have been bought with my money to upset me is not NEVER going to agree to that. I pay the amount of money that has been calculated by the .gov.uk Child maintenance web page thingy straight into our 17yo’s bank account otherwise ex would spend that too. I opened another current account with a different bank and am petrified of the consequences when my next month’s pay goes there instead of the joint account.

I escaped a financially and emotionally abusive (with a side order of sleep depravation) relationship at the beginning of summer this year. I was waiting for our child’s GCSEs to be over and for our house to be sold. (There was very little money left after the house sale, all the equity had been squandered and we could not afford to extend the lease-hold)

I work full time, I earn just about the national average which doesn’t go far in London if you need to live on your own.Ex hasn’t had a proper job in over a decade and is a fantasist (which is a very kind definition), but is also a highly qualified expert in digital identity and banking processes. but sells bits and bobs on ebay and claims that counts as being self-employed.

The only things that my spouse and I hold in common is a large-ish (but less than 20,000£ ) loan for the repairs to the roof of the house that we no longer own. which is like a huge anchor pulling me down. (And our 17yo child, of course).

I am so tired , how do I escape this mess without bombing my credit score?

If you have experienced this and know what worked please tell me what you did?

@Dollymylove.
I have opened another account for my wages to be paid into. I’m just terrified of the potential consequences. And I’m also worried about my credit score as I only have a six month lease on the “flat” i’m living in now. I won’t be able to buy ever again [because personal and identifying reasons]. I wondered if anyone had been on the receiving end of their ex’s wrath when this happened and what to expect.

It may be a 'no brainer' for you or for anyone not actually inside the situation, but as the OP says, she has had years of her ex's abuse and control, which can distort one's sense of reality. As usual, people on here are so blunt and lacking in finesse. OP, I have no advice other than seconding @greenwithglee's fantastic letter template, but I do wish you all the very best and applaud you for getting out of such a horrible situation.

Stop paying into it and open a sole account. Any payments that needed to be paid from there can just be set up to be paid from your account.

I did this with an ex. It now has 3p in it. Job done and all above board without any complications.

Do it now then your New Years resolution will be to stop funding the sponging git while taking control over your finances. Win win!!

I pay the amount of money that has been calculated by the .gov.uk Child maintenance web page thingy straight into our 17yo’s bank account otherwise ex would spend that too.

If your child isn’t even living with either of you, and they’re living with grandparents, why would it even be a consideration that your ex would receive/spend the money?

I don’t understand why you’ve continued to have your wages paid into a shared account knowing your ex is habitually dipping into it.

Hi @BadgerBegoniaBauxite I don’t have much practical advice — but you have had some good ideas already.

sounds like there’s a lot more to this, with all the years of control from your ex. AIBU is a bit… robust at Times, and probably not the best place to get the support you need.

might be worth posting on the relationships board— there are some very wise women on there who have been where you are and can talk you through the steps and support you while you do it. (Or you can have it moved, just click on the ‚report‘ button and ask MNHQ)

@Cherry8809

Because another poster seemed to need some clarification on the issue. That’s why I specifically tagged them.

Yes, my last mistake was continuing to pay into the joint account just to see if Ex really would “get a job” and start behaving like a decent human being. I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t imagined all the subtle abuse and control and now I feel that I can be absolutely sure that I am not mad, paranoid, over-medicated…. It was an expensive way to find out, but almost worth it.

Transfer the money to pay the loan in to the joint account just before midnight if the day the loan is due to be paid out. Keep the rest of your money in your personal account.

Contact the bank you hold the joint account with, the new bank and the loan company and ask to speak to their vulnerable customer team. Explain the situation, the financial abuse you're suffering and ask for their help as they should know what can be done better than mumsnet. You need to block his access to any more money - no overdraft on the joint account, no new direct debit/ standing orders without the consent of all parties, and don't fund it with any more money. Find out if you can remove your name from the account if they won't close it.
Make sure the joint loan cannot be increased.
Ask the loan company to switch the direct debit to your sole account (annoying but less expensive than funding your ex through the joint account). If they can't do that, set up a standing order for the loan repayment amount so when the direct debit bounces, the loan is still paid.
Make sure you've got paper statements from the joint account so you've got proof of the financial abuse.
Find out if any of your banks offer credit score monitoring so you can keep an eye on your information. Halifax online banking has free credit score reports.
If you're getting divorced, presumably you have / will be getting a solicitor, see if they have any advice on this too.
Good luck.

Why did you keep letting your money go into an account you knew s/he could and would take from?

Just leave it alone and don't deposit anything into it again. Tell the bank again you've split, s/he was financially abusing you and you want the account closed.

Hi op sorry this is happening but remember he is ex for a reason your money is not there’s to spend so don’t put anymore in. Op there should not be any backlash from him he is technically stealing from you as he doesn’t put anything in maybe tell your bank this but take every penny out now leave ex to it. Tell the bank his new address and you will pay your half of the loan through a new account as he is stealing all your money so it’s not safe to put the loan payment into the joint account. Good luck.

Hopefully this link will work as it might be helpful
https://www.experian.co.uk/consumer/guides/partners-debt.html

Am I missing something here ? Surely it’s obvious. Just don’t pay money into the joint account ?

Inform the loan company of the situation and ask them for advice on how to resolve the issue.

Pay your energy bill and your grocery bill and your season ticket bill out of the joint account, and move whatever is left in it to your personal account. If he makes a fuss, ignore him. If he makes threats, keep the evidence - keep emails, screenshot things etc. Maybe consider having a recording device to hand, and switch it on if he calls (if you answer - you don't have to). Then make a complaint to the police.

Then press on with the divorce proceedings, and communicate only through your solicitor.

You've recognised the problem - years of abuse have made you doubt yourself. He's made you feel that you're stupid or incapable or unreasonable to want to keep the money you earn or to expect him to work etc. You're not. Stop funding the freeloading prick and let him work it out for himself. He's not your problem any more - raise a Christmas toast to that. This is where life starts getting better.

Transfer all your own direct debits etc to the new account that your wages are going to. Ask the bank to remove you from the joint account but make sure you’ve ensured any payments that are meant for you have been transferred to the new one. Any money in the joint account that belongs to you transfer to the new account.

If you need to keep the joint account open with you both on it for any reason only transfer your share of any payment due to it. Contact any joint debts, tell them the situation and they may be able to split the debt into two. After I split with my ex we got a tax credit overpayment letter from when we were together. They split it so I could pay my half only and chased my ex for his half.

I assumed op is male and ex is female from the way he writes.

But anyway yes you can make sure your salary is paid to your account. Contact the utilities and council tax people of the old house and say you're no longer resident so to take you off the bills

You're a man and your ex is still expecting you to pay from the joint? I'm always hesitant when peopel do their best to hide that but if things are as you say, then really, you do just need to stop putting money in the joint. if there's a shared loan, how was it agreed you would pay that? Unfortuantely, yes, if she doesn't pay her share, I believe any issues on the credit score would be for both of you, not just one. So you need to decide if you want to just take on that loan and at least know it will be paid, or if you want to risk default by only paying your share of it.

You need a a divorce lawyer, surely? And a financial agreement (which will state who is responsible for the loan, and any other assets/debts)?

This is good advice. Lots of banks these days are signing up to the financial abuse code and are obliged to support you. They would also classify you as vulnerable and you need to be supported on that score. Obviously they don’t use that language with customers but if you tell them your situation they must help you. Good luck with this. Abuse of any kind is against the law - this is controlling behaviour

Op, my mum was in a domestically abusive relationship and had a joint account with her ex they had a loan paid to and where the direct debit came out of. She called the bank and they had a specific department who dealt with situations like this and they were brilliant. They actually ended up writing it off as he was using it to continue to financially abuse her and as soon as she was paying the money in for the direct debit he'd withdraw it so it went unpaid.

I'd recommend contacting your bank and being completely honest about the situation and asking how they can help.

@MumoftwoNC
I assumed op is male and ex is female from the way he writes.

I am writing in as dispassionate a manner as possible. otherwise there is the distinct possibility that the keyboard would go up in flames.

I also don’t think it should matter if we were a man and a woman, two women, or two men. Why should it?

The question and circumstances are the same.

Unfortunately it does matter to a lot of people on here.

youve had good advice. Abuse can come from either sex and you’ve done brilliantly so far. Keep standing up for yourself and getting your freedom

So you give your child a few hundred pounds a week pocket money while your ex has to pay to keep him fed and put a roof over his head? In her shoes I’d be dipping into the joint account myself!

Here we go

perhaps read the posts then come back when you realise your mistake…

My DP still has a joint account with his still-not-yet-ex-wife (a very slow divorce) and despite me saying several times to close it, he has also been petrified to for fear of backlash. He now realises he was subject to a controlling relationship so OP, regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, sending you strength to get through this.