Please help me figure out how exH is spying on me?

[TheGreatDownandOut]

Seperated for 4 years. We 50/50 parent our DS together. He lives close by.

My issue is that anytime another man enters my life in a romantic sense, exH seems to know about it somehow and starts acting strangely and tries to gain more control over me (he was controlling during the marriage and that’s why it ended)

I have never introduced DS to another man. We do have one mutual friend but I trust them implicitly and exH seems to know details that he would only know if he had either bugged my house or has access to my messages.
I have googled the hell out of it. I’m almost certain he can’t see my messages or WhatsApps - no other devices are signed in to my iCloud other than my own. I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking to see if my place is bugged but do people really do this?! Is it even possible? We do have a key to each other’s houses, makes it easier to drop DS’ stuff over to his and vice versa.

This is really freaking me out. He asked me outright the other day if I was seeing someone and I said no. (I’ve had one date with someone) he starts to become very controlling if he thinks someone new is in my life. Have any of you ever found out you’re being spied on and if so, how did you find out? I thought about getting a radio frequency detector from Amazon to check for cameras/microphones but it felt a bit tin foil hat!

He may have installed keystroke software on your devices. Then he can see anything you type.

Id take all your devices to a computer repair shop and involve the police if anything is found

Yes. My daughter was in a coercive relationship and so was a tech-savvy friend of mine. My daughter found a tracker attached to her car, and friend found cameras in his home (disguised as electrical plugs, I think). You also need to do a complete "digital detox", take all your devices to an IT expert (could be a local computer store, coukd be a tech-savvy friend) to check for any tracking or hacking programs. Make ALL your devices password protected and use new passwords. I would NOT let him have a key. He us your ex but still exerting coercive control. Maybe you should go to the police.

Ask for your key back or change the lock. If he was controlling and still is, the last thing you want is him having free access to your home.
He could have put a camera somewhere in your house. It's not unheard of.

Also check any toys or electronics that are given as gifts to your child.

Change the locks!
Someone like this should not have access to your home.
You could always have a garden storage box or something outside for dropping stuff.

And then get all your devices to a computer expert.

I also wouldn't trust this mutual friend implicitly, and be careful what you share with them

Get a burner phone and only use that for dating etc. Do keep using your regular phone as well for normal things so he doesn’t get suspicious. You should also do what others have recommended as well. But use the burner phone on mobile signal not wifi or go to the library and use a computer there to do any required googling. He might be logging into your router.
You should also get this thread deleted asap

My dh works in this field.

He said...

remove the key to your house. It's just not needed, especially given your history. It also makes listening devices a piece of cake for him.

stop all chat with the mutual friend.

Check for tracker on car under wheels usually.
Do you have ring? Home devices can be hacked.
Key stoke on your phone /laptop - Get checked.
Once clean - Sign out fully from WA and cloud and resign in and change passwords. You could also get a burner phone sign in on there then log out and reset. But if theres key stroke tech on phones or laptops it wont help long term.

listening devices are a possibility given his easy access to your home but less likely.

I’d get the camera/ microphone detector. Some are so tiny they could be anywhere. Hidden in child’s toy,in the garden, the list is endless and he could have had things there before you even split up. Good luck.

Have a think about how you've communicated what he knows. Have you talked about it in your house? (Unlikely if you live without any other adults, unless a phone call.) If it's stuff that you've only messaged to someone, your phone is the problem.

Although there could of course be devices in your house too.

It's creepy as hell OP, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Change the locks.
Be careful what you say to anyone, including your child.
Change passwords to everything, log out first. Check all your settings to make sure no one else has access.
If you use Alexa, don't forget to change that too, on amazon.
Take your phone to a shop and ask them to check it for you.
Delete all apps you don't use.

Strength test your friend and give incorrect information to friend to see if that comes back via Ex husband, nothing so significant that it would raise a flag.

Then tech check to see what is installed.

Absolutely change the locks and do not give him a key, you are divorced for a reason stop giving him ground.

As others have said, get your devices checked by a professional. Also, your car could have a tracking device. Could he be following you, if he lives nearby? Think carefully about who and where you've discussed anyone you're dating - if it's only via phone messages, I'd start there.

He may of spotted you on dating apps, but hidden himself
Parks close to your house to stalk
He/Someone saw you out on a date
He notices your pattern of being out more, if he is particularly has close communication with your son and ds tells him your out and he’s assuming you’re seeing someone.

She's single. She doesn't introduce the men to her child. She can have a new one every week if she wants!!

get that key back!! I can’t believe you’ve given a key to a controlling man because “it is easier”!!! He can walk in and put any camera in at any point or if he gets very angry walk in at any time of day and hurt you!! I hope this post is a fake as this has made my blood boil…. You have put yourself in a very vulnerable situation

My friend got her house checked by a professional. She said it was worth the money. He checked all devices and plugs etc and her car
Change your router password

How often do either of you legitimately need to enter either house to drop off or collect child’s items.
that seems absurd. As is giving a key to someone who was abusive (controlling) to you.

change the locks and don’t mention it to anyone. You’ll soon see if he tries to get in. Also do all of the tips above.

If he has installed keylogger software he is probably reading this thread right now.

Yes do this. I know someone too whose ex husband knew things he shouldn‘t have known. He couldn‘t help himself but give himself away either. He made a comment one-pick up calling himself something one of the women had called him during drinks the previous evening. She had the house checked, starting in the room they were in when the woman made the comment, and he had bugged it! This was nearly 15 years ago and I bet it is much easier for an ex to do crap like this now.

Jesus this thread reads like a modern day Sleeping With The enemy plot 🫢

Get that key back and change the locks. Install a Ring doorbell. Take devices to tech expert. Does your DS have a phone? Take that too. I’d consider the burner phone option and check your car for a tracker. There’s either a traceable a leak somewhere in which case try to figure out where from or he’s stalking you.

To address a few points

I haven’t been on dating apps in years
I was in an 18 month relationship that ended a year ago. Even he hasn’t met DS and hasn’t even been in the same house as him.
I’ve been single for a year and so everything seemed fine and I stupidly thought ExH had moved on and so dropped my guard again
I met the guy I have been on one date with out in the big wide world
He could only know some of the stuff he knows if he has access to my phone or my conversations (I have my friends over for drinks weekly)
Would he have to have physical access to my phone to bug it? This is a new phone, only had it for a couple of months.

I will definitely look in to getting an expert to check my house. I assume I could find one that could check my devices too? And I will change the locks. It’s a hard one because I sort of ‘play nice’ as he is less controlling when I am like that with him. If I start making huge changes he may get worse. I need to give it some thought. Perhaps install a camera in my own home so I can see if he ever lets himself in?

I’d bet on the mutual friend.

I had the same situation with my ex husband. A friend of mine (who was both of our friend while we were married), who I thought I could trust.

Nope. Told ex h everything.

Get a ring doorbell then you will be able to see if he lets himself in

you could also get an indoor ring camera just in case