Please help me figure out how exH is spying on me?

[TheGreatDownandOut]

Seperated for 4 years. We 50/50 parent our DS together. He lives close by.

My issue is that anytime another man enters my life in a romantic sense, exH seems to know about it somehow and starts acting strangely and tries to gain more control over me (he was controlling during the marriage and that’s why it ended)

I have never introduced DS to another man. We do have one mutual friend but I trust them implicitly and exH seems to know details that he would only know if he had either bugged my house or has access to my messages.
I have googled the hell out of it. I’m almost certain he can’t see my messages or WhatsApps - no other devices are signed in to my iCloud other than my own. I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking to see if my place is bugged but do people really do this?! Is it even possible? We do have a key to each other’s houses, makes it easier to drop DS’ stuff over to his and vice versa.

This is really freaking me out. He asked me outright the other day if I was seeing someone and I said no. (I’ve had one date with someone) he starts to become very controlling if he thinks someone new is in my life. Have any of you ever found out you’re being spied on and if so, how did you find out? I thought about getting a radio frequency detector from Amazon to check for cameras/microphones but it felt a bit tin foil hat!

A car tracker is different. They have their own 3g sim, and are connected to the cars power supply. They also only show location, not audio or video.

A home device could use its own sim but would need to be plugged in somewhere or accessible for frequent battery changes.

Yes this is what he was using it for. He was tracking where she was rather tgat what she was saying.

Family members ex did not return keys. Had access and she didn’t know.
He had installed spy cameras in several rooms through the air con ducts.
She only found out when she noticed plaster dust on the floor.

Could he know the password to your icloud? I'd start by logging out of everything and resetting your password. I'd also do a factory reset and wipe your phone - in case of spyware and I'd sadly be looking for hidden cameras if he has a key, if that doesn't work then time to contact a professional.

I had a mutual that friend I trusted implicitly. Turned out I couldn’t trust them implicitly. Before driving yourself crazy looking at technology he could be using, stop sharing anything personal with the mutual friend and if he stops finding out stuff then you have your answer.

I don’t know mate, all this talk of technology and cameras, I still think the most likely culprit would be this mutual friend.

Tell them something outlandish.

I did a wagatha with mine before wagatha was a thing.

I suspected she was running to my ex husband with everything, so I told her that I was going to put all of exs maintenance money for the next couple of months into going to Thailand on holiday (total lie!)

Two days later, I got an angry email from ex h saying maintenance money wasn’t for me to fuck off on holiday with. I told him I’d made it up to catch out mutual friend out and was then accused of being the devil, but hey, at least I knew. I never heard from her again.

OP I’m in Tech but definitely start with actually changing the locks. Please check all plugs, these devices need a power source if you are thinking he has installed surveillance. But yes I would get all tech checked, all passwords reset including your wireless router.

Absolutely OP stop telling anybody and then you will know!.

The most obvious thing to do is to change your passwords or passkeys on WhatsApp and any other messaging platform you use.

To check he hasn't linked another device(e.g. phone or laptop) to your WhatsApp account - on iPhone or Android:

Open WhatsApp
Tap on the 3 dots top right

Tap Linked Devices

You'll see a list of all browsers, computers, or other devices currently logged in.

If you see anything she doesn’t recognise:

Tap the suspicious device
Select Log Out

This immediately cuts off access.

Do you have 2 factor authentication set up? This is the best protection you can add.

Tap 3 dots top right and go to Settings → Account → Two‑step verification
Turn it on and set a 6‑digit PIN

TBH it's a process you are going to have to go through - changing passwords on all your email accounts and other apps - hopefully you are not daft enough to keep reusing the same passwords for everything.

HTH

Thank you everyone
ExH does seem to know things that mutual friend doesn’t. So as not to be outing it’s kind of lithos sort of scenario-
me arranging a time to go on a date, not telling mutual friend yet because I haven’t seen them,
exH finds an ‘excuse’ to see me at pretty much that exact date and time.

With the iCloud thing - I’ve changed my password multiple times. My phone shows devices that are logged in to iCloud and it only shows my iPhone and my iPad. If you change your password on iCloud, wouldn’t it automatically not let anyone else gain access to it?

You can always install Signal or Telegram and use them to message people - it's no hassle is it really for friends to add the app and message you on those platforms. I use both alongside WhatsApp and Messenger - frankly I prefer both Signal and Telegram to both of the usual messaging apps.

Why dont you try giving some piece of false information to the mutual friend and see if it comes back via your Ex. Also, definitely change the locks!

I think I'd test things out
Eg give wrong information to the mutual friend to see if it's passed on

Same with phone/speaking at home,

In my case I realised a long time after I left that we were both in an "Apple family"

He never used to have an iPhone but yjrrr might have been an old shared ipad, then at some point he got an iPhone and I discovered by accident that we were in a family group and he could see my location.

100% I’d take the phones/devices to a professional and get someone to check the house. Better safe than sorry.

me arranging a time to go on a date, not telling mutual friend yet because I haven’t seen them, exH finds an ‘excuse’ to see me at pretty much that exact date and time.

Why don’t you say ‘no’?

Why are you engaging with this man to this extent? When you say he becomes more controlling, what do you mean? How can an ex control you? Why is your response to ‘are you dating someone?’ not ‘that’s none of your business’?

He could be on your internet/WiFi.

He could easily copy the key. Change the house locks, tell him afterwards.

iI know you trust your friend but does the friend have a partner who is generally on good terms with your ex? That would be the obvious connection. My ex used to clean out his car for an excuse to look in my bins to try and work out what I was up to. Comments on pizza boxes or wine bottles aplenty!

I think you should get some professional advice OP, if he has access to your house then there could easily be cameras, possibly some kind of wifi spyware.

Does your phone battery seem to drain quicker than expected? Are there any apps installed that you don't recognise? Definitely change the locks and get a security company to sweep the house. Does your child have a phone or tablet that could potentially have spy wear?

Or tell you friends different things

tell them you are going to do this somewhere out of the house away from your phone - write them postcards if need be!

then plant different things on different messages like they are all real

so say at home call him Jim and you went for a meal
WhatsApp on one friend call him Chris - went for a walk

etc etc

see which details come back

and for the time being talk to your friends in their houses with phone off honestly

He’s signing into your iPad when you’re not in, or signing into an old device then turning it off again so it’s not showing as connected when you check iCloud.

Old laptop under the bed? Old phone hanging around? It’s one of these.

My ex did the same, I had an old laptop under the bed and he’d log into that, use keychain access to get my (regularly changed) passwords then check my WhatsApp and Messenger remotely.

Has he installed a spy app on your phone? The tech people at John Lewis got rid of everything dodgy for me and also suggested other stuff eg he could see my Google calendar because I'd forgotten to unlink.

If he knows a device password (or DS does and unlocks it for him), he can get access to Keychain Access and see your updated passwords.

Colleen Rooney did this to great effect. I reckon it is the mutual "friend".