Please help me figure out how exH is spying on me?

[TheGreatDownandOut]

Seperated for 4 years. We 50/50 parent our DS together. He lives close by.

My issue is that anytime another man enters my life in a romantic sense, exH seems to know about it somehow and starts acting strangely and tries to gain more control over me (he was controlling during the marriage and that’s why it ended)

I have never introduced DS to another man. We do have one mutual friend but I trust them implicitly and exH seems to know details that he would only know if he had either bugged my house or has access to my messages.
I have googled the hell out of it. I’m almost certain he can’t see my messages or WhatsApps - no other devices are signed in to my iCloud other than my own. I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking to see if my place is bugged but do people really do this?! Is it even possible? We do have a key to each other’s houses, makes it easier to drop DS’ stuff over to his and vice versa.

This is really freaking me out. He asked me outright the other day if I was seeing someone and I said no. (I’ve had one date with someone) he starts to become very controlling if he thinks someone new is in my life. Have any of you ever found out you’re being spied on and if so, how did you find out? I thought about getting a radio frequency detector from Amazon to check for cameras/microphones but it felt a bit tin foil hat!

You have a new phone but presumably the same number and log ins as before.
Why install a camera to see if he let's himself in when you can just take the key back and know he can't let himself in?
You're clearly scared of him, hence the 'play nice' comment, and you're allowing that fear to control what you do. You're already looking over your shoulder, how long before you don't go on dates anymore, stop inviting friends over in case he can see/hear you all, or stop messaging anyone on your phone?
How dare he make you feel this way? Get angry and sort this out now before he ruins your future happiness.

Stop confiding in your mutual friend. They are a very likely weak link. Just keep your private life private including what you put online.

Be very careful what you tell your child. 'Daddy's worried about you and it's important you let me know if there's a new man, because Daddy just wants to keep you both safe, and shhh, it's our little secret ...'

Get that survey of your home, car and devices done.

Change all passwords.

Get a ring doorbell. Maybe a movement detector house alarm for when you're both out.

And change the locks. He does not need to be able to get into your house. Have some boundaries. Don't give a spare key to anyone else - any DM exMIL in the picture who might be a soft touch for a sob story?

Better to change the locks. A man who feels comfortable enough to bug her house/devices is definitely a man who will feel no qualms about making copies of her keys “just in case”.

I have thought this but exH seems to know things that mutual friend doesn’t.

Apart from MN (I have name changed to post this) all I have is Instagram and only ever post the odd picture of my dog.

You’re right, I need to feel angry instead of how I do feel, which is suffocated. I have a tendency to bury my head in the sand and never hold grudges. Every time I think about it I try and shrug it off as nonsense and that I’m overthinking it because I don’t want it to be true. But there are far too many coincidences.

How do you communicate with the dates, is it whatsapp?

You could take a leaf out of Colleen’s book and confide some random info to your mutual friend and see if that ends up in the hands of DH

Yes on WhatsApp but I talk to one of my friends on iMessage. I’ve check linked devices for both and they only show my own devices

OP he could so easily have put a device in your house, as he has a key.

Honestly this is so concerning.

You don't want to upset him by changing that, can you not see how you are allowing him to be in a controlling position here.

Change that situation immediately for a start.

You say you see your friends weekly. Are you 100 sure it isn't one of them relaying information?

@TheGreatDownandOut do you have an Alexa . If he’s had access to the Alexa he can connect his app to it and “drop” into it and over hear .
Id also say something on your phone or a tracker on your car .
Id get all your devices checked and I’d tear the house apart to make sure nothing was there .

Check WhatsApp linked devices- even with a new phone this would remain logged in, same with iCloud it would still be visible on another device. You need to sign out of all devices and change passwords to something he would never think of.

I would check for listening devices as well and have someone come take a good look around. Remember if he is dropping things for your child that the device could be hidden within this also.

1. change the locks - get this sorted out without telling him. He has no reason to be in your house. Once he realises and asks for a key, just say no.
2. change all passwords.
3. when he questions you about your personal life, tell him it’s no longer his business. Don’t give him a yes/no answer.
4. you are perfectly entitled to see other people. Your DS will not melt if he knows you’re dating. Keeping relationships secret from him is not healthy.

Given what you've said, I would bet a listening device in your living room if you have friends over weekly for a gossip. If you can't find the device, make up something so random or absurd, drop it in to conversation and if he hints at anything then you will know it's that. Then call the police....

Your Google account? It is linked to a lot of things, passwords can be saved etc. If he lives close by, he could be keeping an eye on the house. If I were you, I wouldn't get yourself in a heap about it. It will drive you crazy. I would however protect your general privacy/safety. Keep focused on your own life (narcissistic people hate that) and if anything comes up, take it one thing at a time and act straight away

Hmm, bugs and cameras aren't as sophisticated or as easy as a lot of posters make out. Unless he literally lives next door or is parked in your drive the only realistic option for monitoring would be WiFi connected devices.

Reset your router and change the WiFi password. You will have to log all your connected devices in with the new password. This will stop any unauthorised devices transmitting.

Don't write down the new password anywhere. Change your locks immediately.

Occam's razor though.. It's your mutual friend for sure!

I would take the key back and change the locks. He may have made a copy.

Not easy but exBIL definitely had a tracking device in DSIL whilst they were married. It really was the only explanation. He was very, very unhappy when he got said car as part of the Divorce settlement and she bought herself a new one.

Log onto your router and change the admin password, and the WiFi password. It'll be a pain to reconnect everything but if he's connected something to it then it should be disconnected.

@TheGreatDownandOut change the locks and then tell him you are giving him once chance to be honest and tell you if he has put listening devices, cameras or tracking software on any of your property as you are getting a pro in to check and will be going to Police if they find anything.

You'll save some money if he admits it and can then remove what he put in but i'd still go to Police anyway because you owe him nothing and if he has done this, it is illegal.

exH seems to know things that mutual friend doesn’t

Or maybe the mutual friend does know these things, but pretends not to?

So is it just this 1 man that he knows details about?

Chances are he knows this man in some sense.

I would not be comfortable with my ex having a key - your reasoning doesn’t make sense. Neither of you should be dropping your sons stuff off in their home when the other isn’t there and this is going to cause massive issues in the future.

I would tell the mutual friend some made up things and see if ex mentions them - this may rule out the mutual friend.

Then it leaves either him knowing the guy/knowing someone who knows him or he’s spying/bugged you somehow.

If you find out. Do share.
My ex knew every message I ever sent towards the end of my relationship and after it ended.
He would show up in places I was and send me random messages asking about things he'd know from my WhatsApp. I was never signed in on any other devices and he wasn't particularly tech savvy so I never figured it out.
In the end I changed my phone and number and it stopped 🙃

Do a Wagatha! Plant false stories with mutual friends; a different one with each. Then see which resurface from him later.

Sounds awful. Hope you get to the bottom of it, but I suspect it’s your mutual friend(s).

Tell your mutual friend a made up story about a new man and see if that gets back to your ex