Please help me figure out how exH is spying on me?

[TheGreatDownandOut]

Seperated for 4 years. We 50/50 parent our DS together. He lives close by.

My issue is that anytime another man enters my life in a romantic sense, exH seems to know about it somehow and starts acting strangely and tries to gain more control over me (he was controlling during the marriage and that’s why it ended)

I have never introduced DS to another man. We do have one mutual friend but I trust them implicitly and exH seems to know details that he would only know if he had either bugged my house or has access to my messages.
I have googled the hell out of it. I’m almost certain he can’t see my messages or WhatsApps - no other devices are signed in to my iCloud other than my own. I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking to see if my place is bugged but do people really do this?! Is it even possible? We do have a key to each other’s houses, makes it easier to drop DS’ stuff over to his and vice versa.

This is really freaking me out. He asked me outright the other day if I was seeing someone and I said no. (I’ve had one date with someone) he starts to become very controlling if he thinks someone new is in my life. Have any of you ever found out you’re being spied on and if so, how did you find out? I thought about getting a radio frequency detector from Amazon to check for cameras/microphones but it felt a bit tin foil hat!

If it's not the mutual friend then this is second most likely. He can put something on child's gadgets and check them at leisure when he has the child.

He could have made copies of key so you will have to change locks.

Deffo change the locks and give back his key, you don’t need access to each other’s houses, that’s just stopping you both moving on properly. Draw your boundaries on your home.

did you restore your phone from a backup? If so maybe a key logger/spy app transferred as part of that. I watched a truly terrifying documentary the other day where an expert demonstrated how easy it is to install spy software on someone else’s phone.

I’d also experiment with various avenues of possible information - plant some info with the mutual friend (this is so likely as an avenue of info, my ex tried to keep up with mutual friends so he could spy on me, luckily most cottoned on to it quickly and picked one side or the other and the others I wished them well and cut them off). If you think there are bugs in your house say some things out loud - maybe pretend to be on the phone and have an incriminating conversation, see what happens….

be careful tho, anyone who would go to the trouble of stalking you like this might be quite dangerous. Don’t let that stop you though.

have you confided in anyone IRL?

You need to also log out and change the password to the apps not just icloud. He can log into WhatsApp with your details on any device. Someone up thread said how to check if another device is logged into your WhatsApp. Did you try that?

My exh stalked my friend's face book accounts... I haven't got fb yet he regularly sent me pics of myself in Going Out Outfits...
Fucking creep.

Im pretty sure you can take your devices for a free scan by the police

It’s the mutual friend.

This sounds like a horrible situation, you must feel constantly on edge. I definitely understand you wanting to play nice so to speak, but he’s still no abusing you this means. You deserve to be truly free.

Was it your idea or his about having keys to each others house for “ease”? I definitely agree you need to get your locks changed and don’t give him a new key. I also think you need to get your phone professionally checked for Spyware etc. if you can afford it, getting someone in to properly sweep your property and car for any devices would be a good way to find out if there is anything or to give you peace of mind.

Does he k ow your passwords to social media etc?

Hey OP, I could written this myself! Did you ever find out what it was? Was it the friend? I have one of them that I thought I could trust, now I’m not sure if it’s her or if he’s stalking me somehow!

Go onto your wifi account and make sure there are no devices connected to it that you don’t recognise

It’s nearly always the “friend”. Could you feed back some false information through them?

No need to have keys for each others houses - when I split from dh I go my key back the same day

if really needs to drop stuff off have a safe parcel box in garden near a ring doorbell

if he knows info that only on a text etc / is there a way he can link onto your phone

I would consider getting a new number and phone for anyone else but keep same one now for any communicating you have with ex

could he have bugged your house so if have friends over for a chat he listens in

I'd change the passwords on all accounts. He may just be monitoring emails or cn guess your passwords because they are the same as when you were together. Change the WiFi password too.
Factory reset all devices, laptop, phone etc and then manually reinstall apps rather than automatically. Check your family setups on apple, Microsoft etc and ensure you're not part of his and vice versa.
If you can, I'd cut electric off at the fuse box and then go around unplug everything and then switch back on and pug everything in again one by one in each room, checking each plug carefully for any signs of tampering or altering.
You can do all.of this without a professional

@TheGreatDownandOut did you get this sorted? I have a friend going through the same issue.